Break-up: Aspie style!!

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To answer your question, no - I've never begun a relationship by telling my partner how I end them. I have no deficits when it comes to attachment, empathy or compassion, so there's nothing I have to disclose. But IMO, someone that does have those deficits should disclose them to a potential partner. Clearly you disagree - I can live with that.



No - emphatically - no. Character, @MidlifeAspie, is what determines whether a partner will be loyal and honest - NOT neural status. You may approach your relationships with the intent to be loyal and honest. If so, good for you. However, perpetuating the myth that all Aspies behave that way is dangerous and damaging.



Your assertion that break-ups are "almost always" initiated by the NT female is not supported by an awful lot of NT females who have posted on this site. It is not supported in the very subject matter of this post.



I find it offensive and irritating, frankly, that you're misrepresenting what I said because you're angry that I said it. As a matter of fact, I do "actually know" the background of some of these stories. Or do you think you know my life better than I do? Here's a thought: since you're not all-knowing, keep your insults about my motivation and the source of my hard-won knowledge to yourself.



And perhaps you need to review the TOS for this site.

I have read the TOS and MidlifeAspie said nothing that violated the TOS, even by the widest stretch of the imagination. If MidlifeAspie has violated the TOS in any way in his comment to you, then I have violated it a hundred times as much by affectionately calling ApsieGuy (who I just can't get enough of) a "hobbit". Try not to be so dang defensive.

Wow, this subject just gets more and more in depth.

First, I was wrong to shame anyone here. I didn't really understand what shame really is. To get an idea, watch this video by Dr. Brene Brown, who researches shame:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdllwCXDyTA&feature=related[/youtube]

Next, the OP may have asked for some reasons, reason may and can conflict with each other. You hear the saying "it is what it is" overused in our culture; this has become a bit of a cop-out. For the posters who are saying that they just want the relationship to end and blame it on AS, how do you explain it in an NT? Because it has happened to me by an NT. Saying there is no further explanation seems to be a bit of a cop-out.

I have to believe that the ending of a relationship in this manner has to do with some deep rooted shame. Blaming as being "it is what it is" or a Aspie thing doesn't get to the crux of why this has gotten to be such a problem.

Where is this from? I have to wonder if this is dated information because what I'm reading in these forums, break-ups seem to be initiated by both partners.

Bottom line: good taste is good taste. Not acknowledging someone's existence is not in good taste, especially someone who you did at one time have a relationship with. Character takes acting responsible whether one "feels" like acting responsible or not.

I know! It's great!



TheWeirdPig's skepticism is very interesting to me and it's made me think. I have initiated the break-up every single time as far as I'm aware, but I believe the relationship was like beating a dead horse by that point. One was an abusive alcoholic who'd want me to stay to continue to threaten my life, hit me and manipulate me. Another was a habitual cheater. Another was just a really weird guy who was perfectly content with us living separate lives in the same home. I mean... these relationships are clearly not working. So I'm not even sure if I was the one breaking up or if I was just calling Time of Death.

While there are exceptions to everything, I do agree with MidlifeAspie's assertion that it's a common aspie trait to be adverse to change. Aspies typically need preparation and planning, time to get used to an idea. A dramatic change like an end to a relationship isn't something that an aspie would usually do without plenty of consideration and, as a result, it's likely that the NT would get to it first. When I broke up or "called Time of Death" on my past relationships, I had a game plan. I never did it on a whim.



You're right. This is why when all my exes have found me on Facebook (good lord), I have allowed the friendship and the "hey how ya been" of it all. Some of them are really cool now. Others... not so much (that separate lives guy mentioned above just got weirder as the years went on. And he married a girl who looks exactly like me. That was freaky.) But this is years after the fact.

There's a phase that some people go through when they break up where they obsess about the other person. They drive past their house, they keep trying to make contact to talk, keep trying to meet for coffee and this goes on and on. I don't know why people go through this phase but it's not altogether uncommon to experience this from someone after you break up with them, even if you give them reasons and "closure". One of my exes even watched me make out with a new boyfriend months after he and I broke up by peeping in my windows! Another one drunk dialed me constantly until just over a year after I left him. There was one who called my boss with a bunch of crap trying to get me fired (didn't work). The weirdest was the one who kept sending me guys he thought I would like. This is why I don't answer calls, emails or IMs and why I don't entertain coffee dates or any of the like. I'm saying, "We're done. This is your life without me. Get used to this."

Of course, there were others who just understood. We were done. They moved on like men. They're the cool ones that I know now.

Actually @wefunction, personal attacks are not allowed on this website. Calling me a hypocrite, and a member who would use this space to "lash out at us as a substitute for some man who screwed," me over; making broad statements about my lack of personal knowledge of the subject matter and Asperger's, suggesting that I have "issues" that must be examined before I "start throwing stones at people," are all perfect, text-book examples of personal attacks. There's no stretch of the imagination required, wide or narrow: personal attacks aren't allowed.

Then maybe you can justify saying this before MidlifeAspie said you had issues:



Ouch!

EDIT TO ADD:
And from your profile:


So you're telling people they have issues without having any personal experience here. You're NT. How did MidlifeAspie possibly personally attack you when he used factual information to point out the obvious flaws in your argument and your only claim to victimization is something you had previously done to someone else?

Last edited by wefunction on 29 Jan 2011, 5:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You know, I don't hate to be the one to "break it to you" - you clearly don't understand the purpose of this site. But why let ignorance slow you down, right?

Yeah, I call troll on HopeGrows. Somebody needs a mirror or a happy pill or 15 minutes in the time out chair.

Or else they were never really into you in the first place, or had lost interest along the way. Just something to think about.



It's very interesting that you say this, and no offense to you. Some of the shame that I feel is due to the fact that I have so much trouble moving on it makes me feel less than a man. Us men are expected to be stoic and brave by much of society. We are in a way expected to carry heavy baggage and build strong walls of protection to appear to be strong. I become vulnerable with someone and lose, I have to pretend to the world that I'm not really hurting.

I also want to say that there may be legitimate times to cut contact. When there is physical (or even non-physical) abuse, alcohol or drug abuse, or other destructive behavior where the person has had every opportunity to get hep and change behaviors, no contact is a good policy.

Before you edit this out @wefunction, I'll save it for you. You can explain to the mods why the rules don't apply to you.

===================
WrongPlanet Rules
===================


Conduct
-----------
The following activities are unacceptable on WrongPlanet:

1. Posting offensive language, comments, video, or images.
Unacceptable content includes swearing; racist, sexist, homophobic language; behavior intended to provoke or belittle other members; violent or sexually demeaning content; sexual fetish; and discussion of excretory function. Posting graphic images or videos of people or animals being harmed is prohibited.

2. Personal attacks.
This includes insinuation, ridicule and personal insults, regardless of whether direct or indirect. Attacking an opinion, belief or philosophy is acceptable, but attacking the person making the comments is not.

If you want to keep this otherwise very interesting thread going, everybody involved should respect the above rules. Those who feel the subject is too emotional for them to be able to maintain a civil conduct, shouldn't post here any more.

This is a good thread that could help a lot of people, don't force me lock it.

@ HopeGrows and wefunction

Please slow down. I am appreciating what both of you have to say. Don't let it become less than useful.

Whether the metaphors are stones and glass houses, or specks and planks in eyes, insults are not productive.

Weirdly my ex always told me that if we ever broke up then he would cut off all contact (I should have asked him how it's possible while we were still talking!) However I never really believed him seeing as he said I was "shaping up to be the love of his life" and how I understood him more than anyone before.

I understand that it is possible to love someone and then cut off contact (it's a decision, like going cold turkey) but is it possible to truly love someone and then feel nothing when you beak up? Was it truly love if it can simply be turned off voluntarily?

Maggie xx

It is something to think about and is probably truer than not. Which means, again, that I was calling a Time of Death and not really breaking up.

I can think of one break-up that was a true break-up. He was actually very good for me but a positive and healthy relationship wasn't something my suffering self-esteem was about to let me have so I made sure to end it. He was very upset - more upset than I thought he would be - but that was it. I didn't hear from him. I was done and he was done. To this day, he hasn't sought me out on Facebook and he's got too common of a name for me to bother trying to find him. I'm not sure what I'd say if he did appear. I don't know. So in retrospect I know that was a good situation with somebody who actually cared about me; but, he still left me alone after the break-up.



It's no offense taken. Trust me when I say that I don't mind being called on something. When I said "like men" I was thinking "like adults", but you're absolutely right about all the gender stereotyping that gets wrapped up in being "a man" and how men can feel awful if they have feelings and weaknesses.

This might be why some men do act out with the psycho/stalker behavior after a break-up. They don't know how to process their hurt in a healthy way and, instead, act out in a controlling and domineering way. I can't say whether or not that's behind every man's eradict behavior (of the ones that behave in such a way). It's just a thought.



I don't think there are a lot of people who'd argue that these are exceptions but I didn't bring up those relationships to justify not talking to those men. I can easily assume I have your support for that, even before you said the above. I was bringing that up on the topic of NTs initiating break-ups v. Aspies initiating break-ups. I was the one who left. You know? That's why I brought that up.

The lack of empathy with most autistics as children is the theory of mind empathy or expressing empathy. This does not mean no empathy ever especially since empathy develops from life experience. Some have way too much empathy to the point of actually feeling what another person is feeling beyond the norm which can promote shutting down and stims.

It seems that people confuse the lack of empathy found with autism with narcissism and psychopath's lack of empathy. It's utter nonsense. Oneday, it will be revealed.

WP,

I think that it makes you more of a man that you can't turn your emotions on and off like a water faucet. In my opinion, the very zenith of being human is that we do feel.

For me - the very definition and essence of a quality, substantial romantic relationship REQUIRES emotional connection and synergy - a mutually beneficial partnership that involves fascination, respect, admiration and passion. Moreover, I don't think it can be manufactured, engendered, fabricated or suddenly "turned off. It either is or isn't!

Moreover, I wholeheartedly concur that in the case of abuse - it is better to break clean without any contact whatsoever!

LL



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