Signs Of Attraction

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What are they? I've been trying to figure out lately, but I could just be getting paranoid or over-analytical when trying to spot them. So far all I know is that there is some facial expressions, body language, and speech patterns involved. I can't exactly explain what I understand, because some knowledge is hard to put into words without adding expression to them to emphasize the feeling behind it. But I'm certain a lot of it is in the face, because I'm definitely experiencing changed sets of faces form certain females I know. They're more positive faical expressions, and could just be realted to a growing friendship. I have a habit of mixing friendliness and flirtiness up.

I pick-up on these things sometimes, I'm never sure often if some one likes me I need it spelled out.

There sure are. NT people throw out signals like a stoplight. Aspies just can't spot them naturally.
But there is a lot of education to be had, if you're willing.



Exactly. This is where most aspies go awry. We WANT certainty in just about everything. Part of our nature. We dislike going into places, groups, activities, etc., that we don't fully understand. And when we lack certainty, we get mixed up and don't go for the kill in a romance--which is critical if one wants to go from "friends" to "more than friends".

I am talking with one of the moderators about doing a set of articles about body language. (After reading this, let me know if you think this sort of info would be helpful to you and others here.) My second article would be on this very topic. But I'll throw you a quick crash course.

You want to know if a woman is attracted to you romantically? If she is, in your presense she will:

--dialate her eyes (signals sexual arousal)

--flare her nostrils slightly (ditto)

--preen
(Preening can be many things. She'll compulsively fool with her hair as soon as she sees you. She will gently stroke her own thighs. She will smooth and adjust her pants/skirt and blouse or shirt, usually more than once.)

--lean toward you when sitting and talking

--point her knees in your direction, and slightly cross her legs (positioning)

--when sitting, pull her legs up under her slightly or all the way, signaling comfort

--touch you lightly "by accident" or to "make a point in conversation"

--throw you short, seemingly unintelligible glances, then look downward (this is flirting)

--protrude her breasts toward you by throwing her shoulders back

--take off her shoes, either completely or by removing one and balancing it on the end of her toe

--cock her head slightly when speaking to you (this says, "you interest me")

--hold eye contact more than 50% of the time

These are all subtle gestures, so you need to be alert. Preening will often happen before you get close. In fact, if she spots you before you spot her, she'll do it before you can see, and you'll miss it. Be on your toes.

Look for clusters of these behaviors. If you experience a good number of them, she likes you and is desperately trying to tell you so. Ask her out.

I'll give you a concrete example: I was in line at the market yesterday. The cashier is a stunning young woman I know slightly. When I got in line, she spotted me out of the corner of her eyes, and gave me several sidelong glances (flirting). She quickly straightened her jeans on her waist and brushed her hair behind her ear (preening), then straightened her shoulders, which pushed her breasts out (positioning). Then she didn't look at me again. If I'd have blinked, I would have missed it all and wouldn't have had a clue. But I did, and when I checked out, we had a nice chat. "Houston, we have a green light."

If, on the other hand, most or all of these behaviors are absent, she's being friendly, kind, polite, or the like, and you haven't a prayer, because women choose men, not visa versa.

Memorize these signals, practice them every chance you get, and go get 'em. Very, very best of luck!

(By the way: a good, cheap book on all this is "HOW TO READ A PERSON LIKE A BOOK", by Gerard Nierenberg and Henry Calero)

Thanks GroovyDruid, only all you described were body language changes. I've been told all this before, but a reminder is a nice thing.

There's something about the way they talk to you and greet you that changes from what it once was or is noticably different form other people she talks to. Something in the face, but I think you touched up on that. It'll be hard to spot all this with my focus issues, but practice makes perfect. And the tone of voice, oh, the tone of voice. I'm a deep audio thinker and observer, and something in the tone of voice is...odd. With my shifty eyes and focus issues, body language is tough to spot; but any audio clues would be infinitely useful. If no one knows any, perhaps I should do some personal investigation and confirmations with people. I have a few NT friends who wouldn't mind answering any seemingly odd questions. Hmm... My circumstance is that I am becoming better looking and a more extroverted person, and don't know if the increased attention from females is because I'm a more enjoyable perosn (as a friend) or if they're interested in me. I well be sure to watch for the body language and see if I can pick up on any more detailed audio signals. I'm just worried that I'm picking up signals not really being sent when it comes to voice tone and speech patterns; finding something that isn't really there. And my mind is a little out of whack, because there's thoughts two girls I like that might like me bouncing around in my head. And because of that, I might be convincing myself they like me just because they showed me more attention than usual for reasons I can't figure out. Telling if a stranger likes me might be easier or harder, but I'm interested in peolpe I've known that are treating me differently. A conversation with me is what usually changes their treating of me. My conversation skills are rising, and my great sense of humor might be what's attracting the extra attention. But is it romantic or friendly attention? Argh! Done ranting.

I was about to make a post like this.

I have two questions:

1. Do people send these signals out unconciously, or do they do it with the intent of conciously "flirting" and advertising their interest?

2. How can you tell if a guy is interested in you? Your description seems rather accurate for females, but what about males?

Good questions.

First, NTs have a varying awareness of their own body language. They become less aware the more their attention is on other things. Quite a few guys and girls are conscious of a few things they do, like flirting with the eyes or standing in an open posture. Very few know that they are unconsciously squaring their shoulders, rubbing their thighs, rolling their hips, parting their lips, and making countless other signs of romantic interest. With all the signals that exist, it's almost impossible to hide romantic interest from a good observer.

Second, the guys... Well, it's quite a bit the same. Like I told Sarcastic, I'm looking to post this as an article, because I can't physically respond to all the posts that are interested in this topic. But here's a couple:

Near girls they find attractive, guys will:

Square their shoulders and push out their chests.

Preen by adjusting their tie, hitching their pants, straightening their coats, clearing their throats, etc.

When standing, turn so that they are facing right at the girl, rather than in a socially open stance--like an open doorhinge, inviting other people to join them. It's essentially a way to stake their claim on the girl. "Nobody else can talk to her right now!"

When sitting, lean forward and get on the edge of their chairs, and also do the same "staking" motion as when standing by turning the chairs directly toward one another

Stare more than is usually acceptable.

"Open Up" to the girl--This is done by spreading out, usually. Arms spread out, legs spread out. This is an easy one to spot. Just go and watch some people. You can tell if a man and a woman are just doing business together or whether they are involved.

dilate eyes and flare nostrils.

If you are interested in this kind of stuff, go to the WP page linked below and put up a post and say you'd like to see more of them. That will make it much easier for me to get these out in a visible place.

Best wishes. I hope this is somewhat helpful. If I get a chance to do the article, I'll do more in-depth research so that I can give you a lot of detail on guys and their signals.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=8100

I hear you.
But the difficulty is that the voice is one of the indicators people are most aware of, and consequently control the most ... and lie. Body language is different. Very, very few people can hide their body language. It's much more reliable.


Exactly. Body langauge is very definite on this. That's the only reason I advocate it for aspies over voice analysis--unless you've got some unique talent I have no comprehension of, which is quite possible.



Gotcha. Take a look at the article I posted here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=8100

Who knows: it deals with eye contact and might help with the focus issues. Anyway, let me know how it goes!

I don't think they know about most of them, but if told to look for them they would probably spot them in theirselves. Like you don't notice there's sometihng on your face until someone tells you kind of thing.



Personally, my instinct is to stalk minimally for the chance at more conversation. But I'm weird when it comes to flirting. My insticnt is to smother the girl in attention (but not too much), but I don't know about normal guys. Cheesy pick-up lines?

my thoughts about this subject;

It's difficult to know whether that person of interest likes you or not based on any of these indicators. (sorry guys)
I think that many people like to "flirt" in conversations, even with friends. That's not necessarily and indication that the person likes you as more then just a friend. The good news is, that if you develop a good bond and frienship with that person, based on trust and mutual interests, then there is a good chance that it could develope into something more then just friends. Another piece of advice: try not to obsess (not good for you)
and if you do want to use cheesy pick up lines, make sure you make it clear that those pick up lines are meant to be cheesy. girls like guys with a good sense of humor. self-effacing is the best.

A attractive girl in my psych class saw me glancing at her, and as she passed my desk on the way to hers, she sort of ran her hand along my desk. Does this mean anything?

Also, I'd think there would be differences unrelated to how two people feel about each other. Such as:Cultural "personal space" measurements, which encompasses alot of variables. Whether individuals have an extreme "default" posture, of reticence or of engagement. Distractions & preoccupations going on inside one person that are not about the external other person.
For instance, person F is uptight & tense in general. Person G is laid-back & relaxed in general. One could imagine many possible misunderstandings/ineffective communications occuring between them. Others observing the interaction might draw inaccurate conclusions about the nature of the shared relationship.
We don't know all the pre-existing reasons for why we feel certain ways, or how much has anything to do with "present company". I'm always asking myself if I'm imagining some feeling that I'm perceiving. People seem so unlike each other (incl. me), that I can't extrapolate from one person to the next-at least on some nuanced/subtle level...

What are "these indicators?" We've been discussing voice, body language, facial expressions...


Hey Sarcastic,

I found these books on Amazon. Here's a link to them:

books

They deal with changes in voice. Reading them might be helpful to you in your analysis of people through their voice changes. If I find any others, I'll let you know.

Oh yeah. 95% chance there's something up.

If she caught you glancing, she's got a loud and clear "flirt" message from you. Now, I wasn't there, so I can't say for sure: but most likely, that brushing the hand along your desk was the response: "I'm interested in you; come talk to me."

Were you sitting in the desk at the time? It makes a big difference. If you were, and you're interested in this girl, go for it ASAP. Introduce yourself if you haven't already, and keep your eye out for further indicators.

These seem pretty accurate except for the shoe thing. I know many women (myself included) that will do this anytime we are setting. This has nothing to do with who is around just the fact that shoes can get uncomfortable.

Also, I would like to say that some of these things don't mean romantic attraction just comfort around the person or that the female just flirts anytime. Make sure you know it is directed at you and not just the normal body language for the woman.

Y

I read once that guys will lean against something when talking to a girl they find attractive.

For us guys: If a girl bounces her leg it means she wants physical contact from you (or she needs to pee, you should probably check for other signs before proceeding).

I do that anyway, my hair is my favorite stim.

Note her posture otherwise though. if she leans forward all they time in a slump it may be low self-esteem.



Or just crappy social skills.

That was fascinating, just kidn fo defending the stuff I do constantly as not always meaning flirting; though they likely mean it more with "normal" people.



Pant adjustment may not always be flirting; it might be an even better sign. ((I will not elaborate on this for fear of moving this to the mature forum))



I'm bouncing my leg right now.

MAN is my computer sexy!

Yeah, that's another signal I send constantly without it meaning anything. And I lean against stuff; I just plain stand weirdly.