29 Jun 2014, 6:23 pm
OliveOilMom
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29 Jun 2014, 7:38 pm
vickygleitz wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
If I had any attraction to big muscular guy's I may be inclined to compliment them. Even if they're heterosexual, they'd probably take a compliment as a compliment, especially if it were about the build they've obviously worked very hard on.
You gotta be kidding me.
Yeah, that's...not usually how it goes. Especially if there are other guys around. But hey, run the experiment. Make sure the intent's obviously sexual, though, you know, that it's a pickup line.
That's part of your problem. You assume that every compliment you hear is sexual and that it's a pickup line.
Newsflash: There are nice people out there who might compliment your dress, or hair, or physical fitness, or some other observable aesthetic thing that's the only impression they have of you since you're a stranger to them who has no sexual interest in you. They're simply nice people paying others compliments when they see something they appreciate and feel someone deserves to hear a compliment. People saying nice things to you does not instantly equate to them wanting to get in your pants. Perhaps you think far too highly of your own sexual allure and this is where your attitude towards compliments from others comes from?
OMG, that explains so much. My daughter is beautiful and used to be a "fitness model." Even being that knockout gorgeous, guys did not actually "hit on her" unless she turned that "something" on. If she did not turn that on, she she still did receive many compliments on her appearance,but never ones that she never took as sexual advances.
Also, and to really bring up the issue of getting unwanted come on's, I've had my share and just deflected them or turned them down nicely. I was never offended. I'm straight and been asked out or hit on and even looked up and down lustily by lesbians before and wasn't offended, and that's so not my thing. I was happy that I was seen as attractive. It's only pissing me off when they won't take no for an answer, either sex, and thats when it's time to turn on "In Your Face b***h Mode" to them and run them off, guys or girls.
It seems that a lot of this debate is between camps who either hold the "I have a right not to feel upset/offended/disrespected" and those who hold the "Nobody has that right and you have to speak up to those who say it when you do". Sexism has now taken on the definition of "making a statement about women that some don't like" rather than discrimination or harrassment. It's become (in this debate) about punishing those who say something that a few women dislike and take to heart rather than confronting societal policy and views.
That's my issue, with this issue.
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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.
The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com
29 Jun 2014, 8:40 pm
goldfish21 wrote:
When I went to a bar I used to work at several months ago several of the staff and regular customers complimented me on looking good & being in shape. ...This was in what would generally be referred to as a "biker bar," in the ghetto full of tough guys, martial artists, drug dealers etc - and yet completely non-sexual compliments on a guy's build from other guys were completely normal, as I've observed there and elsewhere before. ... I can recall tons of times where well built kick boxers would show up and others would greet them, shake their hands, and say "looking good!" with a look up and down at their build, to which they'd get a "thanks, man!" because obviously the guy they're complimenting has been training pretty hard to be better built than he was already and looking as fit as he is.
So you were in a bar, which we've already established is an acceptable place to give and receive physical compliments. You were with talking with friends and acquaintances, not strangers. With the kick boxers, you were associating with members of a community who focus on the development of their bodies.
Quote:
Another setting this happens in is gyms. Guys compliment other guys on their builds/physiques/improvements/gains etc all the time. And not in a sexual or gay way. Just straight guys, or at least guys acting in a straight way vs. indicating any sort of homosexual interest, complimenting others on their bodies. It's probably more acceptable in that environment since everyone is there specifically to work on their bodies.
Yes to the bold part. Like the kick boxers, it's a community in which the members focus on the development of their bodies.Quote:
I hadn't been to a lounge where a friend of mine works for probably ~5 months or so. I was complimented by the owner several times over. He was like "whoa, Richard, what have you been up to? working out? you look ripped!" and said things like "I think you might have to take your shirt off," and then suggested I accompany him to the washroom and strip naked so he could have a look. 
At one point he came out from behind the bar and said he had to touch me.. and did lol, running his hands down my chest/torso. Yes, he's a gay man (but totally not my type at all, sexually.) & you'd have to know him, my friend, the other staff & regular customers there to realize that nothing he said or did was inappropriate in the least bit, it didn't make me uncomfortable, and I was very flattered by it. Obviously he knows me and the others there well enough to compliment someone like that and do as he did without fear that he's going to get a negative reaction
Yes to the bold part. A lounge is basically a bar, right? And these were friends and acquaintances again, not strangers. At one point he came out from behind the bar and said he had to touch me.. and did lol, running his hands down my chest/torso. Yes, he's a gay man (but totally not my type at all, sexually.) & you'd have to know him, my friend, the other staff & regular customers there to realize that nothing he said or did was inappropriate in the least bit, it didn't make me uncomfortable, and I was very flattered by it. Obviously he knows me and the others there well enough to compliment someone like that and do as he did without fear that he's going to get a negative reactionQuote:
- which brings me back to making sure you know it's an appropriate setting for a compliment and very forward statements like that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! When did you say that before? That's what we've been saying!! Did we finally agree on something?Quote:
So, no, I'm not kidding you. Guys do compliment other guys on their bodies and in general it's well received. I've actually never personally witnessed a guy compliment another guy on his build and then have the complimentee get upset about it or react negatively in any way.
Which is why it's time to hit the bookstores, grocery stores, hardware stores, guy mowing his lawn, etc. Places where people are going about their day and don't expect their peace to be interrupted by someone commenting on their body.
29 Jun 2014, 9:04 pm
29 Jun 2014, 9:09 pm
29 Jun 2014, 9:22 pm
29 Jun 2014, 9:34 pm
sly279 wrote:
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
But the best advice on "How can I initiate a date?" came from Ladywoofwoof way back on page 1, the 3rd post in the thread and shortly before "dating/life coach" RyanLewty sent us down this rabbithole.
Ladywoofwoof wrote:
Perhaps you could meet women (or at least a woman) who you're interested in, by joining an interest group locally ?
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
ok how do you ask to get to know them so you can ask them out?
Ah, something potentially productive. The best way is to attend meetings or events with a group of people who has similar interests as you. Yes, that's tough for many aspies, but you have to get out there and socialize if you want to do a socializing activity like dating. It's like you gotta swim before you can scuba dive. Make a list of your interests. Go online and see if there are any meetup groups or societies that cater to any of those interests. Attend a meeting or event. Gradually make friends with people. Even if there are no available women at the events, your new friends can introduce you to their other friends. If you feel up to it, volunteer to help with the group. Helping to tidy up after events is almost always very welcome! I met my husband while we were both volunteering for a dance society, so I highly endorse this method of meeting like minds.
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
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Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
29 Jun 2014, 10:54 pm
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
Quote:
- which brings me back to making sure you know it's an appropriate setting for a compliment and very forward statements like that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! When did you say that before? That's what we've been saying!! Did we finally agree on something?Quote:
So, no, I'm not kidding you. Guys do compliment other guys on their bodies and in general it's well received. I've actually never personally witnessed a guy compliment another guy on his build and then have the complimentee get upset about it or react negatively in any way.
Which is why it's time to hit the bookstores, grocery stores, hardware stores, guy mowing his lawn, etc. Places where people are going about their day and don't expect their peace to be interrupted by someone commenting on their body.All of those public places are also perfectly acceptable settings for compliments. As for more sexually forward comments like my friend suggesting I strip naked for him, there's a time and a place whether between friends or strangers. But basic compliments? The place & time is always here & now. If someone looks fantastic in a particular shirt and someone else wants to acknowledge them for that, I see no problem with them saying it. It shouldn't automatically be taken as a sexual advance. Some people just really need to learn how to accept a compliment and not assume the worst of people.
_________________
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.
30 Jun 2014, 1:57 am
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
sly279 wrote:
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
But the best advice on "How can I initiate a date?" came from Ladywoofwoof way back on page 1, the 3rd post in the thread and shortly before "dating/life coach" RyanLewty sent us down this rabbithole.
Ladywoofwoof wrote:
Perhaps you could meet women (or at least a woman) who you're interested in, by joining an interest group locally ?
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
ok how do you ask to get to know them so you can ask them out?
Ah, something potentially productive. The best way is to attend meetings or events with a group of people who has similar interests as you. Yes, that's tough for many aspies, but you have to get out there and socialize if you want to do a socializing activity like dating. It's like you gotta swim before you can scuba dive. Make a list of your interests. Go online and see if there are any meetup groups or societies that cater to any of those interests. Attend a meeting or event. Gradually make friends with people. Even if there are no available women at the events, your new friends can introduce you to their other friends. If you feel up to it, volunteer to help with the group. Helping to tidy up after events is almost always very welcome! I met my husband while we were both volunteering for a dance society, so I highly endorse this method of meeting like minds.
what if a person's interests don't have those?
none of my interest hobbies have meetings. its stuff you do with the current group you know. Also not exactly women interests as much it seems except for married or in relationship women.
if my interest was in music concerts I could see that working out but it is in activities that don't have meet ups or are closed small community meet ups.
30 Jun 2014, 8:46 am
30 Jun 2014, 9:07 am
sly279 wrote:
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
sly279 wrote:
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
But the best advice on "How can I initiate a date?" came from Ladywoofwoof way back on page 1, the 3rd post in the thread and shortly before "dating/life coach" RyanLewty sent us down this rabbithole.
Ladywoofwoof wrote:
Perhaps you could meet women (or at least a woman) who you're interested in, by joining an interest group locally ?
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
Really though, I think this part of things can be a problem for many people if they're not into picking up the opposite gender in a bar or else "pulling" in night clubs.
As far as asking people out goes, I think it would be fine to do a little bit of getting to know somebody first and then say something like "would you like to go and do X together, sometime ?"
It might help if it's something you've talked about during the "getting to know each other a little bit" stage, and found that you both like.
For example, if you both like fantasy films then if one is on at the cinema, you could say "I saw that [Fantasy Film] is on at the cinema this week. Would you be interested in going to see that together some time ?"
ok how do you ask to get to know them so you can ask them out?
Ah, something potentially productive. The best way is to attend meetings or events with a group of people who has similar interests as you. Yes, that's tough for many aspies, but you have to get out there and socialize if you want to do a socializing activity like dating. It's like you gotta swim before you can scuba dive. Make a list of your interests. Go online and see if there are any meetup groups or societies that cater to any of those interests. Attend a meeting or event. Gradually make friends with people. Even if there are no available women at the events, your new friends can introduce you to their other friends. If you feel up to it, volunteer to help with the group. Helping to tidy up after events is almost always very welcome! I met my husband while we were both volunteering for a dance society, so I highly endorse this method of meeting like minds.
what if a person's interests don't have those?
none of my interest hobbies have meetings. its stuff you do with the current group you know. Also not exactly women interests as much it seems except for married or in relationship women.
if my interest was in music concerts I could see that working out but it is in activities that don't have meet ups or are closed small community meet ups.
Then you're going to have to expand your interests. People do it all the time, and it's good for your brain to learn new skills.
Once you've done that, you can start talking with members of the new group you've found. Once you've talked about the group interest a little, you can ask them, "So when you're not doing [group interest], what do you like to do?" I was so happy when I figured out that phrase. It's not asking about someone's job, which is often a stressful/negative subject. It's not a yes/no question. It makes people think about things that make them happy and lets them talk about themselves. Don't say, "Oh, I was hoping you were going to say [my interest]." They would see that as a negative reaction to what makes them happy.
You'll get to know more about your new friends this way, and you'll eventually run into someone who shares some of your original interests.
goldfish21
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Age: 42
Gender: Male
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Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
30 Jun 2014, 11:54 am
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
Then there's absolutely nothing stopping you from complimenting the body or face of every large man you see. As RyanLewty suggested, say, "I just thought you looked handsome, so I wanted to say hello." Remember that we don't get to choose who interacts with us, so you don't get to weed out the scary guys. Chop chop. Get to it.
Except that, as I stated, I'm not attracted to large men. So why would I compliment them on their appearance as you suggest?
I could compliment them on their build for the sake of acknowledging the hard work that's gone into it, but I'm not about to fake being attracted to someone and tell them I think they're handsome when I don't. Your suggestion is ridiculous.
I don't get to choose who finds me attractive and compliments me, either, but I don't get all bent out of shape about it. My friend's boss complimented me several times the other night. I have no sexual interest in him. It was still nice to be complimented.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.30 Jun 2014, 12:15 pm
30 Jun 2014, 12:35 pm
30 Jun 2014, 12:38 pm
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
30 Jun 2014, 12:56 pm
FelisIndagatricis wrote:
And now we've come full circle back to page 2. You say that you wouldn't call someone "handsome" if you weren't sexually attracted to him. Likewise, we can expect that a man who says, "I just thought you looked beautiful, so I wanted to say hello," is expressing sexual attraction. I say that there is a time and a place for that, and that time and place is not in the middle of a bookstore aisle or any other non-mate-seeking place when I just want to go about my business without being confronted by someone who, by extension, expresses a desire to have sex with me. Most of the women on this thread agreed with that. Just because you don't understand our preference doesn't mean it's wrong.
1) Calling someone beautiful and saying hello indicates attraction, but it is far removed from the example of a drunken night club compliment of calling someone "SEXXXXYY"
2) EVERYWHERE is a potential mate seeking place. That's the nature of requiring two separate sexes to perpetuate the species. People meet their significant others in bookstores or grocery stores or on the train etc ALL THE TIME.
3) You're not being confronted by someone. You're being complimented. Learn the difference. Learn how to accept a compliment rather than assume everyone's a rapist.
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