Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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EDIT: That was meant for a now locked topic XD

Kurgan, your post is inconsistent. on another thread you made it clear that you do not want to ever give emotional support to any friends, not just those few that you believe have 'friendzoned' you. however, most people consider that to be part of friendship. very few people behave to the extreme degree that you are wary of.

I never said that. In a regular friendship, though, you talk about you emotions now and then, when the other person has asked about them and you still do other stuff together. Friendship doesn't mean to ungeatefuly use someone you never talk to normally like a dispenser of sympathy when nobody else wants to listen to your BS.

this was what you said:









you made it clear that you only want to offer emotional support to friends when they are also willing to talk about sports and cars and going to the gym to a much higher degree (which you made pretty clear was something your MALE friends are into).

you have a very unusual idea of what constitutes friendship.

I seem incapable of giving good emotional support, so yeah. I'm probably gonna be perma-screwed with women for that reason, unless I decide to be hedonistic and do a bunch of one night stands, which isn't really compatible with my religion. I've had even male friends stop talking to me for not being able to give enough emotional support. I also got multiple complaints from friends who stopped talking to me that I talk too much about myself, also. So, put it short, crappy friend even to male friends. So really, all my conversations with male friends are about...stuff, and like 3% are about feelings and emotions and whatever.

It makes me sorta sad, I mean, many guys really wish to be in my position, so to speak, as I don't get "nice guyed" very easily, but my relations with females are really pretty abysmal. Oddly enough, I've had girls ask my number and stuff, as I've said in threads before, so I probably initially appear "hot" and stuff, again, perfect for one night stands, but my ability to like, be competent in a relationship seems pretty low, as I've not been able to keep female friends very long.

Just saying, it's the other side of the grass. The opposite extreme of the "Nice Guy" I guess.

have you been in therapy to try to work on the underlying issues that prevent you from supporting people?

Really though, if you are interested, say so. If she rejects you, there is nothing forcing you to be her friend. Always possible to downgrade someone to "person you know".

I've gone to too many therapy, psychology/etc things to even count at this point, and it's mostly been a waste of time. I wasn't diagnosed until 17 years old with NVLD and schizoid PD, and then later on it was changed to an ASD diagnosis (though sorta unofficially, the NVLD and schizoid is "on paper" and the ASD is just psychs verbally telling me it.) All the people I've been referred to basically got no/very little experience with ASD, and I get told stupid things like "oh, you'll grow out of it." Basically, the big problem with the treatment is I'm highly alexithymic, and I've just came to that conclusion recently. I'm not usually aware of how I feel, and can basically only verbalize it as feeling either bad or good. Also, my Simon Baron Cohen empathy test score is like abysmally low, like 14 or 16 or something.

As far as the cause of my alexithymia, it's a mix. As a guy, you're told in life how you constantly have to toughen up, and internalize feelings. And I've had life experience where this was a requirement to survive/keep your sanity. The other thing, too, my NVLD, NVLD is entirely a neurological problem in nature, it's a right brain hemisphere deficit/damage, so neurologically, it's sort of a predisposition. But yeah, with therapy, that's kind of a hurdle, as nobody's really trained to handle NVLD, and it's similar to Aspergers, but it's a different cause. Then I probably have a higher degree of alexithymia than most NVLD people, too. I have 2 (possibly 3) other friends with NVLD and they're a bit more emotional than I, not a lot lot more, but more than I.

As far as giving support to people, I'm plenty fine with giving support to people in actions, but as far as emotional connectivity goes, it's a dead end. Like if people call me up saying their car is broken, I won't be like "Aww, that's sad, you must feel so bad," I'll be like "All right, this and this and this is needed to fix it, you need my help, I can do it ___ time tomorrow." So it's not an issue of empathy in that sense, but my emotional connectivity sucks.

I get the impression you really dislike men and speak loudly/often about the unerring nobility of women. If someone says something you don't like, I see you pick them apart mercilessly or close the thread. As a moderator, I find this disturbing and see this as a form of bullying.

Was waiting for someone else to see this.

This has not been my experience of her at all. She and I have had plenty of disagreements, most of them involving gender relations in some way. There are a few threads where you'll see us going back and forth for, like, ten pages. She does not pick me apart mercilessly, she just makes me defend my position. Unlike many people here, she is quite good at not letting disagreements turn into personal attacks. And, every time she's dealt with me in her capacity as mod, she's been faultlessly courteous and respectful.

Yes it's true that she seems to have an easier time seeing things from the woman's perspective, and she seems to have an easier time spotting sexism when it's directed at women. Big surprise, she's a woman. But she does not engage in man-bashing, and there have been plenty of times when she's called people out on it.

given that they were comparing sex to employment, I'm not sure your wording was ideal.

no, i would never say that women are perfect in any way. when i try to make statements about people in general, i make sure it is understood that there are always exceptions.

and i don't generally moderate threads where i am an active participant as it gets too messy.

in terms of male-bashing, i actually just asked someone to edit a post in a thread that was attacking a man (who happens to have non-feminist ideas that i disagree with vehemently, but he deserves the same protection as any other member).

sometimes i do think i should do more public moderation of misandrist posts (instead of privately), so that people can see me taking action. but i'm not trying to make a show of it. fact is.... we get more reports of misogynistic posts in the subforum than the reverse. if you find that we are missing some man-hating posts, please report them so we can have a look.

of course i pick apart my debate opponents mercilessly. that is a good discussion, and if you consider it bullying you are on the wrong forum. i don't use my mod tools to help with that though.

i would wonder though.... in your opinion have i EVER made an inaccurate statement about women? please point it out to me if it is the case.

(thanks mds_02 )

You probably have a couple of times, hyperlexian, but more than enough blokes have painted the "nice guy" picture so it's not like you're some raging feminist, it's just human nature. We can't get it right all the time, but you get it right most of the time!

i wanted him to find at least one post. i am extremely careful to add qualifiers to my statements

"women are not gold-diggers"? You went to great lengths to defend all women everywhere and condemn men for even considering some women have less than noble intents.

I'm hoping my small cross-section of experiences are only bad examples...