It's Really Not an NT or Aspie Thing....

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Not everyone is overtly religious and has those beliefs, either.

Some promiscuous people are incredibly religious.

Some people who want to wait till marriage are atheists.

It's not necessarily a religious thing.

It's funny how HopeGrows claims to be "just giving her opinion"...that takes up half of an 8 page thread that she started.

What else do you think she did beside what she "claims"? She gave her opinion and apparently people found it interesting enough to keep the discussion going and make it a sticky.

I really don't see why it upsets you so much, you don't have to agree with her

If by people, you mean her, then sure, it kept going.

She couldn't have asked for her own thread to be stickied so somebody must have - usually it takes quite a few requests to make a sticky and it also has to be supported by the mods - that's what made me think that others found it useful.

I'm still curious why you find it so upsetting - it's not good for you

The last time I checked, the statistics were this:

Around 80% of first marriages end in death. The remaining 20% end in divorce. This divorce rate is drastically inflated by repeat-marriages. A small segment of the population will marry and remarry and remarry, having several divorces over the course of their lives. Just as in healthcare the top 5% of beneficiaries are responsible for using over 90% of the resources, this tiny percentage of unstable people artificially inflate the statistics.

In any given year, there will be about half as many divorces as marriages. What is overlooked is that most of these divorces are people's second, third, or fourth.

Things are not as grim as it may appear when all you hear is screaming about how half of all marriages end in divorce. You should be more disturbed that of those who do divorce, some of them will marry multiple times in the future and continually get divorced.

That 80% might be true when we include all marriages, but that number includes those 60-100 years old who have stronger views against divorce than modern generations. The divorce rate for first marriage entered nowadays is around 41%.

Very good point. Let's see what happens in the next generation. Maybe it will still be around 80%...but only 20% will end in death. I sure hope not. There are enough miserable s**ts around these days.

I would certainly agree that as an aspie male i have been far more vulnerable to the wrong women. I will confess that the woman i thought i wanted to spend my life with is a classic borderline personality. Arguably it was her need to get under peoples skin that drew me in (having confused this for actual intimacy since i never had no experince with either.

I look back at most of the women whom i have desired most passionatly. And in pretty much every case i can now see i was being used.

The question for me has always been how to attract an emotionally heathy women that will stick around when i start to open up.
So i end up with an understanding of romantic love being something that seems to only bring pain.

I think that it is this vulnerabilty that leads many of us to choose the dull ache of lonliness over the sucking emptyness you feel in the wrong relationships.

It is interesting,isn't it, the subtle and not so subtle dysfunction, and the dynamics between two people. My husband is suspected of having Aspergers. I suppose I am NT but I suffered all kinds of trauma in my childhood. I was not exposed to many emotionally available people. I've been in therapy for 20 years and I am still doing tons of work, but these wounds are hard to heal and have led me to choose a man who is basically emotionally unavailable. Please help me here,for I am new to the whole aspie scene, but I have told him several times that i need him to soften and not become angry at me when I cry, that when I cry, chances are there is something going on, that one holds a person they love when that person is hurting. Instead, he says a hurtful thing or points out my faults, then goes and checks out on the computer orotherwise. It is seemingly cold and casually cruel. He still checks out when I cry, and refuses to do anything different. It feels like he has no interest in or love for me.
I know WHY I picked this man....I was not healed enough to believe I was worth that kind of love and attention. Some would call me needy and crazy.
In my previous relationship, I DID have a man who was emotionally available....who cried, who softened. I did not act likethis with him for there was no need to. I knew where I stood with him.
I'd be interested to hear from those who are "NT" what kind of issues you think you might have that led you tochoose an "aspie" And for aspies, help me understand the feeling aspect. Fromwhat i'veread, it isn't that a person means to be cold. But why won't he respond to my requests? I know every case is different, but I am looking for some hope here.

Hi @earthmother, and welcome. I think you're in the very tough spot of sorting out which of your husband's behaviors are simply about being Aspie, and which are about his personality. IMO, his refusal to modify his behavior when you're in crisis is probably a mixture of both Aspie traits (he feels unable to cope with your emotional displays, so these displays stress him out and the stress angers him), and his personality (he appears to be unwilling to explore new behaviors to provide the support you need).

Is there any chance you can get your husband to go to counseling with you? Because he does need to work on developing some new behaviors to support you. Remember, you're not asking him to intuit why you're upset - because that's likely beyond his abilities. You're asking him to engage in certain behaviors when you cry (even if that behavior is simply to separate himself from you without belittling and insulting you before he goes).

I'm NT, and I've been involved with a few Aspies. I was engaged to my first Aspie. Like yourself, I think my own dysfunctional issues played a role in selecting him as a partner. Breaking up with him was what prompted me to go into therapy. I knew that unless and until I figured out why I was drawn to him, I'd either go back to him, or choose someone just like him. The last Aspie I was involved with just seemed like a great match. He was smart, his special interests were interesting to me, we had a lot in common, a lot of the same beliefs, and I thought he was cute. I have my own life, my own career - I'm not looking for a man to become my world, you know? I thought he would be an interesting companion, and maybe a decent lover. Unfortunately, when I met him, I believed that BS myth that Aspies don't cheat or lie - so I believed everything he told me was the truth. I found out too late that there's nothing about being Aspie that inhibits lying or cheating. His skill at lying, along with his disability and some other problems, made dating him pretty much like what I think dating a sociopath must be like. He was extraordinarily cruel to me, without even a hint of remorse. I don't blame his Aspieness for the failure of the relationship, although it did enhance the character flaws that IMO, were the root of the problem. (His rigid thinking, his inability to incorporate life experience into his perspective, his unwillingness to grow or change, all combined to keep him very much stuck in his own skewed view of the world and relationships.) But in the end, it was his pathological lying - much more than his Aspieness - that doomed the relationship.

That knowledge was extremely hard won. I went through a time of tremendous confusion trying to sort out which behaviors were about Asperger's, which behaviors were about his dysfunctional childhood, which behaviors were about his attachment disorder, and which behaviors were simply about his lack of character. In the end, I realized that he is not a kind, decent, honest or trustworthy person - and that has nothing to do with him being Aspie.

Yes, every NT I know has problems in their social life.

The only women who seemed to actually like me were the ones who were needy, desperate, codependent, overly jealous, or had the 'i can fix him' syndrome or a mixture of the above.

Course I did not know any of this until after a few months of going out.
Then the calling/texting several times a day, driving by my house, saying they could not live without me.. etc...
And this after just maybe five or six times going to an even, a hug or a handshake(takes a lot for me to even do hugs or go further because I am uncomfortable), listening to her talk(what I like bores most people I have met) and no sex.

With the reasons above and the reasons of my own failures I just quit.
Still fun to wax nostalgic about it though.

Yes, it seem likely that Aspies will be at higher risk of pairing up with someone with psychological problems because some Aspie characteristics are likely to scare off confident individuals lacking in psychological problems. The problems with Theory of Mind, emotional expression and intimacy that characterize Aspies, otherwise they would not have the dx, are the antithesis of those that make for sensitive warm parenting. Confident people without psychological problems who are seeking to settle down with a family will likely avoid those with pronounced Aspie characteristics whereas those with psychological difficulties might not.

Where did you get your psychology degree? A weetbix box?
truly confident people don't judge others - they don't need to.

Blah, blah, blah, full of s**t, etc, etc, etc.