Moving in Together...........

Post Reply New Topic

Are you done with your armchair shrink role?

lol

No it's not. You're the ones who made this a thread about toilets. Thanks a lot for that, btw. I've never had this argument IRL. This thread is the first time it's ever come up for me.

My point is about being willing to respect your partner's feelings even if you don't understand them. Subjectivism at it's core.

Frankly, I think every Aspie struggling with self-aspect issues could benefit greatly from some moral relativist philosophy. I know I did.

But....the toilet is the most important room in the house!! Even more than the kitchen and bedroom, I mean you can eat cleanly without a kitchen and you can sleep well without a bedroom but you can't poop outside toilet without making a mess....


So the toilet thing is a very important to be covered and thought, you should be thankful.

It was actually CharityFunDay who mentioned toilet. I still don't understand why a toilet without a lid will save a lot of trouble.

Knowing when to shut up. And know that they are always right. The best way you can win is doing actions rather than words. Not saying to roll over and take it. But when you notice an argument that's going nowhere, start planning a different strategy. You find out a lot about a person by staying with them. This is a great step. Hope it works out. The most important things are cleaning and giving eachother space. Can't stress it enough.

You talk like your an Irish philosopher.

Not sure what that means.........

ism this ism that, ist here ist there, oop, these words are too complicated.

There was useful information on Kjas' post, for those who wish to learn it. There is no need to be so hostile, to be honest.

For the record, doing something or avoiding to do something to not hurt someone else's feelings is a perfectly valid reason, within reasonable limits. In reality some sort of compromise should be reaching by weighing the extent of those feelings (minor discomfort, annoyance, desperation) and the difficulty of implementing the changes which avoid those feelings.

On those grounds I can talk about the toilet lid thing. I personaly think it's a trifling matter, it could be either way, the one who needs it up puts it up and the one who needs it down puts it down. But if someone likes it down and is serious about it, well, why not? That person would probably have their reasons, and it takes just an extra second to put it down, so their seriousness weighs more than my effort (as long as they are aware and patient about how long it takes to me to create new habits) I've had to make some concessions here where I don't live alone, but they are minor and make everybody involved happier. If something bothers someone I don't need to know the reasons, knowing that it generates an emotional response on them is enough (although part of the compromise also lies on the other person, there are also ways to stop being bothered by something and they should try it as well)

Toilet seat not lid.

But, actually, both lid and seat should be down. That way, both get to do some exercise before use instead of just one party.

But it also means watch where you're sitting on before you go for it.

Also:

Important point. If I have to make all the compromises, and the other person doesn't have to, then it will not give me good feelings. Therefore, if my feelings are of any value, then the other person should also make some compromises.

Only fair, right?

I am not hostile, I just have very low tolerance to BS .

If the other person isn't willing to make concessions while you are, dump them. They aren't worth bothering with in the first place. You certainly shouldn't move in with them.

Your entire argument in this thread seems to be based on the premise that this is how it is most of the time. It's not. Actual healthy relationships aren't about one party getting a leg up over the other. They are about giving what we get back.

It belies a distrustful attitude when even relatively innocuose requests, like the toilet seat one, are interpretted as a play for dominance. If that's you're attitude, I'm not surprised you have trouble differentiating appeasment from being a doormat.

For the record. It seems like the toilet thing will never be an actual issue for us even if I slipped up occasionally. I mentioned this thread to her (and how it devolved into an 8 page argument about the toilet seat) and she started cracking up.

She's pretty much in aggreement with you about how stupid the issue is.
She's also in agreement with me that if it were bothering someone's roommate/partner that it's really not a big deal to make a minuscule adjustment one's behavior.

well, at least you've realised by now that whatever problems you two have living together, they will not be about whether the toilet seat stays up or down.

I am so sorry, can I just add one more thing about the toilet seat - I realised I never made this point?

This is really to Boo who seems to be preoccupied by the fact that women requesting toilet seat to be put back down after males have used it is some sort of dominance ploy - Boo, I would like you to consider it from a practical point of view. As a woman, in my own house, I never need to lift the toilet seat up to use the toilet. If a male friend/workman uses the toilet seat in my house, I will fully expect them to put it back down because:

When a guy lifts the toilet seat and takes a pee standing up there will inevitably be splashback on the underside of the toilet seat. Because I will not be wearing the rubber gloves the next time I want to use the toilet, if I touch the seat to put it back down, I will likely be touching someone else's pee. This is to my mind not acceptable. I don't really understand why you would think this is acceptable.

Now, when I clean the toilet, I will wear rubber gloves and therefore not be forced to touch someone's pee on the underside or (heaven forbid) topside of the toilet seat. I realise that most people are probably not germophobic but I am pretty sure that the convention for putting the toilet seat down really is down to the fact that otherwise the next woman to use the toilet will have to touch your pee. Which, again, is just not right.

Phew. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I am so sorry for the thread derailment.

^^^lol. Thread is already derailed, don't worry about.

Thanks for a clear, logical and concise explaination for the toilet seat issue. I'd imagine even MCalavera and Boo would have trouble finding fault in it.

Google searching terms you don't know is complicated? I mentioned these things out of hope that maybe if someone is curious they could learn more on thier own.

Understanding Subjectivism is a good concept for an Aspie to learn becouse it frames theory of the mind in such a way that it becomes much easier to understand the perspectives of others. There are numerous people I've conversed with on here who seem to feel that thier concepts of logic and morality should be taken as literal truth (and they use it as "proof" or "evidence".)

I'm pretty sure most people (regardless of neurology) have this issue. Most NTs can be completely oblivious to this and still function. The problem with being an Aspie is that if we want to be trully socially functioning we actually need to have self-awareness..........and that's a b***h, I know.