9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

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Thank you for this article. I've used it to both understand and assist my husband and daughter to understand their unique boundaries.

10+ to this post. I used to be resentful towards women until I really threw myself into learning social skills and seeking to deeply understand empathy. I had to look at hard truths about myself and become actively aware at the ways I creeped people out. For instance, I can maintain eye contact with people, but my stare can sometimes be too intense for others (some women liked it, they thought it was passionate). I had to learn to soothe my anxiety. And most of all, I had to PRACTICE the s**t out of approaching and conversing with women (and all people for that matter)! I viewed it like a trial-and-error experiment. I took note of the behaviors that worked and the ones that didn't. I didn't beat myself up when I was rejected, I just tried to learn from it. I came to the understanding that no matter how much "game" I learned or how good I flowed, some women just wouldn't be into me no matter what. I had to let go of the deeply narcissistic notion that all women should like me and want to have sex me. Sometimes I'm just not someone's "type" and that's ok. Eventually, things worked out, as I'm now married and have a beautiful 19-month-old daughter, who happens to show some autistic traits. The saga lives on.

Oh, and for those beating yourself up, realize this - there are plenty of women out there who WILL have sex with you. Believe or not women have sexual thoughts, impulses and desires, too. I had to pull my head out of my a** and pay attention to see it, rather than just assume the worst.

Perfectly written. Succinctly and coherently describes the scattered thoughts and feelings in my head.
Thank you for this.

Thank you for posting this article. I have had a few failures but hopefully after reading this article I can work my way around my weaknesses and find someone who will accept me.

I really thought I had already responded to this the other day, but it seems my comment never got posted.

Anyway, when you mentioned that the guys "don't deserve sex just for existing" and "don't have anything to offer", there is obviously a kind of hypocrisy to this. Many if not most girls are treated as though they DO deserve sex just for existing, so some of us guys feel it's only fair to be treated the same way. Yes, I know umpteen girls will say "I don't get sex just for existing", and I'm sure there are some, that's why I said "many if not most". I also know that the fact that it seems unfair won't change it.

What really needs to happen is to have better ways of pairing up autistic people. Autistic girls and guys seem to often socialize in different circles, and many autistic girls grow up being shielded from sex and male attention in general, which makes them harder to meet. Yes, I know that some autistic girls are like NT girls in that they actually appreciate this protection, that they have some kind of inherent fear or wariness about unwanted sexual and romantic attention. But there are some who don't (almost all women I've known/known about who are as frank and open about their desires as guys were on the spectrum), and if better opportunities for them to pair up were created, that would help the situation.

I also agree that emotionally getting along is more important than shared interests. I would disagree about the whole "needing someone to be patient" thing, though. That only reinforces the whole "desperate=bad" thing. And, from the example about the mental patients, it seems what you actually MEANT to convey was that we need someone accepting of difference/weirdness. Someone can be very desperate and eager and yet be very accepting of differences, yet someone who is very patient can still be narrow-minded and judgmental.

Informative tidbits. The date defensively part needs clarification. Also, do you read these comments?

Nope to reading comments.

She has already been paid for this click-bait s**t at our expense.

You really have the sure. I think if you put your condition on the top, you will have in a constant worry about how you will be. Personally, I think you've got to put your condition deeply in your consciousness, and at such times forget you have and focus more on people and their owns.

if that means hiding your diagnosis from your potential date,then that's what i plan to do

It's true that everybody is different, but it's a big mistake to think that there are no commonalities between neurodiverse / aspie people, because there are. Just like NTs share traits, so do NDs. That doesn't mean you should identify with an AS profile since the AS diagnosis is about problem behaviors only. Identifying as neurodiverse would be fine though.

I also think that the argument "what you have to offer", and the apparent tit-for-tat game that results from that does not belong in a discussion of ND dating. That's clearly part of NT behavior, so has no relevance here.

Wow thank you for this post
You describe it exactly what happens when trying to date a girl

I don't know you personally, but if you think a person should be ashamed of being Aspergian and they should rethink their existance, You have totally missed the entire point of this page and should recollect on why you are even on here.

It is tough for both sexes but for different reasons

A guy stuck in part-time or unemployed is devalued to the point of avoidance, rarely will ever get a second date. probably will pursue sex only because a relationship would be unlikely.

A woman more than likely isn't judged by her career, in fact the higher a career the less the dating prospects. where it can be rougher (i would think) is child bearing, dealing with the screaming motherly instinct. a father isn't expected to do much besides throw a ball or change a diaper.

Anyone else have an opinion on struggles?

I often wonder what it's like for a woman who has no motherly instincts to speak of. A woman who, even were she to give birth, would have about as much attachment to the baby that has just popped out of her as she would to a piece of waste she has just deposited in the toilet (possibly less, as the stress of a pregnancy would likely have made her so irritated, she would be like "good riddance").

What some of us don't think about is that in all the discussions of abortion and adoption (and I certainly don't mean to start a political debate about either of those things in this thread), there is a lot of support provided to women who feel sad/grief-stricken at having to give up a baby. But when you think about it, that could easily come across as an implication that pregnant women should feel somehow sad, guilty, or whatever about giving up a baby, or else they are bad people. To a woman who, due to neurodiverse brain wiring, lacks the capacity to feel this kind of attachment (and who would feel guilt solely due to social pressures), this could be a burden that I feel I as a male may only be able to imagine in a theoretical sense--a judgment that may possibly be as severe as the judgment of "unwanted" males when looking for a sexual outlet.

I once had this moment--I was undergoing a treatment for something chronic illness-related, and on occasion such treatments can change my brain chemistry enough to feel empathic sadness, something I rarely feel. Though such empathic sadness is still not directed at the kind of people NTs feel empathic sadness for, rather at people who are neurodiverse yet face things I ordinarily would not even consider. While on a walk around the neighborhood, I imagined a girl who had just given birth to an unwanted baby, and who almost couldn't get rid of it fast enough. I imagined the way that some people might react to her seeming lack of regret, to her desire to get on with her life and not deal with the responsibility of caring for a being that she didn't wish to create in the first place. Effectively, her pregnancy had been like a period of illness, that she was now "cured of". But some people would see her as giving up what is to them a great blessing, and would see her as some sort of monster. It was one of the very few times I've cried as an adult.

Basically, the woman would be judged as selfish for doing something that every other one of us wouldn't be judged that way for, just because she had been unlucky enough to have a body grow inside her (that, in itself, caused her lots of trouble). When we walk past a crying baby in a public place, we aren't judged as being horrible excuses for a human being just because we don't stop and feed/take care of that baby--yet a woman who gives birth (even if it was an unwanted pregnancy) may be judged that way. This doesn't mean that the person is totally uninterested in any other living thing--I mean we can stop to pet a cute dog on the side of the street but we're not expected to bring that dog home and take care of him/her. But women who give birth are treated differently (and those who abort are treated almost as poorly--if not, by members of certain religions--worse).

"Don’t define yourself by Asperger’s. Because if you do, you’re going to be an empty freaking hole that no one wants to talk to. Ever."

That's both mean and untrue. I am defined by my autism. That's what it is to have a neurological condition. It's an integral part of who I am. I am attracted to other people who are similarly defined. There is more relatedness.

I'm not trying to rope some normie into accepting me. I don't find their company stimulating or gratifying. I find it confusing and unsettling.

I go in and out of talking about my diagnosis on my profile. The main reason I stop is that I forget my singular purpose: to meet someone I'll connect with. The sad fact is that people I connect with are just hard to come by -- the sad fact is not that I need to fundamentally change who I am in order to find love. That isn't possible, and it's pretty fatalistic to think that compatibility doesn't exist for weirdos.

What inspired you to write this post? Do you speak from a platform of authority?

This article is very informative and useful to me, I am very lucky my husband is tolerant and supportive and very loving... He loves me for my quirks and actually he spotted my autistic tendencies even before I talked with him about it..

All my long term relationships before were very difficult, but now I can actually be myself with him, and yeah we have had difficult patches... but we learn together to compromise and grow together