Seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring

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Well, since we've gotten to the bottom of my fears---after 8 pages, no less---you got me thinking: what would be a good way to refute a blanket statement that my interests don't matter and only "feelings" do? That, and how do I get my friends to stop dragging their girlfriends everywhere, like a suitcase without handles? It's almost like they're following some unwritten rule, or they're doing it out of fear. Which only compounds my fears.

Suggestions? Anything at all?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 04 Mar 2016, 7:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

all I know, is that if I had a soulmate, I'd be happiest whenever I was near her, and it is reasonable to assume at least some of your GF'd friends may feel the same way about their GFs that they're "dragging around everywhere." nobody is really insisting that you feel likewise, for some folks feelings are just not where it's at and that is understandable. live and let live.
however, this old-timer must mention the fact that for at least some of us, growing old unaccompanied can be tough.

bill maher would agree that monogamy is boring.

IMHO that man still is a teenager inside his head.

I once had a significant other. While there were some places I liked bringing her, like a beach (she had a nice body) or a benefit concert (it's kind of a date event), when going there in a group, there were others where the last thing I wanted to do is bring her along. Like seeing a stereotypical guy movie or playing poker with friends. But if I didn't bring her, she complained and yelled at me how I "don't value her being my girlfriend". I begrudgingly brought her along places, unless something was truly "guy time", and when I did, felt on guard about her wanting to leave early almost every time. Needless to say, I felt more relieved than upset after breaking up with her.

I was with her roughly during the time between the two cruises I took. I just never talked about her on WP, because on some level, I was afraid of her. I feared that she might see my posts about her, recognize herself in them, and publish ALL my secrets on here all over the internet with my real name attached, just to punish me for writing about her. I was still afraid to do that for 3 years after the break-up, except for vague references to a "female friend". Until now, at least.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 04 Mar 2016, 8:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

some would say we all take turns in life being that "suitcase without handles."

Yeah, start by upgrading your picker.

Nothing you've been talking about describes either my current relationship nor any that I've had in the past. We're both independent types that can be in the same house, all evening, and exchange no more than ten words.
He'll be gaming, watching his fav programmes, on his laptop or similar and I'll be in another room doing the stuff i like. And sometimes we'll sit together. It varies.

We're not joined at the hip and not even semtex could make me go shopping for clothes/shoes/bags/or any other tedious thing you care to mention, forget my bf.
Nor has it ever occurred to me to make my bf set aside his interests in favour of mine. He's his own man and I love that about him. I respect him, ergo, i respect his individuality and his need for his own space.
i'm not so needy as to need validation by being an accessory, either. Which means when he decides to go off n see his friends, he just lets me know he's going. Off he goes and it has never crossed my mind to tag along.

It also helps that we like similar(ish) things so whilst not into clubs we do the gigs, comedy nights, theatre, or whatever it is that grabs us when in the mood.

When not in the mood and when my bf wants quiet time, or i'm feeling anti-social, we both go off n do our own thing. My friends, despite wanting to and pushing me, have never met my bf. Why? Because he didn't want to and what he wants, comes first.

I have an identity outside of my relationship. So does he. A relationship doesn't define us, it merely enhances who we already are.
If your friends are bringing along their women, maybe you can suggest a boys night as a regular thing where no girls are allowed? It's what i'd do. Failing that, get new friends that aren't pussy-whipped.

A LTR is what you make it. You're in the driving seat. If you don't even know how to pick em, have been burned because of it, then questioning the validity of LTRs seems illogical. At least, to me.

I really think the OPs problem is that he can't seem to conceptualise a healthy LTR and what that would entail, and that is what is causing his questioning of whether LTRs even have any value and why he is afraid of them. All the scenarious OP has described of what he imagines or what his past experience with relationships has taught him about relationships depict very unhealthy dynamics that wouldn't be present in a healthy power-balanced LTR. I think if he had ever had a healthy relationship in the past he might have a different opinion of LTRs and their potential value and what they might contribute positively to a person's life.

Whenever anyone comments and describes their own history with healthy LTRs and why they have found them fulfilling he doesn't even seem to be able to hear them or take in what they are saying. It's like his conviction that all LTRs must fundamentally be unhealthy and oppressive is acting like a set of blinders preventing him from even conceptualising that a healthy LTR could exist and what it might entail. He can only seem to take in stuff that reinforces his fears and prejudices about human intimacy and it's potential/danger.

Well, at least there are always sex workers. They've always been a thing and they always will be, so who needs intimacy anyway?

My first relationship was a train wreck. I had a late start in dating, at age 18, so it's understandable that I just took whatever came my way, despite her boring personality and homely looks. I felt more like a service worker than a boyfriend. And I'm still getting over the emotional abuse my last girlfriend put me through, although I'll give her credit for not being stingy with sex (which she used to sell me on the idea of a relationship), despite us being incompatible in that sense. One thing for sure: there's no way I'll see a therapist for that; I don't need some quack to gaslight me (convince me I'm insane) for $200 an hour. At least she did it for free.

I respect your beliefs, and I admire the idea of your relationship. But I can't wrap my mind around it, any more than Angela Merkel can see the danger of admitting so many refugees all at once. It just sounds far-fetched and fantasy-like. Especially after being told that I have to abandon all my interests for the sake of "the relationship". And seeing my friends taking giant gulps of the relationship Kool-Aid. All in all, I think my picker is plenty upgraded. Heck, it uses the same safety rating system as the US Homeland Security Advisory. So far, it hasn't failed me, although it doesn't work retroactively. Call it what you must, but it is what it is.

Are you the reincarnation of carlin cause if so please rent a stage in my town and ill attend the show.
Very pleasant read.

I'm not Carlin, but I would enjoy visiting Netherlands. I love old architecture. And with legal prostitution, my lifestyle involving escort sex would be very easy to maintain there. Heck, I'd probably be even less inclined to entertain the idea of a relationship in Netherlands than I would in the US.

I know if you have a girlfriend and don't ever bring them along whenever you go to hang out in a group...they can feel like you're embarrassed by them and don't want to be seen with them, or it seems like you're not willing to include them in anything. Also if you're having sex with them they might feel used when they get the impression you aren't interested in spending time with them and don't really like to casually hang out with them ever.

Seems maybe you just find being with and spending time with a woman your in a relationship with boring...thus its still possible relationships just aren't your thing.

Some of us just like to keep all aspects of our social live's separate, however.

I personally can be friends with a diverse range of people.

Some of my friends are complete opposites and so different they would both dislike/hate my other friends if any of them were to actually meet.

I prefer to keep all parts of my social life separated into neat little boxes.

I don't want my girlfriend either to meet most of my friends, because I feel she will judge me for who I am based on who I'm friends with - something sadly common.

Just like I don't want to meet my girlfriend's friends because: 1. I have no interest to. and 2. It's possible they as well might get a false impression of me and try to persuade my girlfriend I'm not the right guy for her.

I like everything to be one-on-one or as part of different groups.

What I mean is, I actually panic a little when two different friends or sets of friends actually meet, because I feel it's not going to go well.

And, I assume I'll even judged if two completely different friends meet and hate each other ("How could you be friends with such a X?")

This has made me come across as a bit too secretive and has made my relationships harder because they feel I don't open up or don't know me well enough.

I still might mention a friend here and there, but I see no reason why my girlfriend has to actually meet them. If she's very eager to, then of course she can.

Another thing you could potentially be judged for, is for having NO friends to introduce your girlfriend to. What does something like THAT say about you?

All my friends live in other cities, but I do see them in real life. It won't make a difference. If I had a girlfriend right now, she'd probably think something's up if I have no friends in the same city for her to meet.

I barely even see them myself, and she expects me to get HER to meet them? She'll probably just think I'm bluffing/creep/who knows what.

I'm aware that I have to bring her along wherever I go. It's my job as a boyfriend. This became problematic with my first girlfriend, who I was embarrassed to introduce to my friends. (She was kind of homely.) And as much as I wanted to include her into my activities, boredom was more her thing. Try a new restaurant? "No." Explore an art colony neighborhood 20 minutes away by bus? "Too far." Go on a boat ride on the river at night? "It's nice just sitting in the courtyard." The only reason I didn't dump her is that I thought no other girl will ever like me for at least 10 years. Hey, I already said this relationship was a train wreck.

Fast-forward to today. I was riding a train this past Saturday, and saw three couples together, having a happy, lively conversation. They all seemed pretty drunk, although they behaved themselves. As the train rode on, they ended up engaging everybody in the car in conversation, myself including. Everybody shared where they were headed. The couples were going to a rock concert, I was going to a speed dating event, and other people were going wherever. One woman among the couples even gave me some pointers on how to get a phone number. Somehow, I can NEVER imagine my girlfriend EVER doing something like that with me (riding a train to a concert while drunk). I just can't wrap my mind around that; it'd be like hearing Donald Trump praise Obamacare. Stupid as that sounds, it is what it is.

Bingo!

If you're girlfriend's a shy, quiet, homely introvert and you're friends with more lively and extraverted people, she won't be interested in hanging out with them, but won't want you to be going out having fun with them all the time and leaving her all alone at home.

It's a catch-22.

Yeah, just chilling at home with the GF is alright, but I'd still want to get out of the house and actually DO things, and if she isn't capable of doing that, well then she can stay at home.

My best friend, no matter how much I enjoy hanging out with him, I get bored stiff and drag him out to do something with me.

Those train people sound like my kinda crowd.

I would LOVE a "boring" GF