Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

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I would agree that fading is appropriate where you feel your life is in danger or you are at risk for abuse. If someone offends you, fine. If it's just a first date, who cares?

I've had to completely cut off all contact with someone before. She would literally hunt me down, especially if I was going out with another girl. I'd already broken up with her. So the last thing I said to her was that she was not to call me or approach me again...EVER.

But that isn't fading. Fades don't even give you THAT. I agree there is a time and place for it. It's wrong if there has been an ongoing committed relationship. If you have sex with someone, even if it's a first date, you shouldn't fade. Even if it's a one-off nsa thing, there needs to be some communication that we're moving on. If it doesn't go that deep, no, you're not entitled to anything.

Btw, you aren't entitled either way. Nobody is arguing that. I'm just saying if you pull the whole Norwegian Wood routine, don't be surprised when you find the charred remains of your house when you come home from work.

Nope - that is a totally different situation. Do you really, truly think that ghosting 1) some guy I've been on three dates with, wasn't dating exclusively and, frankly, barely know, is the same as ghosting 2) a husband/kids, with whom I have an exclusive relationship and legal obligations to?!

That *my* obligation to some random dude is the same as to a spouse?!

Hell. No.

You are seriously starting to scare me. Literally. Because you seem unable to differentiate between:

1) physical assault which is illegal

and

2) silence from a person you've called / texted / emailed who wants nothing to do with you, which is NOT illegal (rude, sure).

Also, this business of "ghosting aggravates the guy & can become a safety issue" for the girl?! WTF's up with that?!

It isn't illegal to not return calls/emails. No guy is ENTITLED to "opportunities to talk". It may be rude but it isn't a crime.

Getting ghosted IS getting dumped. By definition, a relationship requires two (2) people -- if the girl's gone, you're not in one.

Ghosting? sounds like a hack! Like on MMORPGS on an mmo i played there was a player banned for haxxing he was ghosting through walls and such heh!

I'm not sure anyone is disputing that. I don't think anyone really objects all that much if a committed relationship isn't involved. I don't think anyone objects if some irreparable faux pas has been committed. I don't think anyone objects if we're dealing with someone who has become dangerous.

My objection is when a person has had no reason to believe that the integrity of the relationship was ever in question. If someone I see regularly just vanishes without a trace, I'm probably calling the police to report a missing person. Otherwise, breaking up with someone by refusing to break up with them is maddening. Doesn't make it right, but it's a horrible thing to do to someone.


OK?I get that it's victim-blaming. Maybe it sucks if I refuse to let my daughter go to parties with booze, drugs and sex involved. Maybe it's victim-blaming to say I'm protecting her by not allowing her to go. So be it. I'm a victim-blamer. But I'd rather be a victim-blamer and keep my daughter from being abused by keeping her under lock and key until I can no longer do that legally.

No, you can't blame the victim for what the faded person does. They are responsible for their own actions. But whether or not the victim is to blame doesn't change the fact that abuse happened. Why not take measures to prevent that from happening in the first place? And yes, I expect the feminists to flame me on that one?and I don't care. Personal well-being is its own reward. It is an unwise thing to invite abuse by encouraging a bad situation.

Reversal: Sometimes fading is what it takes to PREVENT abuse. I have NO objections to that whatsoever.


I think we're past that. Nobody is disputing that no guy is ENTITLED to a second chance or an explanation. The relationship is clearly over. The right thing to do is to inform the other person as much.


But you haven't satisfactorily answered the key question here: How is the faded person supposed to know that? I repeat?I've been in a situation like that, and I was NOT being dumped. Giving up would have been the wrong move on my part.

Or certain RPGs when a deceased player feeds the rest of his team intel.

I think the term "ghosting" is inappropriate. I always heard it called "fading."

Nasty attitudes towards feminists / women much?

Your creepy threats ("tell a guy you're dumping him cuz otherwise it's YOUR fault of he stalks you!") and terrifyingly wrong-headed beliefs ("a girl who is drunk at a party DESERVES to be raped! It's HER fault!!") are, well, Neanderthal.

To answer your "key question": if the person you claim to be in a relationship with stops contacting you (& never contacts you again) you've been dumped.

Neanderthal? Not a chance. It's clearly modern human and neurotypical, not Neanderthal. Your knowledge of Neanderthal is severely outdated.

Nope. I'm quite sympathetic to feminists and women. I'm just saying that I value a person's well-being over her perceived "rights." If you are a legal citizen of majority age, I have no authority over you. It's less a nasty attitude towards feminists and more I simply don't care on that one issue!


Oh wow?a straw man attack AND an ad hominem attack! I'm on a roll today! Perhaps I should brag about this to the mods, I'm having such a great day...


No, you still have NOT answered my question. You just keep repeating the same stuff as though if you say it enough it makes it true. Hey, I can repeat myself, too, and I know this for a fact: I've had someone I cared for vanish without warning. She was taken against her will. I didn't hear from her for several days and had no way to know what happened to her at the time it happened. Are you saying I was dumped despite what the FACTS show?

Fading is NOT a breakup. It's just?nothing, hence why it's such a troublesome issue under certain circumstances.

Jjancee's attitude- Gamesmanship
Most of the rest- Sportsmanship.

Tried to link the wikipedia articles but it won't let me, any chance someone could so that the links are on the thread?

Have to say, Jjancee's attitude is making it a lot easier for me to consider being a complete c**t to every girl i ever get involved with from this point forward.

Maybe it's just the rules of the game and i never understood. Thanks for putting me right Jjancee. I'm going to be as hard hearted as you are from now on.

if you stoop to that level then they win. you have got to be better than that. btw, welcome to wp

Haha, nah, of course i wouldnt do it really. Or mostly anyway. I think i could ghost someone that thought ghosting was acceptable.

And hi.

glad you could join the party

I dunno, whadya think? We collectively fade or ghost Jjancee? Completely ignore any future posts that come in?

Dittos on stooping to that level. I've faded (in a non-romantic way) a WPer before, and it was a case of being harassed well beyond anything I've ever seen before, online or meatspace, to the point of being outright perverse. The only other time I even came close was someone who attacked my arguments by being grossly unreasonable, and by that I mean I had no idea it was possible for anyone, regardless of how immature, to be that unreasonable.

I've seen users like Jjancee come and go. I'm not afraid of 'em. They are redeemable. To draw my anger, you really, REALLY have to do something utterly, miserably horrid. And by that, I mean stuff that will pretty much get you instantly banned. I don't expect an apology or even an acknowledgment that I've been wronged. I'm satisfied when someone gets a clue and merely stops the behavior from continuing.

I think they are too scared of hurting your feelings or afraid of confrontations so they find it easier to avoid you. Pretend to always be busy, not be available, never be around. They are hoping you will move on and give up with them. My ex boyfriend did this to me and he said he had been busy so I thought he was busy and he was never around for me to break up with him in person. I wished I had done it when we saw Are We Done Yet? together or just drive to his work at night and break up with him right there and not care how it might make him feel since he wasn't answering his phone or answering my emails or IMs. But my mom told me he had moved on and I was single and I felt so relieved. All that stress and anxiety gone and wondering where he is and why he wasn't including me. I think it would have saved me all that time if he just told me he didn't want to be with me or talk to me and we were through. I am sure he got the hint I didn't want to be with him anymore when I stuck my profile on a dating site back online again. It would be a lot easier too if we could say over the phone "I want to break up with you and don't want to be with you anymore" but that is considered unacceptable and being a coward so I didn't do it that way. I also hear you don't do it online either, you do it in person. But I guess it was easier for him to ignore than seeing me again to cut off contact. I am sure I wouldn't have hurt his feelings if I did go see him at work just to cut off our relationship. In fact he may have felt relieved too.

Last edited by League_Girl on 03 Nov 2014, 11:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Then look at it from a statistical perspective:

- odds a girl you've been seeing breaks off all contact because she's been taken against her will & has no access to a phone/computer/other means of communication: infinitesimal (eg kidnapped women like Jaycee Dugard, women locked in dungeon in Cleveland for a decade, etc)
- odds a girl you've been seeing breaks off all contact with you cuz she wants nada to do with you: way higher