Picky and alone.

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nessa238
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19 Jan 2013, 9:16 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

So I've built up a list of advice and things to try, from all your wonderful contributions. Perhaps they will be useful to others in the same boat:

1. Don't rely on first date chemistry. If nothing went wrong (even if there was no "spark"), push yourself to see them at least once more, if not twice.
2. Don't trust "spark" as a strong indicator of a good match - it might just be their charisma which is not enough to go on.
3. Don't propose to Boo until he can at least spell your name correctly.
4. Try to focus more on avenues other than online dating.
5. Swap the "standard" and "fun" dates around. Go on a fun date first.
6. Be okay with limiting the first date to mostly small-talk - some people prefer to leave the deep conversations until later.
7. [Can someone fill this one in with how to become more excited about a follow-up date, thanks. This is the key ingredient I need!]

You can't force attraction - it's either there or it isn't in my opinion

Which basically makes my whole thread pointless. And that's fine, if it is the case. I'll just keep trying til I meet someone.

I'm just talking from my own experience. I have long had the impression that a lot of couples don't particularly fancy each other or know each other that well - they just want to be in a relationship and the other person ticks all their status boxes. So from that point of view deep mutual attraction isn't mandatory.

yellowtamarin
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19 Jan 2013, 9:18 pm

Stalk wrote:

common interests? what are you looking for? A clone of you? or someone that fills the gaps?

I'm looking for common minds, basically. Someone like-minded and physically attractive (to me).

(And who meets my list of other criteria which really does make me picky in the traditional sense, but I'm not budging on those. They tie in to "like-mindedness" anyway, and there are plenty of people who meet them. Anyone I date from online dating meets my criteria.)

yellowtamarin
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19 Jan 2013, 9:20 pm

nessa238 wrote:

Yes, exactly. That's exactly the sort of relationship I'm not willing to settle for, because I'm happier being single.

Who_Am_I
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19 Jan 2013, 10:47 pm

nessa238 wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

You can't force attraction - it's either there or it isn't in my opinion

In my experience, it isn't always there straight away- sometimes people grow on you as you get to know them (and sometimes people who seemed attractive become less so as you discover more about them).

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albeniz
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20 Jan 2013, 4:17 am

7. Concentrate less on the fact that you are looking for a partner and just have fun knowing semi-subconciously that every date, second or otherwise, brings you closer to your goal.

yellowtamarin
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20 Jan 2013, 4:42 am

albeniz wrote:

7. Concentrate less on the fact that you are looking for a partner and just have fun knowing semi-subconciously that every date, second or otherwise, brings you closer to your goal.

I do like that as a general guide, however I fear for me it might have the opposite effect. Because I already do have fun on dates. They are usually quite enjoyable and I like them for their own sake. But then I don't feel romantically interested, so it then feels like effort to see the same person again, as there will be more expectations with a second date (e.g. they might try to kiss me or ask how I feel about them). I suppose I can try to forget about those possible scenarios and treat it the same as the first date.

Stalk
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20 Jan 2013, 5:21 am

Have you ever been in a physical type relationship? Not trying to find out if you are gay. Trying to find out what attracts you. Seems like you find them physically attractive but it never goes to the physical stage in the dating arena. Do you make any appropriate physical contact during the date. E.g. touching or accidental brush of each others' arms or hands while walking... do you feel anything within that context ? Do you fear getting kissed? Or do you just stand there and let the guy do what he wants?

albeniz
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20 Jan 2013, 5:23 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

I don't feel romantically interested, so it then feels like effort to see the same person again, as there will be more expectations with a second date (e.g. they might try to kiss me or ask how I feel about them).

Unfortunately this is unavoidable if you are trying to see if someone grows on you with time; I can't see any way around it. If they ask you how you feel or try to kiss you, be honest and tell them you need more time but would like to continue seeing them. If they balk, their loss.

I think it is safe to say four dates or three even is sufficient to make a reasoanbly accurate conclusion regarding any romantic interest that will or won't develop.

hyperlexian
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20 Jan 2013, 6:44 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

I remember that thread, actually it looks like I was first to respond. Within reason, I think I'm quite open to changing things around in order to make it work with a partner. It depends what sort of things, though. E.g. my last partner was an extrovert who loved to socialise. For the relationship to work, I had to get out and hang out with his friends at bars and beaches etc. a lot more than I was comfortable with. It was too much of a dramatic change for me, but I'm okay with making that change on a smaller scale. I have pretty much learnt from that relationship that extroverts are not likely to be suitable for me. Would you say that's being too picky, or a valid conclusion? I found the whole relationship very draining and that was almost entirely due to his extroversion, not any other unique quality about him.

But with the above example, I wasn't to know that it would be like that. I was just attracted to the guy and keen to see him again after the first date. That's the part I'm struggling to find with most people. Whether I'm willing to change things around to fit a partner into my life doesn't really cross my mind of a first date, it's just about whether I'm attracted to them or not.

you may be getting bored of the dating process itself, rather like Boo lately. people may look good on paper, but dating could start to feel like a chore.

i have a solution for that, based on actual research i read in the book Quirkology. people who interacted or dated in a more dangerous environment were more likely to be attracted to each other right away. since you already preselect dates with people based on certain criteria, you know that they are good matches and that you'd like to be attracted them, so some trickery on yourself is not a terrible idea. so going bowling, going to the pub, etc, is.... sorta not too exciting. but going rock climbing, shooting at the firing range, riding the roller coaster, etc, is more likely to get you "feeling it".

another solution is to take risks in who you date, i,e, date someone that you think you should not be with (be more shallow one time and pick the hot man over the smart one, or go for a younger man, or go for someone your friends would not approve of). it gives you a feeling of, "oh hmmm i should not be doing this but i kinda sorta really want to..."

Quote:

The "sacrifices" you mention here, I'm really not sure that I consider those, like I said above. For me it's whether the "sacrifice" of trying to build a relationship with someone I'm not really attracted to is worth it. Maybe if I spent the time, stronger feelings would develop, etc., but perhaps it does seem like "too much trouble to be worth it" as you say.

yeah, that makes sense.

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albeniz
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20 Jan 2013, 6:54 am

hyperlexian wrote:

i have a solution for that, based on actual research i read in the book Quirkology. people who interacted or dated in a more dangerous environment were more likely to be attracted to each other right away. since you already preselect dates with people based on certain criteria, you know that they are good matches and that you'd like to be attracted them, so some trickery on yourself is not a terrible idea. so going bowling, going to the pub, etc, is.... sorta not too exciting. but going rock climbing, shooting at the firing range, riding the roller coaster, etc, is more likely to get you "feeling it".

That's a brilliant tip. I can absolutely confirm that this has helped me in the past.

Not so keen on the firing range date though....

yellowtamarin
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20 Jan 2013, 7:01 am

Ahh yes, the woman on the bridge study. Nice one. It ties in well with the tip I put in the list about swapping the first and second date styles around.

I like the other tip about dating a different type of person, except I feel like those days are behind me. Maybe I'll try it just to mix things up and get me more interested in general, rather than to find a partner.

Who wants to come bar hopping this weekend? :tongue:

Last edited by yellowtamarin on 20 Jan 2013, 7:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

yellowtamarin
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20 Jan 2013, 7:08 am

Stalk wrote:

None of that is a problem. It's just that if they try to kiss me and I'm not into it, it's awkward and a hassle. Same with if I get asked how I feel about them (on the spot). I'm a serial rejector but I still suck at it!

And those things are more likely to happen on the second date, because by going on it I'm suggesting that I'm still interested, when really I might be just giving them another chance.

TheygoMew
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20 Jan 2013, 7:14 am

You have every right to be picky. Think of how if you decided you just don't want to be alone and it drove you to meet someone who wasn't really good to you.

nessa238
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20 Jan 2013, 7:23 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

Stalk wrote:

I think you are probably a victim of having too much choice

If your options were narrowed down to the extent mine have been, I think you'd have been forced to develop strategies to deal with this.

As it is you have an endless stream of attractive people to choose from and no clear-cut strategy for choosing.

You seem very similar to Boo in this respect and I think there's a spark between you two so I suggest you date each other!

There - problem solved!