My girlfriend told me I am greedy and selfish, am I?

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For some reason, all my comments did not get posted after I quoted you, ironpony. Ugh.

I just now read through the entire thread from the beginning and this relationship really reads like a long slow train wreck leading to ruin. I think others have already said most of what I'm thinking, but my head is spinning so much after reading this I feel like I need to comment anyway.

There is one thing no one commented on though or if they did I might have overlooked it. That is when she said she might as well sell herself to get more money. Holy s**t, what?! !! !! !! !! That really speaks volumes about who she is and what she values. And I wonder if she said that because she actually has sold her body in the past or might even still be doing it.

It's really strange that she's borrowing money from ex's and there's no reason for them to be doing that unless she's still involved with them. I'm sorry this is harsh but the reality is people do not just loan ("loan"??) money to an ex especially when she's as irresponsible as they surely already know that she is. They know they are not getting that money back so what else are they getting out of it? There is something else going on here and when she let that comment slip about selling her body she may have been letting you know exactly what it is.

It's also incredibly manipulative of her to say something like that to you, like she's trying to lay a guilt trip on you that she has no other choice but to sell herself.

All the behavior you have described sounds to me like she does things to test you, to see how much money you will spend on her and then trying to guilt you to spend more. Like the thing in the grocery store, that was no accident that she didn't have enough money to pay for it. She does things like that on purpose to see if you will cover for her.

Sounds like she was brought up in a family that has money problems and enjoys living beyond their means. She's unlikely to change that and that aspect alone does not bode well for marriage.

If the problem was only that she wanted to be taken out for dinner for special occasions like an anniversary, or that her tastes are a bit more expensive than yours, it would be different. Maybe you could work that out. But there's something way deeper and more troubling going on here. And I think you feel it or you wouldn't be wondering about it all the time.

This isn't one small flaw she has that can be overlooked. She's not taking financial responsibility for herself, and if you stay with her, one way or another you're going to be the one taking that responsibility for her. Even if you don't marry her. Even if you do marry her with a prenup. Hey, even if you break up with her, sounds like she would still be coming to you for money.

I wouldn't even be considering marriage. I think financial ruin is really the least of what might go wrong here. Her behavior is very manipulative and almost sounds histrionic in the way that she blows up and makes scenes in front of other people. She tries to make you feel like other people will have a bad opinion of you if you don't do what she wants. Not only her family and friends but random store clerks.

I hate to say this and it might be wrong but it sounds like she could be mentally ill, like in a personality-disordered kind of way.

Thank you dianthus! The quote you just posted was the result of untold amounts of thought, effort, rejection, and painful life experience. I don't mean to sound over-dramatic; I believe i am being accurate. It took me years to figure this whole trust thing out, but it sheds light on many of my difficulties in relationships. I'm glad if it helps someone else. You made my day.

Okay thanks. Well I am kind of at a loss as to what to do now. We both love each other, but and I can she does by all the nice and considerate things she does for me, even when she doesn't have to. We have been very good without money problems for the past few months, and she said that she has changed for the better of the relationship.

The only thing is, is this just a reprieve or since it's going good will this likely not be a problem in the future therefore?

As for putting off the marriage. She says that she has spent three years with me, and I have to make a decision as to whether not we are getting married by Valentine's day.

So I can either take the leap of faith with the chance of happiness, or act on doubt (which according to the responders, is reasonable), and talk it out with her, or do something.

It should be obvious after two marriages that she isn't going to change for very long. So, you should base your decision on what she is, not what you want her to be.

Oh sorry. When I said two exes, I did not mean to imply she was married before, I meant ex boyfriends. She broke up with them though.

Oh sorry. When I said two exes, I did not mean to imply she was married before, I meant ex boyfriends. She broke up with them though.

Okay, thanks for the input. Based on what I said so far, do you think that saying you want a pre-nup signed, but one with arrangements you will both agree too, is out of line to ask?

It is very difficult to judge whether she is the selfish one or you.

There are lots of things to consider. That many things that it is close to impossible to give a good answer in a forum. At least you should give us the most basic information: how many birthdays she wants you to go to per year, how much you have spent in the last months on those birthday invitations, what are your respective incomes, maybe also on whether one of you could easily earn more money with spending less effort and time than the other, what other costs you have, if one of you supports his her family or friends etc. Many NTs, at least with some life experience, would get pretty quickly a grasp on the financial background of both of you and on the characteristics of a person, once they have met both of you, so ask an NT friend of yours for his opinion.

For the moment I can only make some general statements:
1. Some Aspergers can easily be stingy, as they are more egocentric, while other Aspergers give the shirt off their back - and sometimes even to people who are much better dressed than they are.
2. Birthdays might be more important for an NT partner or less autistic partner than for someone (who is more) on the spectrum. But if it is much more her friend than yours, or the birthday of one of her family members you dont feel particularly close to, you definitely neednt go together with her. Try to find a polite excuse for not being able to go, in order to not offend the person, and go only to the milestone birthdays and when you feel like it. Consider also her family tradition with birthdays (do really all people pop up all the time with their spouses and boy or girlfriends?), but this should only be a minor concern, after all you are having your own tradition.
3. There are unfortunately a lot of people who cant calculate.
4. There a lot of women who want their partners or the men courting them to pay an unfair share of common activities or for their expenditures.
5. Some Aspergers can more easily be hooked into spending more than they actually want, for example by people who make them believe that there conventions that are actually not as conventional as they say or believe.

Practically it might help to tell your girl-friend your exact income, ask her for hers, tell her about all your bigger budget items and roughly about how you spend the rest of your money or what you want to save some money for, declare that the courting-by-money is largely out-dated as most women in Western countries can earn as much or nearly as much as men do (at least in their pre-children days), why this concept has never been romantic and discuss the financial issue under the sole aspect of fairness.

BTW I am an NT woman, and you can quote me, should she bring up that it is your ASD that prevents you from understanding. As for me, I feel always very uncomfortable, if a man spends money on me, in particular if it is linked to some courtship. It feels often more or less like he is making an investment that has to pay off somehow, and that is odd. I try to avoid that, and even more so, if I know that he has a tighter or nearly as tight a budget than I have. Funnily, it is often those men with less money who are more generous and less calculating. On the other hand I appreciate a lot, if people help each other also financially, I find it important in a partnership to let the other participate in your own lifestyle if he wants and to give him the opportunity to make his own choices, and I want my partner to discuss money spending issues with me, when I am concerned more directly by a choice of his, so not for things like his car, his clothes or gifts to his friends, but for many other things, unless he is sure that we are more or less on the same line.

Okay then, thanks for the input everyone.

Well my girlfriend and I were making plans for Valentine's Day, and I was going to take her to dinner and a movie in the theater. She then asked if I was going to get her flowers too, and I said well I thought that dinner and a movie was enough of a Valentine's Day gift, is that okay?

She then snapped and really wanted the flowers, very disappointed. Was I being cheap when I said that? Flowers as well? Also I didn't know she had free tickets to the movie at the time, and thought I was paying for that as well? It is also one of those more expensive 3D showings, so that doesn't come with the ticket I don't think if I were to use them, but didn't know about them when she asked about the flowers. What do you think? Was I being cheap there?

I don't think you were being cheap. You had natrually assumed that you'd be paying for the tickets & she was being rude at snapping at you.