do you have a bf/gf

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I have a boyfriend (who I met online) and three ex's. My first (2007) wasn't official (We said yes then he ignored me for months until I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him), my second (2008) is now one of my best friends. He may or may not have been a textbook case of Psycho/sociopath, but I think he's awesome. It was just a summer fling. And my previous ex to this date, June 6 2009 - June 17 2010 -- It had been up and down the whole time, I wasn't surprised when we broke up, but I was still bleeding inside over it for the 6 months before and after it.

And then, while dating my ex, I found my soulmate. He was a moderator on a forum of one of my strong interests, was the one who voted that I should be a mod. He didn't know for months that I liked him and was very quickly falling for him (while I was still in a crumbling and self-destructive online relationship -- the ex is in Oregon, was 3 hours behind me), and then someone said I liked him and he liked me. When me and my ex (Chris) broke up, I was nervous if my now-boyfriend actually liked me at all, when truth be told, he loved me and was worried I didn't feel the same xD

So yeah, relationships are far from my strong point, but we're making this work. I told my parents about him, about us, less than four months in, and he visited me for my birthday, leaving a week after our 6 months, then I flew over to him to hopefully live in Aus 6 months later (:

Sorry for telling my life story xD

Yes, I have found a GF. We have been together for about 3 months now.

Yes, but we're *attempting* to keep it light. He's finishing up grad school and may be moving sometime next summer after he graduates, plus my life has been crazy over the last few months. So, we're kind of enjoying each others' company and seeing where it goes. Ordinarily, this type of situation would drive me crazy, but with every that's been going on, it feels like the right thing for now.

No I'm happily single at the moment and have no plans on changing it for a while

I am sorry if you are angry with me but I am not forced to date you.

I think the problem is that people tire of continuously-hearing people bemoan not having an SO when they very well could have one, if they were more open-minded about different types of people. Moreover, what you call "height-weight proportionate" really is just code for "not overweight or obese". While it's not, as you say, implying you want a supermodel, in America this still means you refuse to date a majority of women based on their size, regardless of whether it's caused by stereotypical Twinkie and burger scarfing or genetic predisposition, or a medical disorder of some kind. I was obese most of my life (my thyroid's tested low before, and hypothyroidism runs in my family on both sides), and was far healthier then than now, constantly depriving myself to stay at a weight that's not natural for me, and then binging occasionally when the pressure becomes too great. If it can't be said that this personal standard is based on preference for a healthy mate (I reached 215 lbs before I had any health problems whatsoever), then what is it based on, exactly, besides internalization of cultural beauty standards? The point is, people aren't likely to be too receptive to tales of dating/singlehood woes when someone upfront declares "I will not date 2/3-3/4 of the sex I'm attracted to from the get-go because I don't like their size." While of course you're well within your RIGHT to refuse to date anyone, as Tom implies above, it's not consistent to subsequently complain about a lack of dating success.

I agree whole-heartedly about shared interests and socio-economic background- those are extremely indicative (I would think) of lasting success between two people.

It's not code, I thought I was being pretty blunt about it. It is true that America has an extreme Obesity problem, but that is clearly America's problem, not mine. I'm truly sorry that you had medical problems which caused you to gain weight.

But lets look at this in perspective, if I were to go out with a woman who was, using your example of 215lbs, she would outweigh me by 65lbs! I would not feel comfortable with that. Call it what you want, internalized beauty standards, pettiness, shallowness.. I've heard it all before. But me not being interested in dating women who are well beyond my weight or height is no different than the fact I also don't date outside of my own culture or phenotype*, don't date people who are transgender, transsexual, or are my gender. All of these things limit my potential dating pool, but I'm okay with that.

*I like that word so much more than "Race"...

I have a lovely Wife!!

she was the first woman I dated and for some reason she seems to put up with me so I married her

Right. Again, you're not obligated to be "into" or date anyone, per se, just under pain of consistency to not complain about a lack of dates when, arguably, your own requirements are what's preventing you from getting them. That was my only point. I have absurdly strict requirements (think single male population x <.01 x .5 x .01) for a mate, but those all went out the window, almost every single one, when I met my boyfriend. Maybe someone will surprise you.

Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 06 Feb 2012, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's such a cute way to describe it!

I don't think that is quite fair to be honest. It's the same sort of thinking that leads to the whole "Well you are poor because you don't work hard enough" mentality.. "If you'd just pull yourself up by your bootstraps..." kind of thinking, "If you'd just be more open minded... " is another favorite. But anything that requires me to lessen my standards.. would be a lie.

I don't think it at all analogous...

the fact is, someone who refuses to date fat people - in a place where most people are fat - is, right, wrong, or indifferent, willfully limiting his or her dating pool to a minority of the population, and thus will likely elicit a few eyerolls should he or she complain about being alone. Whether dating people you don't like for whatever reason is a "lie" or not- point is, it's your choice not to do so. That can be said, in varying degrees of significance, about anyone who has dating restrictions, from "I refuse to date anyone not female" right up to "I refuse to date anyone who's not female, 5'7", and brunette, with a masters in Communications and a dog named Mr. Sprinkles".

If you want to compare it to a lack of economic opportunity,
it's akin to a hypothetical poor person who complains about being poor,
while simultaneously refusing to do the majority of jobs that might be available.

Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 06 Feb 2012, 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If the majority of the jobs available are soul crushing, demeaning, underpaying, or otherwise undesirable*, I have no problem with them complaining about it. The fact that is the majority of the jobs available is the individuals problem in so far as society failed to prevent it from occurring.



*I'm reminded of the story from several years ago, a German lady who was on unemployment and thus was sent to apply for various jobs as condition for the stipend, was sent to apply at a Brothel.

I guess that gets into the nature of objectivity- fat isn't inherently unattractive, just as working a cash register isn't inherently "soul-crushing".
(I found the latter to be incredibly-stressful, but that doesn't change that my eventual decision to quit was exactly that...a decision, in accordance with my personal aversion to it.)

Of course, one can avoid going down that rabbit hole of what's objectively undesirable by admitting that
less than desirable dating/work/whatever options are still options that an individual can choose or refuse in accordance with preference.

Oh certainly, in fact I think that pure contrariness is what has lead us to this point. The whole rugged individualist-objectivist mindset that is so prevalent in the United States, and rapidly gaining in other parts of the anglo-sphere... people saying, I don't care that Ciggarettes are bad, *I* won't quit smoking. *I* won't quit stuffing my face. *I* won't exercise regularly. *I* won't pay taxes to make sure some one else gets healthcare.

Quickly we are turning into a nation of *I* Wont's at the same time as we are turning into a nation of Gimmes.

Personally the whole thing really makes me think the Indians had the right idea with their Caste System and arranged marriages.

I didn't mean to be contrary, if you were referring to me, I play devil's advocate too much, often. You make very astute points. ^