Aspergers & Love

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NT... AS... it is difficult no matter what your processing style to just tell someone what you want. What if they think it is stupid? What if they think you are a freak? What if what you say scares them to death? What if they don't like you because of it? Add to it the fact that she has the relationship experience of a 16-18 year old. The experience she did have... no matter how we all define it.. was not a safe, secure, loving experience. She will be fine. You will be fine. You have to realize that for most people in general what you two have right now is "too good to be true" It "can't" be real.... can it?? These relationships are once in a lifetime and even then only for a very few. It is scarry. I enjoy participating in your posts because I feel that I too have that once in a very rare lifetime relationship and it is so nice to see someone else there too.

I think the confusing part is that in an NT NT relationship this is the easy part. It is about attraction and emotion until the innitial high wears off some. This is such a better way to start a relationship and once you get to where you want to be things will be so easy for you. Keep in mind she is also learning about you right now too. You need to do your part and communicate what it is you want and how you want her to react. Not by pressure.. but more "when you are comfortable I would like XYZ but I am enjoying what we have now and can wait as long as it takes" etc.. What will blow your mind is when she shows you how she has listened to your needs just as you have listened to hers. I have never had an NT partner so in tune. In the past two months as I have changed my way of communication with my boyfriend there are times I have had to point out my emotional side. Letting him know that he has done nothing wrong and it has nothing to do with him it is just life and stress and this is how I process that. The last two nights we have had a lot going on and most of the "dealing with it" falls to me. He can do anything I ask him to I just have to tell him how to do it. But I still need to follow up and make sure he got it all. It can be stressful for him especially if he misses part of it. So for the most part I just do what needs to be done and sometimes that means juggling the needs of 4 people, sick pets, repairs to the house on top of daily "stuff." I get frustrated and overwhelmed.. not angry at all.. just that there are not enough hours in the day and it seems when there is one issue there are 20 all needing immdeiate attention. When I am upset he always says "I'm sorry" which before made me crazy because I felt he was just saying it with no idea why. My response was "what for?" in a tone that put him on the spot.. "you better know what you are sorry for" (before knowing he was Aspie) Night before last was just "one of those nights" It was like being in the middle of one disaster while another pulled my attention to it while yet another began. After everything was taken care of (I do great during the insanity it is after it all hits me) he came over and gave me a hug and said "I'm sorry" I asked him "what are you sorry for? You havn't done anything wrong. There is just a lot going on" I wasn't even really asking "what" he was sorry for and my tone was kind and I explained myself more clearly than I use to. For the first time I got an actual answer other than "I don't know" he said "I am sorry everything got out of hand. I want to help" WOW! So I talked out what had me overwhelmed. None of it was his fault or because I had to take it on it was just simply stressful stuff is all. Last night was similar with everything pulling me in opposite directions needing immediate attention. After he came in and didn't even say he was sorry. Just asked if there was anything he could do. Both nights he did something that I have told him in the process of our new communication that I needed. When I am overwhelmed I just need to talk it out. It doesn't even take long. I just need to say "this is frustrating me and this is why" usually the why is because what needs to be altered in a situation is something that I can not personally alter. Then I can let it go and be fine. If I keep it in I keep dwelling on it and the next stressful thing gets added to it and so on until I can't deal with it any more. Both nights... I dealt with the disasters, handeled the issues, made it all better, then he listened to the things that overwhelmed me and it was over. I sat down with him after and was as calm as if the chaos had never happened. He has learned my needs just as I have learned his. It may take the NT partner to organize everyones needs but the Aspie partner is far more in tune to us than they get credit for. When they don't have to process what we mean, what we want, how we want it and are simply told... I have no doubt they want to make us as happy as we want to make them.

I know she's monitoring my emotions because whenever I do a heavy sigh - she says "Hmm? What?" because she knows something is wrong. That's good. She isn't completely unempathic. She knows when to inquire when I sigh and wants to know what is wrong. She just needs to work on telling me how she feels and what she wants.

For example, we would lay in bed snuggling and I would start kissing her face ... she would move over or hide her face. To me, this suggests she doesn't want to be kissed. I inquire about it and that's not the case. She simply doesn't know why she does that. I ask her if she wants me to stop kissing her. She says "no". So, it's confusing. I honestly don't know what it means. She's fine when she initiates the kissing, but if I do ... it's more mechanical.

As for being organized and tidy, she's not either. She told me her room is a wreck and her parents try to get her to clean it. It takes weeks and she still hasn't finished. She loses things because she isn't organized. Her parents do her laundry. The funny thing is she cleans for a living, but can't bring herself to do it at home. I think I got my work cut out for me.

When she innitiates she knows what she is supposed to do. When you innitiate she has to think about what her role is. Should I be still and let him kiss me, am I supposed to kiss back? do we take turns? When is my turn? Am I supposed to stop him and take my turn? Am I supposed to wait until he is done then start? Or am I just supposed to let him kiss me and when he is done that is it? **Turns face... think think think.... ack!** A process we take for granted.

My boyfriend use to tell me "don't tell me what I am feeling/thinking... if you do I will assume I can not change your mind and I am not going to try" So instead I would say... When you turn your face like that I feel like you want me to stop kissing you. I don't understand what you mean by that, can you tell me?

Maybe in time... you can help her organize her room. I took 4 days to get our house completely organized while my boyfriend was gone. He has done a pretty good job of putting things in their place... at least 90% and the few things I have to take care of is ok because we have establised where they go so he doesn't get frustrated looking for them. He will even pick up some craft project of mine and put it where it belongs if I leave it out. Like I may work on a crochet project at night and set it on the end table later in the evening. If I forget to put it where it belongs the baby will get into it. Before he would just get frustrated that she was messing with it but didn't know what to do with it. Now he puts it up. If it is not where I left it I know where to look.

With her you may just have to verbalize what to you is obvious. It sometimes feels a little silly at first but then it becomes habit and you don't even notice you do it. It is especially important when you sigh or something like that. With an NT sometimes you may sigh and when the other person says "what's wrong" you say "nothing" meaning nothing worth talking about.. no big deal.. don't sweat it. You can't say that now. "nothing" actually has to come with an explanation.. "nothing, just tired, but I am fine"

We are not unempathic. We just can't read facial expression, body language and social cues. She does care. she just can't read you.
I bet everytime you give her a signal she understands means that somethign is wrong, she will practically come running to fix it and make you feel better.
That's what we are like. If you used a signal that she doesn't understand, she won't be able to tell.
If she's not getting it, then just use feeling statements (e.g. I feel confused right now). {make sure you keep all blame out of it - do not mention the word "you"}
You can use that technique to open conversations to get the point accross at the times when she can't read you. I know you must think: sad face: means I am sad. But she doesn't know what a sad face looks like or how to identify one instinctively, so you can't depend on obvious things - unless you use words to do so.

Re: the bolded part
I do that with someone new too.
Usually some combination of embarassment / enjoyment - but at the same time I don't know wtf I am supposed to do with my face or anything else, so it's easier to hide it in their shirt for a while. It passes and when it does, I will come back. It doesn't mean that she wants you to stop - she just doesn't know what to do.

Since we have NT's on this thread, I would like to ask a question.
It seems to me that NT's prefer to do or say something first, and then wait for their feelings to catch up.
e.g. They will kiss you on the first date and wait for their feelings to catch up, rather than waiting until they actually really like you, to kiss you.
And they seem to say "I love you" and wait for their feelings to catch up, rather than waiting until they are sure they are deeply in love before saying that.
What is with that? Is there a reason for it? And how the hell are you supposed to know when it is the real thing (as per the second half of the example) as opposed to simply the first, which seems to basically be a temperature test, indicator of interest, and reassurance, way to reassure themselves that you are intested the same amount that they are? It doesn't make sense to me. And I also can't tell now the difference, which happens to be an important one - between the first half and the second half - so how do you tell and what is the difference?

Kjas... Awesome as always!

Why do NT's kiss and say I love you before feeling it. It is not exactly like this but if I explain it like this it will make more sense to you. It is because the NT doesn't know they don't feel it lol. It is more of a combination of following patterns and sexual attraction. You meet someone and their appearance is appealing... Then you think they are pleasant to be around you want to hurry up (subconsciously) and get to the good stuff. So you kiss... If that goes well then you have sexual chemistry. It feels similar to love but it is based on physical attraction more than who the person really is. And who they are is not really paid much attention to. In our way of processing we are more emotional and less logical.

Does that answer your question at all? Note I am not asking if it makes sense lol

Answers the question definitely, although the amount of sense it makes is zero.
The second example was perhaps the more important one though... also probably the one I am more confused about.

Since coming to WP and learning more about logical thinking I realize the last 42 years of my life have not made sense lol. But I really am enjoying the new way of thinking and interestingly enough I get EXACTLY what I want /need

We had a intense makeout session. Totally rocked both our worlds. When she got home she wrote this:

I am so madly in love with you. Now I really know how it feels to really be in love. I would never be able to do this with anyone else. You mean the world to me. I never want to lose you. Now I know what real love is when I am with you. I got to experience that with you tonight. I really do know how to truly know what it means to have true love and I want to have that with you.

A perfect night.

Woke up and found this text from her waiting for me:

If I had to choose one thing that I want more in my life would be married to you. You make my life complete and thought I would never be able to complete it with anyone until we found each other. I wish I was there in your arms right now. Just wanted to say again that I had the best night of my life. Thanks for being my lover for me. I want to do it again tomorrow.

that sounds great.

however i have to suggest you slow down. if there's just one bad thing, its going to hit someone very hard. now that you guys are close, you should be working on stability, just a few relationship routines that you can depend on looking forward too.

good news is that rejection can only happen when one person asks for more from the other person than they are willing to give. and with how quickly things seemed to move forward, it might reach a point where someone is just not ready YET for the next thing. if the topic comes up discussing "whats next" you can reply with something like "im too happy right now to worry or need that yet"

i think its great that you guys can just say how you feel and know its the truth. i wish i could just tell a girl i liked her, without her getting mad that i didnt know how to show it properly. good luck!

She just wrote the sweetest thing:

"I can't wait till me make out like we did yesturday. I never felt alive like I did last night until I did it with you. I felt the passion when I was with you and I would never want to ever end the passion we had for each other and when we were doing it last night I felt true love with you. I have finally got one of the wishes that I have been hoping for my whole life. I just never talked about it with anyone that I wanted to find true love with the love of my life. I would love to be your wife one day. I want you for my whole self. No one else can have you. You have been taken by me. I am happy that you feel true love with me. I feel the same with you. I just can't stop talking about how I feel about you. I have never been able to do that with anyone not even my ex I was not able to get this passionet with him like I was with you last night. I would like for my parents to know one of these days how much I love you but not for now."

a guy has to be comfortable and content in his own skin, but girls do not

WHAT!! ! You have a lot of misconceptions about women.

since when do women need to be confident, comfortable and content?

We're still together and things are going great! Going on a big Christmas date next weekend to an Italian restaurant and treating her to a carriage ride that will take us around downtown to see all the pretty Christmas lights. It's a horse-drawn carriage and it's a 40 minute ride. Should be romantic.

Since guys started noticing that, circa 500 mya.

well insecurity hurts guys way more than it hurts girls