Difficult relationship decision… need advice

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Ok this may be long but I figured I would need to include everything in order to get the best help/advice.

My best (and only) friend in the world and I have known each other online for over 2 years now and we were considering making the relationship we have more serious (as in from “just friends” to boyfriend/girlfriend if not more). We were planning on meeting late this summer to decide what to do officially until my mom insisted on seeing pictures of him. So, thinking it was innocent enough, I let her see his facebook profile (I will admit I had never looked at it before but it looked much better than the myspace which was very depressing in appearance. Yes I realize it was stupid of me to not look).

Not more than five minutes into her looking she brought up a picture of him holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and drinking some other form of alcohol in the other hand with another alcohol sticker on his forehead. Needless to say I was absolutely stunned because as far as I knew he didn’t drink.
He explained to me that the bottle was full of water and his cousin taking the picture was the alcoholic. I evplained his story to my parents and they said it simply doesnt float/hold water/whatever that saying is.
This of course turned into an interrogation of everything I knew about him while mom examined every possible bit of information on the site.
Very soon afterward mom (and dad who had joined by this point) concluded that I cannot be in a relationship with this person and I need to seek more “worthy” counterparts.
Their basic argument was that when a girl finds a guy and gets into a serious relationship with him she will drop or raise to the level he is at (they have numerous examples of this happening). And overall I should seek someone who is where I want to be in life (atm that would be pre-medical student or beyond) not just someone who is nice to me. And also according to them my friend and I have an astronomical difference in capability and are not even remotely on the same level.

The biggest issue that caused me to doubt my hopes of being with him is that my mom has a very frightening ability to predict and/or see everything about a person with only a small amount of information. (She has done that many times before)
My friend has argued that the pictures are 3 years old and nobody should judge people by what they see on the Internet. Also he has not been drunk since then and doesn’t plan to be.

The troubling thing was that I was almost willing to give up my chances at med-school to be with him when mom pointed out the girls tendency to shift to the guys level in life… that honestly scared me.
Basically as it stands right now my friend is barely graduating from college at an age where my dad was already out of college, had a job, and was taking care of a new family. (Yes there is an age difference between myself and my friend which raised yet another, though less significant, issue)

So at this point I had 3 options in mind:
1-I go against my parents advice/wishes (even though I have always trusted their opinion to be right)
2-I risk losing the best friend I have ever had and leave him in search of another guy
3-I basically say “forget all of it” and become a hermit or something like that since the chances of me finding a "good" boyfriend are slim and none, because it has already been concluded that I cant tell age to save my life and I have absolutely NO idea when a guy likes me. (An example of that would be a guy flirting with me while buying my textbooks this semester. Dad noticed. I didn’t. As far as I could tell the guy just wouldn’t shut up and was nosey as to what my major was. Dad had to explain it to me on the way to the car that the guy obviously liked me. )

I already told my friend that I am probably going to look for a guy this coming semester, which of course was not taken as a very good thing.

So basically I need to figure out which decision is best if any and I figured other opinions might help since I’ve been trying to figure this out for weeks and either cant or don’t actually want to see the wisest decision. Sadly the majority of my thinking says its best to try something else (hence what I told my friend) because he is the first guy I have ever liked as a boyfriend so I don’t really know what variety is out there other than what I see in movies and the guys skateboarding around the school. Neither of which have me impressed. Because of that my hopes are anything but high.

So... opinions/advice anyone?

I'm 40 years old with two failed marriages behind me. I have learned the hard way that my parents do know me very well, and have always been concerned for my happiness and welfare. I chose to ignore their concerns about the men I married, and well, I should have listened to them.

You say that your mother is very good at working people out from small pieces of information, that she is usually right in her assessments, and that you yourself can see that this on-line friend is likely not a good partner for you.

If I were you, I'd trust your parents' judgement and experience on this one.

You are aware of your difficulties in forming relationships, and you could maybe seek a counsellor or do something else to try and address those difficulties. Also, you are about to make a major transition in your life in going to college where you will meet loads of new people, and have a greater chance of making friends, and possibly boyfriends.

You are young - you have loads of time for friendships and relationships. Please don't talk yourself into this one for fear of not getting another one.

Your parents sound very supportive and caring people. You are lucky to have them.

I faced the delimma that you are facing. I chose the guy.

I don't think that my mom is always right and sometimes parents can mis-judge someone. But usually they can see things that you aren't seeing. But you also have to consider what you want. If he is a drinker, is that a deal-breaker for you? Or what if he really is telling the truth? (There's really no way to know this though, he might hold off on drinking until you're married and then come out as a full-blown alchoholic. It happens.) Are you going to kick yourself forever if you don't at least take the chance on getting to know this guy IRL?

My mom was not entirely wrong about my husband but she doesn't have perfect judgement either. She is currently in the process of abandoning everything and moving to England for an internet guy. Which is pretty much what she kicked my ass about for years.

It seems to me that you should take their warning very seriously and proceed with caution. But, personally, I wouldn't break up with someone based on a picture that may or may not be a joke. I say get to know him in person for a few more years and see how it goes.

But then again, I'm a doormat and I don't leave anyone for anything.

This is me. I quit school for my guy. I'm doing fine monetarially so that doesn't matter at this point. But I can tell you from experience not to give up things for someone who is not willing to give up eaqually as much for you. You'll end up being his doormat.

PM me if you want to.

If your worried about him drinking maybe ask him if any of his immediate family has any alcoholic issues? If his cousin has them, and he doesn't, maybe it was something introduced by the the cousin's other parent.

In terms of the pictures, we all do stupid things don't we? Isn't that what finding out what we want is about? I mean sometimes it takes a few tries before we can make a choice. Sometimes we know right off the bat. Maybe your friend was trying out something. I mean when i first had a drink it was with my family. I never went back. Hated the taste.

You also make it sound like you'd completely give up medical school for this guy. Do you know whether or not he would support your schooling? Do you know of anything he is giving up if you do choose him? Maybe tell us a little more about him?

I don't know your parents personally, of course, but parents in general have this habit of judging someone from one thing and making an assumption. I think this could be how "photo holding a bottle of vodka" comes to mean "alcoholic" in your mother's mind.

It's your decision to make, not your mother's. Take her advice, or don't, but whatever you do, don't let her make the decision for you. Follow your heart, with a bit of logic, not just complete emotional mentalism.

Giving up your dreams for career for romance is not a good idea.

I don't get a sense one way or another if he is an alcoholic, but he does seem a little less than totally up front.

Two things I know for sure:

1) You should not be choosing now whether you want someone in your life forever or not at all, and you should not be choosing between this guy and your parents. You can always date, break up, and find someone else, no matter how impossible it seems right now...

2) Think about how badly you want to be a doctor because I have never met a woman who made it through any type of grad school if her husband didn't. Sad truth.

Whoa, hang on, the original post is raising red flags and sounding alarms for me, and it's not because of the prospective boyfriend.

But before I go on with that, I want to make this clear: I don't know you past your first post, so take any advice or observations I dispense with your own careful judgment.

I checked your profile briefly before I posted to see if you'd been diagnosed, due to a sneaking suspicion that you were not, which I'll try to explain later. Bizarrely, I seem to be in a fairly similar situation to you, only reversed. My boyfriend is 18, we met on the internet, and we started it off as friends. In fact, I seemed to be his only friend. Neither of us is in college, however, so there's no real discrepancy there as you have, but otherwise he seems to occupy your position in life in many other regards.

He's one major reason why I'm on these forums, since I was considering whether he may be Asperger's or autistic in some way because of his problems. This is still unresolved, but my research indicates two possibilities for him -- either he is, or his problems are developmental. The latter would be a fault of his parents. And as it is, his parents control his life, and he grew up stifled and smothered by his mother, and judged by his father.

As that relates to you, some things you stated in your post startled me, and I'd like to highlight those to make it clearer:

This is where I started raising eyebrows.



This downright angered me.



Maybe I'm overreacting, but this behaviour of your parents sounds downright toxic. Your seeming acceptance of it worries me, and indicates that it's a normal situation. Interrogations are not cool, making decisions for your young adult daughter, or forcing opinions, is just as uncool, let me put it that way.



Me too, but if she's using this to convince you that you should follow her advice and that your own feelings are wrong, this is a harmful form of invalidation. I may be just as good as her, but I can't force or even coerce anyone younger than me that I am right and they're wrong. Maybe they are, but it's their choice, and they learn from their mistakes. I'm guilty of being scared for people I love and doing just that, but I've learned -- and am learning -- that my behaviour is harmful, not helpful. It causes invalidation, especially for my boyfriend, who has been invalidated by his parents his entire life.

If this has been a longstanding thing with your parents, you may be having really similar issues to my own boyfriend. He seems to have Asperger's, but that's where his development is called into question. For instance, his symptoms do match up with a lot of his past. Some examples are....

-Social awkwardness, naivete, lack of close friendships or relationships at all. His mother smothered him and often encouraged him to stay away from people, through both verbal/direct and indirect/non-verbal communication. He was almost never encouraged to relate to people closely due to his parents fears.

-Difficulty making decisions, very poor judgment, strange routines, habits, obsessive and obsessive compulsive behaviour. This could be AS, or it could be the fact he was never encouraged to make any of his own decisions, and when he did, he was invalidated again. Locked away, he became neurotic and repetitive, self-loathing, unempathic, severely depressed and emotionally repressed.

These may not fit you, or some of them may fit you less or more than others, or vary in intensity, but it's just something worth considering, I think. Doesn't mean AS doesn't exist, but even if it doesn't, these problems can crop up in anyone who's born sensitive or even with minor traits (it is a spectrum, after all).

I wanted to go over that because when your parents make decisions for you, or shame you with interrogations, or smother you with over-protection, you are nowhere near as free to learn things for yourself. Learning is done through experience, not having someone tell you what they've experienced, even if that can help you to understand or prepare yourself. Frustrating as that may be for a lot of parents, it's still the truth.

My advice to you is to have them back off, as much as possible, and for you to make your own decision based on your feelings. If you have a hard time accessing just how you feel about the situation, you can always try to medicate or even interpret your dreams. As campy as it sounds, I've actually used a Ouija board to access my own and others' subconscious, with very good results. What's important here is not whether your boyfriend will lead you to great success, but what you share at a deeper level. Relationships seem to be best when they're not based on practical application.

One thing that worries me is how quick you were to want to drop college for someone else. No matter who it is, when this happens, there are underlying problems to do with how you're approaching the situation. Such decisions can't be pinned on the other party, in this case. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about this, but try to realize that your decisions and mistakes are still your own, even if your parents are trying to blame this man. You can go to college and keep the relationship, I'm sure.

Another warning signal is that I must admit from the little bit you've shared, this person may not be completely open and honest with you. If you have a hard time making decisions, especially if your parents have been there for that for much of your life, you may not be exercising the healthiest judgments. To make matters worse, I'm guessing this is all fairly volatile due to the fact you're lonely -- if he is in fact your only friend, this may definitely drive you to make a mistake you'll regret later. My suggestion there is to use caution, keep that in mind and try to imagine how you may feel with other friends involved. Would you have been as likely to want to drop college if you'd had other friends to be close to and talk with?

I speak from experience with quite a lot of this, but it's only my personal experience, which can only go so far. You may do well to share more of what you know of your friend and your relationship with him before anyone can give clearer advice.

I can see where you’re coming from Orbyss and it may seem unkind of my parents to interrogate me but I’m pretty sure in reality that’s the only way of getting me to share any information at an agreeable pace otherwise I basically just sit quietly and think for a while, usually resulting in me forgetting what the question was.
My mom is not forcing her opinions on me and neither is my dad, they both tend to appeal to my reasoning by pointing out all the issues that they believe will likely cause me grief in the future. Though usually they will focus on the issues I hadn’t thought about or (occasionally) ones I didn’t want to think about. They say/explain what they see and what they think and then allow me to consider it (I am actually quite thankful of this). If I did not agree with them at all and thought they were completely wrong I would have fought tooth and nail against them.
It is a relatively normal situation where I sit and listen to what my parents have to say but I don’t see it as being “toxic”. And in reality Mom does not mention her ability to predict things about other people, I’m not even sure she herself knows she has that ability. I just know it from past observation and am taking it into consideration.

When it comes to my lack of friends and social awkwardness I don’t believe it was caused by being smothered and overprotected. Yeah my parents are protective (few parents aren’t) but as a child I was always encouraged to make friends because I was so shy. But, for the first few years of school I only made one “real” friend who, even though I thought he would be my friend forever, basically ignored me shortly after I moved away from the area even though we promised to be pen pals. Looking back at all the other kids I thought were my friends, knowing what I do now, they were only bullies.
As to why I don’t have any other friends; I cant think of any reason for it other than at this point I prefer to sit back and observe people without interacting with them (much less stress that way ). It’s easier and usually pretty interesting. Yes, I do get lonely but as it is right now I think I’m pretty used to it.

My difficulty with decisions in this situation is mainly because I am likely to loose something regardless of what I choose. I choose my friend/boyfriend - I risk loosing my parents’ belief that I can be trusted to make my own decisions. I choose to listen to my parents and look for another guy - I risk losing my only friend. (At least thats how I see it)


As for more information about my relationship with my friend: we have spoken to each other nearly every day of these past 2 years, usually for a few hours every day. Honestly he is a good deal older than me (~6-7 years) but he said he thought I was 26 when we first met (I used to be very uptight and formal making me sound a lot older than him) needless to say he was very surprised when I told him my age. We met in an online videogame (yeah I know that’s kinda weird) and we share a large number of interests. Though the difference in interests being he is more artistic, favoring music and writing, while I am more scientifically inclined (obviously since I’m aspiring to go to medical school). He is the most patient person I have ever met, and it always understanding. I suppose I could say the downsides I have always seen are that he has grown up in a relatively unstable family. He currently has no job and is living with his father. And if we were the same age right now he would still be at a high school level while I am already a sophomore in college (yes I stared young). And our political beliefs are not exactly in favor of the same thing. He has a history of girls wanting to be “just friends” with him. Mom pointed out that maybe I should wonder why the other girls didn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe she has made a good point here? (not sure really )

Overall that’s pretty much the basics of the “relationship”. Also I have not known him to lie up to this point, which is why I tended to believe the alcohol/cousin story. Didn’t believe it whole-heartedly but I did believe it.



Thanks to those who have taken the time to reply. I am happy to finally get other opinions to consider. More responses will of course be appreciated as well (I don’t want to kill the thread which I unfortunately seem to be good at doing… at least I know I tend to kill conversations I’m assuming a thing like this is similar…)

Orbyss, your analyzation of SolarShadow may have been mistaken. But it sounds about dead on if it was about me

well, you can say anything you want, and have a picture of anyone you want, on the Internet. I could be a 26-year-old with a Porsche and a wall street job...but I'm not...

The Russians have a saying 'trust, but verify' (it rhymes in Russian).

There are also a lot of places you need to check, or can look into. Technically, in some states, he shouldn't be trying to date you until next year (blame the law, not me..

First, I don't know the exact names of a lot of these places, but some women will probably remember better what they are.

First - check the criminal records of the State he's in. They're public records, and will probably give you any offenses he's done (ours is 123nc, but do a search for his state). They won't give you any other info unless you pay (usually), but if you get a few hits, see if they're DUI (or whatever the abbreviation is in your area)

Second- there's sites like anywho, which can give you other info about him.

Third - I don't know the exact name, but there's a site called something like 'dump the guy', where women who've wound up with gold-plated losers or dangerous boyfriends put up info how how to recognize and avoid people who are major problems.

Hey, if you come up with nothing, it's something you can show your Mom (assuming he's given you his real name). If you find out something, you've saved yourself a world of heartache, or worse. It's a sick, sad World out there on the Internet.

Sounds like the age difference was compounded by your emotional age - you are enrolled beyond your chronological age and he wasnt aware of your true age until he was already attracted.

Bottom line for me was this. Did the person I was interested in make me a better and stronger person. Did they encourage me to explore my interests and my learning and career and as a person? So ask yourself. Does he make you happy. Did he encourage you to quit your dream of going to med school or is he an excuse to quit.

At your age it would be very common to be afraid of all these major changes and challenges. You don't have a timer saying they MUST be made now. There is no expiration date on a relationship or an education. If you need more time to decide, take it. Don't put yourself thro too much pressure. If he truly cares for you it won't matter and he will support your decision and your mental and emotional health.

When it comes time to decide you may choose to meet him for lunch, maybe meeting him will resolve all the issues anyway. Picture yourself ten years from now, would you regret never meeting him or be relieved? That may give yourself your answer.

Best of luck and remember - parents are people who look at things thro their own perspective. It IS the perspective of love - but it is still their own perspective. I love my son, but I have to back away and let him make his own choices or he will never stand on his own feet.

First, you paint your friend in a very negative picture.

Second, before I met my girlfriend, I always seemed to be "the brother" with my female friends, and they always found boyfriends and ignored me afterward. So maybe he's just had my luck.

My girlfriend and myself moved together and have been together for a year now. My parents weren't fond of her, but they told me that I'm old enough to make my own life, and that by making mistakes and accepting responsibility I can learn to grow and be a more functional adult. The girlfriend is currently in school to be a dentist, and I work long hours to pay for it, but learning things together is worth it.

Ask yourself if this friend of yours has offered, or would, work on the relationship with your parents. Next ask yourself if he discourages your Med-school. If not, I agree with Eristo, it is possible to always dump him later.

I guess I've taken a chance with my girlfriend and so far things are good. I'd rather have taken the chance and gotten a definitive answer, than to forever wonder "what if."

Besides, there are people that have dated only one person their entire life. Its not as common after 1965, but it still does occasionally happen.

I didn’t know I painted my friend in a negative picture
I was just dumping facts as they came to mind… but I’ve been told I have a poor way of presenting things before… it might be a problem I'm going to have to fix

If he feels the same way as you do for him, would he be willing to wait for you to do medical school? Why must you drop your dream for him?

You're only 17, and in a similar situation to what I was in when I was 16. I chose the guy over my family, and had 2 1/2 years of abuse. That's not to say it would happen to you, it's just one situation. But I spent more time worrying over him and what I was doing wrong than my schoolwork, which suffered as a result. Ended up failing a lot. I was best friends with him over the internet for a year before "dating" him, and I loved him so much.

You don't have to make these decisions. If you want to be more than friends with him, then do so, but don't let it compromise your life.

If he's the guy you want to be with you'll know the answer deep down inside... When I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move across the continent with me after only dating her for a few months she didn't even think twice. When I asked her if she wanted to get married she didn't even think twice... She just knew!

Im getting the vibe you're in a similar situation my wife was in a few years ago... She dated a total loser for 4 years because they we're "friends" and for the sole fact he was crazy/obsessed about her but she wasn't nuts about him. She never had the heart to let him down and felt morally obligated to date him. It did a lot more damage than good! That duschebag squandered her savings away, detracted her from her dreams, and got her into several bad debts worth over $5k. Pretty much that was the straw that broke the camels back. He never paid it back rather kept squandering money. Not to mention he ruined her flipping credit score. When I met her a few years afterwards she was a humble subway manager, paying off debt, and living from paycheck to paycheck.

Her debts, lack of job opportunities, and views on money has put major stresses in our relationship. Luckily Im a kind sugar daddy . If you are going to be with this guy you two have to have a gameplan about career and cashflow. Don't date him cause you feel bad about not dating him! You got to want to date him.

As for the parents you don't have to please or answer to them.