Having trouble moving on

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Joined: 17 Nov 2007
Age: 40
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Location: Chicago IL

05 May 2009, 7:30 pm

So my girlfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. Since then (for various reasons) I've moved out of state and am trying to start my life over again.

Before we dated we were actually good friends and we're trying to transition back to that, but it's been awkward. I confess some lingering bitterness on my part, even though I'm trying to let it go. I'm sure it's the same for her.

Because she's on my friends list I still see her Livejournal updates and I'm worried I'm getting obsessive. I think certain comments are veiled insults towards me when they're most likely not, and when she recently discussed a new crush I literally felt ill.

Any advice? I may be a bit resentful but I don't hate her and do miss the good times we used to have. I definitely don't want to get back together, but I guess when you get close to someone you miss that kind of communication, even if it wasn't always good, y'know?

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iMark
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05 May 2009, 7:35 pm

forget her: the best way to get over a broken relationship (and it will always be broken no matter how well-patched together you think it is) is to make a clean break of it and never look back. it is tough at first but with an abundance of potential girlfriends out ther you will not be lonely for long unless you choose to be.

now get out there and meet some women!

jamesohgoodie
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05 May 2009, 7:50 pm

iMark wrote:

Oh yes, I'm sure an un-employed cartoonist who lives in his parents basement and has Asperger's syndrome will have the honeys just flocking to my doorstep.

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ToadOfSteel
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05 May 2009, 9:16 pm

iMark wrote:

Why do people keep spewing this argument? It's just there to endorse the "spray and pray" method... Sure, there's billions of women out there, but one one "her"...

Esther
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05 May 2009, 9:39 pm

Will someone please tell me what this "spray and pray" method is?

ToadOfSteel
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05 May 2009, 9:40 pm

Esther wrote:

Will someone please tell me what this "spray and pray" method is?

Asking out as many women as possible and hoping that one will accept, even if she's not right for you...

Esther
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05 May 2009, 9:41 pm

I'm having trouble (more before, less now) moving on as well from the idea of my ex. I sometimes regret that we didn't have a child together.

Orbyss
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06 May 2009, 12:04 am

jamesohgoodie wrote:

iMark wrote:

Oh yes, I'm sure an un-employed cartoonist who lives in his parents basement and has Asperger's syndrome will have the honeys just flocking to my doorstep.

Hahah. Hell, I fell in love with this comment, you're already on your way.

Esther wrote:

I'm having trouble (more before, less now) moving on as well from the idea of my ex. I sometimes regret that we didn't have a child together.

My god. I've already thought this about mine. It's a horrible feeling, though.

ToadOfSteel wrote:

iMark wrote:

Why do people keep spewing this argument? It's just there to endorse the "spray and pray" method... Sure, there's billions of women out there, but one one "her"...

Exactly. It's a lot more specific than that. When you love, you love, and there're only so many people that you can fit with, I believe. A lot of people don't buy that, but to this day, I feel more sure of my observations than ever before.

jamesohgoodie
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06 May 2009, 1:14 am

Orbyss wrote:

jamesohgoodie wrote:

iMark wrote:

Oh yes, I'm sure an un-employed cartoonist who lives in his parents basement and has Asperger's syndrome will have the honeys just flocking to my doorstep.

Hahah. Hell, I fell in love with this comment, you're already on your way.

Feel like taking a roadtrip to Chicago?

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Orbyss
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06 May 2009, 2:38 am

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Feel like taking a roadtrip to Chicago?

...

Uh...

Chicago is haunting me, now and forever.

Actually, yes. I've been thinking about it for a while. But that ties in too deliciously with where my now-gay-ex's current interest is living. That's almost too tempting, yet too horrible.

Plus it's Chicago. That city brings me to my knees every time, anyway. I'll have to pass.

jamesohgoodie
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06 May 2009, 2:44 am

Orbyss wrote:

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Feel like taking a roadtrip to Chicago?

Ah well, worth a shot :-)

Sounds like you have the relationship with Chicago that I now have with Minneapolis (where I just moved from). My ex isn't currently gay though...although she was bi, so she was halfway there already.

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Orbyss
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06 May 2009, 4:40 am

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Orbyss wrote:

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Feel like taking a roadtrip to Chicago?

Ah well, worth a shot :-)

And you have a relationship with Minneapolis that confounds me because I was born and raised there. That's too many coincidences. STOP THAT.

jamesohgoodie
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06 May 2009, 1:44 pm

Orbyss wrote:

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Orbyss wrote:

jamesohgoodie wrote:

Feel like taking a roadtrip to Chicago?

Ah well, worth a shot :-)

And you have a relationship with Minneapolis that confounds me because I was born and raised there. That's too many coincidences. STOP THAT.

Coincidences eh? I'm thinking of a color...

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oppositedirection
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06 May 2009, 6:27 pm

While relationships might be better than friendships, many friendships can last life long, only few relationships do. Therefore, do not end a long term friendship because of a shorter term relationship.

Besides, does anyone truly ever got over anyone else? I suspect you'll feel more pain and obsession over her if you remove her from your life. Both the easiest, least painful and most beneficial approach is too remain friends. Let her know you are happy for her taking an interest in someone else, no matter how much it hurts you. Be happy for her doing so, no matter how much it hurts. When you see her once more as a friend than a girlfriend, that's how close it will come to recovery.

Esther
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06 May 2009, 9:09 pm

oppositedirection wrote:

That's sage advice. I think I would be so happy if/when/once my ex finds a new girlfriend. I love him so much and I want him to be happy. It would hurt like hell, of course, but I feel that that's one huge way I can truly move on.

jamesohgoodie
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06 May 2009, 10:12 pm

Esther wrote:

oppositedirection wrote:

Well, finding someone else is of course the obvious way to move on, for both of us. The thing is...she was the first girlfriend I'd had in a long time, and the longest relationship I've had to date. I haven't been very lucky in dating and can count the number of lovers I've had on one hand. I'm just worried in my current state (unemployed, parents, depressed, etc) that it'll be a while before I find somebody else, and that worries me.

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