Why are a lot of women on here so hypocritical???

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I disagree on observations of personality being shallow only at a distance. Consider every person you've ever heard of who had been in a LTR of some sort, maybe even married, and went through an ugly breakup or divorce only to say that person wasn't "who I thought" he/she "was."

Or even my dad, for another example. He was a pretty cool guy around his friends and people he did business with or who worked for him. But he was given to frequent fits of rage in private.

My point is it's only when you REALLY spend some time with a person, and I mean YEARS with a person that you get to know that person for who/what they are when they drop their guard.

The reverse is true, also. Someone who can consistently show a bright, bubbly personality and commit themselves to acting out those kinds of personality traits can ultimately internalize them in such a way that those habits fuze themselves to the underlying "person." I'm a firm believer in "fake it until you make it." But some of the most horrible people I know are the ones who somehow just can't make those connections with genuine, sincere expression of who they are. My longest relationship prior to this one was one of those, and at a certain point the poor girl just gave up. When she got comfortable enough around me that she wore her insecurities on her sleeve and tried to push them off on me, I finally decided it was time to split. We're ALL better for that experience.

And I think one of the biggest conflicts of personality versus character, not to mention perhaps the truly most significant indicator of feminine hypocrisy***, is the idea that if a woman loves her man but isn't completely satisfied, she can "change" or "train" him. Well, my wife would say I'm "well trained," but there are just certain tricks this dog WILL NOT DO. And by consistently being the person she expected me to be when we met, I've given her no false illusions of what life will be like throughout our marriage. If that is too difficult for her, she should have left me a long time ago. Trust me, we gave each other PLENTY opportunities!! !

So, ladies, I'll ask you this one: Why is it so many of you who do land a man gradually set out over a long period of time to mold and shape him into the very image of what you want him to be only to whine and complain that the man your with "just isn't the same man you fell in love with"???

***I am by no means a misogynist, but I do recognize that gender roles are commonly shared among members of the same sex in Western society. This is a statement of the world as it is and is by no means intended as language of discrimination, accusation, or even as denigrating feminists.

no, i still disagree. i've been married for 16 years, together for 20. no surprises there. once i got to know his personality, i had a very good idea of what kind of person he was. i couldn't tell everything, because some things you only get to know from years together, but i certainly had a good idea what he was like, his interests, his priorities, his treatment of friends and family, etc....

i don't try to change him, but we do evolve together. i have never even known a woman to try to change her husband like that, so i think maybe you are basing that assumption about women on a stereotype...

whether someone is abusive is definitely *part* of their personality as well (there's even a phrase for it - "abusive personality") - just that the abusive part isn't something that the general public gets to see. of course it would not be visible from dating somebody a couple of times, but that doesn't make judging people on their personalities altogether shallow!

character is part of personality. it is possible for a person to have a partially fake persona that they show to the public, but there is no reason to assume that the majority of people do that - most people seem to be fairly honest. i see no reason to believe otherwise.

someone's personality is what a partner will be living with, day in and day out - it's the outer self that a partner interacts with, and it is based on aspects of the inner self. that is not a shallow way to judge someone.

Yeah, but you seem like a genuinely good woman who cares about your relationship and you two really have it together.

The "appearances" thing is not any more shallow than personality. I mean, you can tell a lot about what's going on with a person by personality. On that we agree. But looks apply as well. I'm not going to get anywhere CLOSE to a woman who looks like she has a bird's nest in her hair and has meth-mouth when she smiles. I can make some reasonable assumptions about that person and, considering the odds, be correct in my assumptions. I don't care how nice you are--if you are unapproachable, I'm not going to want to get to know you.

Someone who "looks" inviting is more likely to be a winner. Personality is all part of the "invitation" to know someone. You put on your very best for the kind of person you want to attract. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you act like a total b!+ch, I don't care how good you look.

Someone who I consider vaguely hawt is Amber Portwood (Teen Moms). But it's OBVIOUS she has an unbearable demeanor. She's almost exactly like a girl I dated once, just not that physically violent and out-of-control. My ex-fiance has a really mean dad, which was something I could relate to. But when she'd bait me to the point I'd yell at her, she'd get all weepy and defensive because that's exactly what her DAD does. Never mind the fact I only raised my voice because she was already screaming at me! And that's NOTHING like who I thought she was when we first met--very sweet, quiet, shy, cuddly, and so on. The extra weight? Didn't even notice. But as the relationship wore on, I was having a harder and harder time justifying exactly WHY I bothered hanging out and hanging on. It really boiled down to my own insecurities that I couldn't do any better. And that's the thing with the Ambers and Garys of the world. Gary can get Mickey D's job, buy a couple of suits of nice clothes, and attract any random decent girl. I thank God that He didn't allow me to do something as dumb as have a child with this chick.

The truly sad part was after I broke up with her, I found that she'd become such a huge part of my own identity I didn't even recognize myself without her. But I figured it out soon enough, and I've been with the same person for over 10 years now (not as long as you, hyperlexian, but long enough!).

It just sounds to me that you surround yourself with totally decent people and perhaps I tend to attract those who are somewhat troubled just as I am. I've tended to end up more with people eager to feed me to the wolves, so I do tend to be cynical regarding other people's intentions. I dunno what the deal is, but these people seek me out! lol

If you met my mother you'd understand why I think the way I do...

There is nothing hypocritical with wanting someone who isn't you. You should be looking for someone is complimentary to you rather then your clone. If you have emotional issues, someone else with emotional issues is a bad idea. Aspie + Aspie probably isn't the best idea either.

That doesn't mean look for someone perfect in every way, it means look for someone who's flaws are made up by your strengths and vice versa.

Seigman Freud feels your pain...in a phallic sort of way

My mom's an evil, selfish, b***h. Not much to it.

@RICKY5. there's therapy for that. you don't need to to put down all women because of your mother.

Well it's kind of reasonable to want someone emotionally stable even if you are unstable yourself. One unstable person and one stable one is better than two unstable people.

I mean, put it this way. Do you think I should look for a man who has anger issues just because I have a rage problem myself? No, I didn't think so.

Where I said: "I agree with that to a fair extent, not entirely because someone who's attracted or unattracted to certain people for superficial reasons often not only end up making themselves less happier, but possibly those that they end up not associating with."

People with desirable traits keep others from experiencing them when they're overly picky.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 19 Oct 2010, 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^ Thats a New Zealand woman, too. We are all actually like that.

^ you mean hot?

Maybe. She is kind of hot i guess...

Hyperlexian, a lot can often be determined about a person just by looking at them, but I'm generally speaking from the context of whether a certain attraction to someone is a good idea to chase or not. If physical attraction is a good selling point for someone and it has staying power long term with someone (e.g. they don't stop caring some time in that their partner's hott), then it's not superficial for them. For a short term fling, the bar's lowered even more because you don't care how attractive a person or feature of a person will be long from now. Is this making sense?

i am not sure what you are saying, because looks are a superficial quality - the word itself means :

being at, on, or near the surface

a person can't judge someone by their looks, or select someone according to outward attractiveness, without it being superficial by definition. yes i know some people really are that shallow, but it is a bad thing and not a good thing. it reduces people to their outer shell and ignores the wonderful things inside.