Men asking before kissing on First Date (again this topic)

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You should say that with me:

Womeeeen...

Seriously, I don't think men would feel turned off if women ask them if they can kiss them on some date - men, in general, are either attracted to a woman or not, 1 or 0, and small silly things here and there wouldn't turn them off ; it's always women whom you hear them saying things like "oh this <silly thing> turns me off - I don't know why". And by silly things I mean things like.... him not being chivalrous enough, or not having perfect straight teeth or him having an habit of scratching his nose or having a weird laugh, or him asking for a kiss or him waiting too long to ask her out....etc.

^ I don't know about that. I have a feeling that a lot of men probably find it too desperate or forward if a woman asked him. And don't forget that a lot of men on here also have said that asking is the mood killer.

That´s why I think it´s better to ask.

I get that non-verbal cues can be hard for autistic people to read, but . . . the whole deal with physical intimacy is that you have a physical sympatico. If it is so absent that you have to question your partner as to whether a kiss is appropriate, you might as well just go home. The romance is that you don't have to ask.

So if "physical sympatico" is something that doesn't come naturally for someone (which I would guess is pretty common amongst autistics) , they should just give up on having intimate relationships and "go home" as you put it? That's not very helpful advice.

My advice would be to ignore androbot01's "advice"...

But that's the thing about physical sympatico; it does come naturally. I think in my whole life I've met four people who affected me this way. It shouldn't be taken for granted . . . some people never find someone to share physical intimacy with, which is too bad. My advice would actually be the opposite of what you suggest . . . I say get out there and meet people. The more people you meet, the more chance one of them will be somebody you connect with.

I want to make it clear that this is about kissing for the first time, not when you're in a relationship already.

And if you really have "physical sympatico", (not sure what it is myself, but) asking should not ruin the mood at all either, should it?

For me it is the feeling of being drawn to someone. Of just wanting to be near him. I've asked if I could hug a guy (he said yes). But I don't think there is a difinitive answer to this question. I do however feel that to vilify a non asking kisser is inappropriate.

I can safely say that it is mostly the asking ones that are being vilified in society.

And I wasn't even bashing the ones who don't. I was pointing out how I am in the minority in this matter.

I guess it would depend on how that "non-asker" is going about their "non-asking"...

How so?

Well there is this guy: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6272037.html#6272037

...who equates grabbing other people's bodies without permission to "normal animal behaviour"(not saying he necessarily engages in this type of behaviour himself--although one has to wonder--this is just an example of the kind of person/attitude I meant when I said it depends on the person's methods). Not asking could get someone into trouble, especially if you are someone who's not good at reading signals, and you're making advances on the wrong sort of person--the kind of person who's not going to take too kindly to it. This has always been my argument for asking. It doesn't matter how many women here or elsewhere are advocating for not asking because they aren't the ones at risk of getting into trouble if they make the wrong move. People are going to do whatever they're going to do, but you better be absolutely sure before about it beforehand.

I don't think MrGrumpy's comments are applicable to this thread. He is advocating assaulting people in the workplace, This is about dating.

People don't get assaulted while on dates? I only linked to it to shed light on the kinds of attitudes that exist out there regarding other people's bodies and consent. People like him go on dates too (somehow), I'm sure. (edit: you said people who don't ask shouldn't be vilified, and asked me what I meant when I said it would depend on the behaviour of the person who's not doing the asking--some mistakes are innocent, some are not)

If you're not 100% sure, it might be best to ask, that's all I'm saying. If someone is willing to call the whole thing off just because you asked if you could kiss them, then it probably wasn't meant to be and you'd be better off with someone more understanding (and less judgmental) about such things.

Last edited by Nights_Like_These on 26 Sep 2014, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, we all got our quirks. One of mine is that things external to the scenario I'm trying to focus on can affect the scenario. Like, a loud bang can distract me from focusing on my homework then it will take me a bit to get back "in the zone", someone telling me a story and adding something salient like "when I used to be a boy" is going to distract me from the story for a bit and I'll be thinking about the fact that they just revealed they have had a sex change, or having a romantic moment with someone and thinking about kissing them then having them ask permission just beforehand is going to distract me from the act of kissing that was about to occur, and I'm going to be thrown for a sec and not be in the mood for the kiss. The focus has changed from homework to loud bang, story to interesting side-note, kissing to answering a question.

In each of those situations I can return to the scenario I was focusing on, but momentarily the mood is ruined. That's the best I can explain it for me. Yes it's petty, but so are a heap of quirks that people have.

So you do view kissing without asking as assault then?