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Red flags in dating? Early stages

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TheSpectrum
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11 Jan 2017, 3:39 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He has his red flags; you have your red flags - why are you all attacking him?

He's not your boyfriend.


Here I am adding one:

Implying what others' red flags should be and shouldn't be is a red flag for me :p.

Thank you. Female members always attack the male members on at Wrongplanet.


That's because we feel like you guys don't understand the female perspective. It seems like you guys don't really know any women your own age and have no concept of how women really are with some of the things you come put with. Your references are older relatives and clichés from TV and movies and the clichés perpetuated in forums like this.

We're not specially aiming to attack, mire to defend ourselves because we feel like you guys would rather believe stereotypes that actually get to know real women.

I'm not a party animal, but I do enjoy meeting my female friends in public places where alcohol is served and none of us have turned to the dark side (whatever that may be).

I too would view it as a red flag if a man wouldn't let me go and meet up at a bar with my girlfriends. It seems excessively controlling.

Would you at least meet half way and see that going out once in a while with a girls group would be fun for her? Can you see that she's not going to hook up with guys, she's just spending time bonding with her mates?

I think we need to define "bar hopping". Is it just meeting mates once a week or every other week or more frequently?
If it was happening all too frequently I'd begin to wonder. A need to keep drinking away from a partner is a red flag to me. I'd never stop anyone going to see their friends. I do think however after a certain point the behaviour can become questionable. I know a girl wouldn't want me hanging out with my friends all the time or constantly coming home drunk having been to bars without her. In fact, I know that from experience.


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11 Jan 2017, 3:42 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
I wouldn't want a girlfriend going out to bars. Surely people could find nicer places to go out with friends?



There are some really nice bars. They are handy places to meet up with in a town. Usually in a nice central location that everyone can get to easily.

I was going to google some examples, but my internet is running slow today, so you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm not talking bars with bikers and pool or low lit nightclubs where you can't talk because the music is so loud btw.


Maybe, but I've got a huge paranoia about booze and bars in general. It's ingrained really, built up from years of living under mothers' iron-fisted rule of the family, and she was always vocal about her hatred for alcohol after father became an alcoholic.



MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 3:43 pm

nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.



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11 Jan 2017, 3:44 pm

Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

I know plenty of non wild young women, though you'd probably overlook us in a bar. We'd be the ones minding our own business and having a good laugh in the corner. We're not to flush with money, so we'll maybe only have one or 2 cocktails and no one will notice us because we don't get rowdy.

Hexen wrote:
Why are you not addressing the woman on this forum that agrees with me? Is she right, while I'm wrong even though we agree?


I have, further up ^^
Everyone is typing so fast it's hard to get a post in!



MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 3:46 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

I know plenty of non wild young women, though you'd probably overlook us in a bar. We'd be the ones minding our own business and having a good laugh in the corner. We're not to flush with money, so we'll maybe only have one or 2 cocktails and no one will notice us because we don't get rowdy.

Hexen wrote:
Why are you not addressing the woman on this forum that agrees with me? Is she right, while I'm wrong even though we agree?


I have, further up ^^
Everyone is typing so fast it's hard to get a post in!


This last sentence is spot on! 8)



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11 Jan 2017, 3:46 pm

Hexen wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.


I won't take public transit. I'm a princess who has her own Jeep. I expect my prince to have a decent vehicle too, thank you very much.


If only I hadn't sold my Ford Falcon. Now I'm a red flag.

Oh man, you should be ashamed!

I know but I live a short train ride from the city and I wanted to be able to save more money. I didn't get much for the sale but I saved a fortune in running costs. I need to save now and spend much later. Every dollar I save now is worth for dollars a few decades from now. So it's better for me to be frugal now and a big spender much later in life.


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nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 3:46 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
I wouldn't want a girlfriend going out to bars. Surely people could find nicer places to go out with friends?



There are some really nice bars. They are handy places to meet up with in a town. Usually in a nice central location that everyone can get to easily.

I was going to google some examples, but my internet is running slow today, so you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm not talking bars with bikers and pool or low lit nightclubs where you can't talk because the music is so loud btw.


If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


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hurtloam
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11 Jan 2017, 3:47 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
If it was happening all too frequently I'd begin to wonder. A need to keep drinking away from a partner is a red flag to me. I'd never stop anyone going to see their friends. I do think however after a certain point the behaviour can become questionable. I know a girl wouldn't want me hanging out with my friends all the time or constantly coming home drunk having been to bars without her. In fact, I know that from experience.


I would agree with that summary.



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11 Jan 2017, 3:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

I know plenty of non wild young women, though you'd probably overlook us in a bar. We'd be the ones minding our own business and having a good laugh in the corner. We're not to flush with money, so we'll maybe only have one or 2 cocktails and no one will notice us because we don't get rowdy.

Hexen wrote:
Why are you not addressing the woman on this forum that agrees with me? Is she right, while I'm wrong even though we agree?


I have, further up ^^
Everyone is typing so fast it's hard to get a post in!

So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right? Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?



nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 3:53 pm

MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.


Some of that is true. One of my Aspie guy friends once said "If someone wants to cheat, then they will." I also think that you can set yourself up (unknowingly) to cheat. It's kind of like the alcohol thing - if you're an alcoholic and you are around alcohol, then the chance of drinking goes up considerably. Same with men and women. You put a sad, unhappy, married women who just had a fight with her Hunny in a room with a bunch of male friends something is bound to happen - add a little alcohol to the mix and something is going to happen.


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11 Jan 2017, 3:54 pm

nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".



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11 Jan 2017, 3:55 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

Well anyone can do that.


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nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 3:56 pm

hurtloam wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".


I would love to go to a hotel bar where there is really good piano music (with my Hunny, of course) and dancing. That sounds like fun! I'd even drink a really strong Shirley Temple! :mrgreen:


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Last edited by nurseangela on 11 Jan 2017, 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 3:57 pm

Final clarification of reasons for my post:
- my intention was not to start a male or female bashing fest! There are tons of good guys and women and we all have our preferences. We're are different stages in our lives, have varying tolerances for example certain lifestyle choices (smoking drinking morning people coffee music blasters haha) etc
- My intention was simply to get educated. I keep finding that it's hard to recognize early signs of bad intentions in people. For example - and the thing that convinced me to ask - in the beginning things will seem great and then suddenly I'm being told what to do and how to think and that my attempts to voice an opinion are "cute" but always wrong and the same happens when I try to set boundaries.
Is it an AS thing that I can't recognize this kind of person and regardless of the previous answer, what are signs to look out for early in dating?



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11 Jan 2017, 3:59 pm

nurseangela wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".


I would love to go to a hotel bar where there is really good piano music (with my Hunny, of course) and dancing. That sounds like fun!


We have amazing lounge restaurant/bar places where they have jazz or other live music. It really is worth the 1% random drunk person irritation for the 99% amazing ambiance.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:00 pm

selflessness wrote:
Why can't we all just be nice to one another and not assume the worst??


There's an idea.


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