A tip for women who want to know who are their admirers.

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Yes that's exactly my point.

I'm not putting down guys that aren't happy with my method. If it comes along as that, then I'm sorry. It's not the intention. From my POV it looks like people are putting down my method, questioning if girls really were into it, and refusing to call it a relationship if there is no dating. In the past it has also been claimed that without sex it cannot be a relationship either. That comes out as kind of offensive to me.

The issue of what a girlfriend is is similar to the issue of what a relationship is. The only usable definition of both of these concepts must be that if somebody feel they are in a relationship, then they in fact are. To require a "talk of exclusiveness" simply excludes every interaction I've ever had with a girl as a relationship, and also my current marriage, which clearly must be wrong.

As for it being superior, I have no idea why it would come out as that. To me the method is the only one I can use to get into a relationship with a strong attachment. I've been in a "arranged" (similar to online dating, but it was before the Internet so we used newspaper ads) relationship, and for me it was only a friendship. I had none of the strong feelings I had to the high school or college crush. Knowing the difference between a (real) relationship and the (non-real according to some) relationships in school, I'm sure I will never again do it the "dating" way if I ever need to find a new partner. So, no, it's not superior, but to me it's essential to form meaningful relationships. Going by many neurodiverse people claiming they cannot love or fall in love, I'm certainly not alone here.

Last edited by rdos on 01 Oct 2015, 3:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

We are going in circles.

BORING.

Going in circles is fun. You should try it sometimes.

Well I don't think they were your girlfriends, but so what? You liked these eye-contact things and were satisfied with them, there is nothing wrong with that. I don't see the problem. There is also nothing wrong in wanting more than eye-contact.

Certainly it's way more fun than this debate.

Well, I didn't really care if they were girlfriends or not at the time. All I cared for was that they continued to reciprocate and that they were exclusive.



Of course not. Why would there be anything wrong with wanting more? I might have wanted more too, but I was content with what I got. I also couldn't meet them outside of school because I lived in the countryside so didn't meet them naturally in town. And I was too shy to dare to talk to them.

I don't think its meant that such methods wont work to initiate a potential relationship...just that at the stage where you are making fleeting eye contact, no real communication or spending time together itself isn't considered having a girlfriend.

I mean my first year of college there was a guy I kinda liked and we'd make eye contact...eventually talked a little but of course I decided to transfer somewhere else at the end of that year so we never dated, but had I stayed we very well may have. Point is though we never were boyfriend and girlfriend since we never advanced past the eye contact/talking to each other a couple times phase.

Well by any definition simply making eye contact and talking to a girl isn't the same thing as her being your girlfriend. I suppose on my end I am female and I certainly don't see a guy as my boyfriend if all we've done is look at each other and try to sit near each other so to me the idea said guy would see me as their 'girlfriend' is a little disturbing to me.

Also maybe some people mean something mores specific than I do when dating....all i really mean is spending time with the girl, not like setting up a fancy dinner date or stuff like that necessarily. I am not all that into conventional dates myself to me I consider it dating when me and a guy spend time together whether or not we actually go out somewhere. I admit I find it a bit hard to believe you went from eye contact/flirting directly to marriage....it didn't progress from eye contact and flirting to actually spending a significant amount of time together and getting to know each other(what I consider 'dating') before the marriage?

And you came off judgemental with the heavy criticism of anyone who has multiple attractions at once...as if its some act of betrayal not to exclusively be intrested in just one. Seemed like you were saying its wrong to interact with or date multiple females to decide on one you like just because you don't find that method helpful.

Back then I had no concept of girlfriend at all. I just did what was natural, and things advanced to a stage I was comfortable with.



That was basically what I did with the high school girl. We planned it so we could spend time together.



No. It progressed directly from flirting and dancing with each others to seeing each others regularly, and eventually getting engaged and married. There was no talk of being exclusive. There was no dating in the sense that we learned to know each others to decide if we wanted to be together or not. That was implicit already from the start. That's because for me the flirting phase has the same function as the dating phase has for other people. It's when I decide if I want to be with somebody or not. When this phase is done I'm heavily attached, so doing dating on top of that would be highly inappropriate and dysfunctional.



But others were equally judgemental in that it was not even possible to be exclusive right from the start. If it was possible, it was really bad, even awful way to behave. We all were supposed to date many people until we had that exclusive talk. I just informed people that I more or less work the reverse way. I'm exclusive up until I'm in a relationship, and then I can become polyamory (non-exclusive) if I like to. When I described how I had been tested for exclusivity, everybody complained about how awful that was. However, that is a functional way to check for compatibility in attachment style, whether people like it or not.

^I don't know that anyone was saying you can't be exclusive from the start....just that its uncommon and if you only see someone you're exclusive with in class for instance it may be hard to know for sure they are just as exclusive as you are, at least that is what I meant. Not saying its wrong to see it that way.....but for me I certainly need more clear communication to be sure someone is exclusive to me.

It is certainly strange you see exclusivity as something that just lasts till marriage...then its ok to pursue other girls to, but I guess that's polyamory. If you're married right now is she ok with you also pursuing other girls? or am I misunderstanding?

Not even that long. As soon as I perceive I'm in a relationship I'm no longer naturally exclusive. I can decide to be exclusive anyway, but then it is a decision and not natural. That's contrary to how it works when I have a crush in the "flirting" phase. Then I simply cannot become interested in somebody else without first getting rid of the crush. I'm not alone in this, and I've discussed this with several women that were unable to move on because of this. People that are like this must be really careful not to attach too much to potential partners when doing dating, as then they will be unable to move on if the other party looses interest and decides to move on.

Most people consider seeing other people after your already in a relationship to be cheating....so hopefully a women who gets with someone like you in this regard would also have to be ok with that and not see it as cheating in order for things to last.

Or do you mean once your in a relationship beyond initial flirting stages it bores you so you move on to a different women...or you stay with that one as well as see others?

I had no idea about polyamory back then, so I assumed I was monogamous, and stayed exclusive. Now we have talked about polyamory, and it appears we are both like that. Still, that doesn't mean we will actively pursue it, but at least there will be nothing wrong with flirting with other people. We both have done that.



The latter. Being truly polyamory means it is possible to add additional people / relationships without it affecting present attachments. That's what makes it different from cheating and moving on to somebody else. In essence, I can be in love with more than one girl at the same time, and that is a stable condition that won't lead to breaking up with one of them. Instead, breakups happens if we no longer can get along only.

dont have any

Well as long as shes on the same page, I see nothing wrong with that.