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there is not someone for everyone

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RetroGamer87
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18 Feb 2017, 9:32 am

There was someone for me and I blew it :|


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mpe
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18 Feb 2017, 11:58 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Truthfully, does anyone actually know any pensioner's that have never been in a relationship?

I can't think of any. So, you never know...

You mean old age pensioners? Maybe none of them live that long :skull:


Image


A problem with a lot of these studies is that they may not distinguish between the never married and the previously married. Thus they may not be measuring what they think they are measuring.



RetroGamer87
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18 Feb 2017, 8:24 pm

mpe wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Truthfully, does anyone actually know any pensioner's that have never been in a relationship?

I can't think of any. So, you never know...

You mean old age pensioners? Maybe none of them live that long :skull:


Image


A problem with a lot of these studies is that they may not distinguish between the never married and the previously married. Thus they may not be measuring what they think they are measuring.


Yes but recovering from a breakup or divorce may be just as bad as never having been in a relationship.

It is as bad to have loved and lost as it is never to have loved at all.


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auntblabby
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19 Feb 2017, 3:01 am

I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?



HelloSweetie
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19 Feb 2017, 3:33 am

auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.



auntblabby
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19 Feb 2017, 3:23 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?



RetroGamer87
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19 Feb 2017, 3:40 pm

auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?

It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


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Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 19 Feb 2017, 4:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

HelloSweetie
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19 Feb 2017, 3:51 pm

auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?


I think because most teachers themselves have trouble with these skills? As most parents. Most people I guess.
And imo people on the spectrum have a slight biopsychosocial disadvantage which requires even more patience, work and love from those teachers and parents.

As a mother on the spectrum with a child and a husband on the spectrum I can tell you it's the biggest challenge of my life.
If anyone likes to know more on the subject I highly recommend Brene Brown's TedTalks and books:
http://brenebrown.com



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19 Feb 2017, 3:54 pm

auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?


We had classes like that. It was called Personal and Social Development. Bearing in mind this was 20 years ago, I don't remember much about the classes, but I do remember one where we had sheets of A3 paper and we had to write out compliments and insults and discuss how they affected other people. Another class was on stereotypes and how men and women are perceived. Another one was about being proactive and what that means and how to set goals.



auntblabby
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19 Feb 2017, 3:57 pm

hurtloam wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wonder why good relationships have to be so hard to do and so rare to find?


Imo because they require very specific skills and daily practice most of us either don't have, do or have been taught: empathy, vulnerability, kindness, affection, authenticity, making space for the other person while keeping one's boundaries clear (self-care and awareness), appreciation and gratitude.

I wonder why they can't teach this important stuff in school somehow?


We had classes like that. It was called Personal and Social Development. Bearing in mind this was 20 years ago, I don't remember much about the classes, but I do remember one where we had sheets of A3 paper and we had to write out compliments and insults and discuss how they affected other people. Another class was on stereotypes and how men and women are perceived. Another one was about being proactive and what that means and how to set goals.

I suspect this is not commonly done on this side of the Atlantic, to our national detriment.



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19 Feb 2017, 3:59 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?

Personal hygiene is a fine self-care skill.
You might be one of the lucky ones that either was taught that or enjoy the biopsychosocial privilege to know how.

IME it is unfortunately not a given for all people on the spectrum. It is a spectrum after all.



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19 Feb 2017, 4:14 pm

I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.



RetroGamer87
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19 Feb 2017, 4:17 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?


As a hetero woman, her dating experience had been very different. Would you want a piano teacher who'd only ever played the violin?


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19 Feb 2017, 4:20 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I didn't learn the necessity of it until way too late.


As long as you live you can learn.



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19 Feb 2017, 4:23 pm

It would be great if a teacher would show everyone all the ways a girl throws hints that she is interested. And how reciprocation is done.



HelloSweetie
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19 Feb 2017, 4:35 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
HelloSweetie wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
It should be a part of sex-ed.


A few years ago I took a night class on dating for ASD men and they didn't teach any of that stuff HelloSweetie mentioned. Instead they "taught" insultingly obvious stuff like "have a shower and wash your hair before your date" :roll:

Not to sound sexist but I don't think the lady teaching that class had any experience dating as a man.


Not sure what it has to do with the teacher being a woman?


As a hetero woman, her dating experience had been very different. Would you want a piano teacher who'd only ever played the violin?


Not sure what you mean. You are a gay male?

Imo one can always learn from others. The gender of the teacher is imo irrelevant.

Being curious is getting one step closer to vulnerability.

Of course some people can have a more rigid take and see fault in everything that doesn't perfectly fit their expectations (often seen in ASD). What you describe can seem that way: because of the teacher's gender and your assumptions about her dating life (how do you know for sure she was heterosexual or even always female?) you dismiss the opportunity to learn?

Such rigidity and dismissal stand in the way of learning any of the skills above.
I know it did in my case.