Still haven't found a girlfriend

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Smells like closed-minded hate to me. *yawn*

Guys its not nice that your arguing. And i will NEVER EVER go with a girl that has a boyfriend or is married. My dad cheated on my mum and i think its disgusting as well

Don't worry, I don't argue with unintelligent people and haters. I acquired a discursive writing style soon after joining WP and it's a habit I've struggled to break. There's a fine line between arguing to "win" and merely discussing one's viewpoint. I'm fully aware that I normally won't win converts, so I merely settle for explaining and fully fleshing out my ideas in hopes of making myself understood. Being wordy is an unfortunate byproduct of that. When I respond to haters the first time, I'm simply giving them the benefit of the doubt. Some people don't know how to communicate without coming across as trollish. They need people like me to be more understanding. That's why I bother responding at all. Once they reveal themselves for what they are by spewing hate, I just ignore them.

You can't worry about whether girls are in relationships or not because you don't KNOW whether they are or not. As a rule, always assume a girl is available unless she expressly indicates otherwise. Why? It's obvious. You feel anxiety about girls who might be "taken" or IAR. Not every girl is, and not every girl who appears with a guy is IAR. Therefore, assume she's available until told otherwise. This is a situation in which it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Wrt cheating--no, it's not a good thing. HOWEVER, it IS one of those outside-the-box, outside-the-lines, gray areas that isn't as cut and dry as you might think.

I think we aspies tend to feel strongly about it because we have enough trouble as it just getting IAR, much less staying in one. What we overlook is the fact that relationships are fluid and impermanent. Without exception. Because of that fact, some women who are IAR are more or less IAR than others. This is in stark contrast to the language we use about being IAR. It's my/our relationship. He/she is MY gf/bf. We use possessive language to indicate relationships when in reality we have no real ownership of them at all. It creates the illusion of actual possession, and it angers us when people try to take our things.

THAT is one place where relationships get tricky. To suggest that I could steal someone's gf is to imply that she could be owned by her bf. Reality is she belongs to herself, not her bf. She can give and take back and give away and take back again as she pleases. I cannot steal a girl. She has to give herself to me by her own free will.

Now think about it. If it's possible for me to lure and entice a girl to take herself back from her bf or cheat and give herself to me, did she really belong to her bf in any meaningful way? No. I'm not saying it's a good and honorable or socially commendable thing to do. I'm just saying that at any time this is something that could happen to any of us at any time. I can almost guarantee you'll have at least one gf dump you for another man. Slightly less likely is you'll have a girl dump her guy for you. The reality of relationships is seldom pretty. If you really want a gf to take home to your family, you need to prepare yourself for what happens, and that means the ugly stuff, too.

As for myself, I've been FWB, NSA, ONS with a girl whose fiance "came out" and she was sick of being a virgin (which my gf knew about and encouraged, btw), helped a girl escape a guy who might have killed her otherwise, three LTRs lasting over a year, the last of which is my marriage which has produced 3 children and no cheating. I've been cheated on, dumped, dumped for other guys, dumped because her friends didn't like me, dumped because my family's not rich, and one gf even dumped me just because she had her period. I'm NOT KIDDING!

That's not to say there haven't been problems. My wife is very beautiful and is kind to everyone. Beautiful women might as well have targets painted on them because she's been attacked by strangers and a close family friend once tried to take advantage of her while she was intoxicated at a party. Because of that, we almost never go out without both of us being seen together at all times. Another time we befriended a disabled guy who proceeded to steal hugs from her like they'd been lifelong friends, and I mean full-on body bear hugs that are never appropriate among casual friends, plus she was creeped out by the way he looked at our children. So I went from being this sort of nice guy to Lord Protector of the Realm, not because I'm a jealous, possessive jerk, but because my family deserves to feel safe.

Relationships seldom have defined boundaries, so if your gf wants that, you both have to agree to it and spell out just what those expectations are. If the relationship is healthy and I hit on your gf, she should tell me to p¡$$ @ff without hesitation. About the only relationship boundaries I have absolute, unequivocal respect for is marriage. The reason why is interfering in your run-of-the-mill bf/gf that may/may not actually be meaningful or stable might at worst result in a broken heart or two. Which sucks, but you move on and get over it. Getting involved in a permanent legal union ruins LIVES. That's where I draw a firm line. For the same reason, I absolutely WILL NOT get into a LTR with a divorced woman. Some people are ok with that, but a divorce record is a dealbreaker for me. I'm not going to be a part of people going back on their vows to each other, which is the most important reason. The other big reason is that while divorce effectively splits people up who don't get along, it doesn't solve the problem that led to the breakup in the first place. I can't be with a woman who has a proven record of running from her problems.

At the ground level of just dating, cheaters are seen as cowards. Which does adequately describe me when I was younger. I liked being in a relationship, but I hated how she treated me. So there were minor flings along the way. I began to change once this other girl I'd had some history with very suddenly faded me (see also "ghosting"). At that point I pretty much gave up on women and resigned myself to marry this girl and be miserable for the rest of my life. Who'd have me? When my fader unexpectedly reappeared, we met up and talked for several hours, got caught up, and I decided right then it was time to end the relationship.

The last two girls I cheated on: My best friend would never leave me alone, and I got desperate because it had become obvious my gf was losing interest and was going to dump me at any moment. The last time was when I moved away for school and my best friend and I tried to do a LDR. It failed. In that case, she knew what I was doing, and it wasn't like she wasn't indulging in the occasional ONS with other guys, either. Eventually my best friend and I grew up and decided to stop acting like stupid, horny teenagers. Well, to a point, anyway... We're still stupid, horny, teenaged newlyweds. We just decided to cut that kind of drama out of our lives.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with me or like me. I recognize where I went wrong in my love life and make no bones about it. There's a lot I'd take back if I could. But whatever you think of me, there's MUCH worse than me out there, and I've suffered a lot more pain and humiliation than I caused. I can count on one hand how many times I've ended a relationship. I've lost count of how many times girls dumped me. You need to understand if you're looking for a gf, this is the reality you are signing up for. Whether you leave the girl or she leaves you, all but your last relationship WILL end in a breakup. And the likelihood you'll stay with your first gf is extremely unlikely. And even if you DO stay with your first gf, it means rejecting every potential date/gf you MIGHT have had. I hate wasting time, so I respect people who are lucky enough to do that. But something like that might be an unnecessary, costly risk not worth taking (and you know I'm ok with taking risks).

Have fun and happy hunting out there, lol!

I have decided that next year i'm not going to put things back. 2016 so many bad things have happened, my grandad having a stroke and being in care home, my stepdad having his leg cut off, so many people dieing.

2017 is going to be the year i don't hold things back, i'm going to do not think and be in new adventures and new places.

Hopefully 2017 into 2018 i will find a gf.

Cheating is disgusting. Don't let perverts talk you into thinking it's some kind of "grey area".

If you agrew to be monogamous with someone and you sleep with another then it is cut and dry cheating. Cheating in this case is wrong because you are betraying someones trust and potentially putting your partners health in danger. If you want to sleep with others then break up with the person your with instead of cheating.

Are you perhaps suggesting cricket should not assume all girls are taken as it affects his confidence

I know what cheating is. Whether you interfere in someone else's relationship isn't necessarily black and white. But I agree, the right thing to do is break up with someone. If the relationship is abusive and you become convinced that you can't leave or will be worse off, it's more difficult to end it. But as soon as someone seemed interested, it was hard for me to resist cheating. What happened with me was that, ironically, I'd stopped cheating and made up my mind to marry her before I broke up with her just weeks away from the wedding.

And yes, I'm suggesting exactly that. He needs to get used to just talking about girls.

Don't get me wrong--if a girl says, "no, sorry. You're a sweet guy and all, but I'm IAR," then he has to decide whether he'll respect those boundaries. Most likely he will. I'm not suggesting he pursue someone IAR. I'm just saying that's something he should find out on his own by taking the initiative and talking to girls.

Sometimes for a guy it looks like all otherwise eligible girls are already taken. The consolation is that ALL relationships will without exception end...as much as I hate to think about it, this includes my own marriage (people either split or they die). So if every single girl you know is IAR, just be patient and wait. The younger people are, the more volatile the relationship. It's a societal thing--personally, I'm attracted to the idea of arranged marriages and the elimination of divorce, but whatever. Because of social pressures and the degree of dating freedom we have, young relationships are highly fluid. That means if a girl isn't single NOW, she likely will be soon. Don't automatically discount IAR girls because it's not that often a permanent thing. If intruding offends you, fine. I respect that. But no harm is done in waiting it out.

Most likely, if you do it right, you're going to find out her relationship status before you ask. You just need to get to know girls at first if you're new to dating or new to a particular dating scene or area. Any girl you talk to at length in a public, neutral setting WILL eventually disclose this important piece of information. If you go an hour or two and she doesn't mention it, she's probably single. What you can do is slip in a hidden assumption that she has a bf. For example: "You usually stay out here this long after work every day? Wow! How does your bf feel about you spending so much time away from him?" "Actually, I'm enjoying the single life right now! How about you?" That way you can find out what you want without being so obvious, pushy, or creepy.

Fair enough I understand your point of view. However if hypothetically a guy waited around for the relationship to end and it didn't he could be waiting around and missing out on opportunities

Agreed. I know this sounds bad, but I believe one should always keep options wide open. As unlikely as this is, if EVERY girl in your area is IAR, get to know them all and start meeting up with them as they come available. I don't believe in getting attached and emotionally involved. Just get to know as many MOOS as you can, stay in as regular contact as is appropriate, and be prepared to go out with a MOOS as the opportunity arises.

I had a good day today. I went to the cinema with my mate. I actually held a conversation with the lady at the cinema selling tickets and at the paper shop. I know they wont become future girlfriends but it is a good step in the right direction isn't it.

Indeed, the more interesting convos you can hold the higher the chances of success, provided you can make them think hard and engage them. Thought-provoking topics help!

YYYYYYYYYYEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

I don't think it's helpful putting a time limit or drawing a horizon so to speak, I know it is painful when you look at it in concrete terms but love is a strange thing and not to be yanked out from a packet or whatever, you're putting yourself out there which is a positive and wonderful thing, focus on being the best version of you to hopefully someday present to somebody who will appreciate the journey you've undertaken to get to that point, even if you don't meet someone special, you'll have a lot of good things flow on by, you're not 84, there's a long road ahead for you where love may lie amongst other things, time is on your side, heck some only start desiring a partner at 50.

ya but i bet you had to make the first move, be the initiator with your first girlfriend

The whole people putting age criteria on things is ridiculous. We're human beings. When it comes to relationships, for years I've said "I don't have a timeline or an expiry date." I mean, had a couple of dates with a girl when I was 17/18ish, I've had many hookups and some fwb's over the years, and friends of course.. but never really had a significant other, ever. I'm currently dating someone for what's really about the first time ever & it began on Halloween. We're not officially each others' "boyfriend" at this point, just dating, but still.. it's the first time I've ever really done this in my life and I'm 34. And I don't have a problem with it. I've never felt the need to be with someone just to be with someone, which is part of why I've turned down many who've wanted to date me - especially over the past couple years or so. It had to feel right in order to want to invest my time into it.

Blah blah blah all is not lost if you're still single at 21, 25, 30, whatever. You don't have an expiry date. Play your cards right (work on yourself, get in better shape, dress better, eat better, make more money etc) and over time you'll become more desirable vs. less. I've done it. It's hard work, but nothing worth doing is easy.

so first real girlfriend at age 34?