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My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Sep 2017, 8:13 am

Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.



MushroomPrincess
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29 Sep 2017, 11:13 am

>Woman has AS partner who's blunt and unempathetic
>Asks AS forum for advice
>Replies are mostly blunt and unapathetic

Eeeeevery time.



cberg
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29 Sep 2017, 6:08 pm

To my eyes the vast threads full of these logical, blunt replies ARE everyone's way of empathizing. I think presence counts for a lot regardless of neurology.

To be fair we're also somewhat constrained by format online. The operative term there is 'mostly' - since we're all here discussing the root issues at hand, it seems to me there's more to read from subtext than just bluntness or indifference. If we didn't want to spend more time with loved ones how many of us would even be here?


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Benjamin the Donkey
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29 Sep 2017, 6:16 pm

Yes, AS people can be emotionally difficult. But so can NT people.


My wife, upset: "Can't you see I need a hug?!?"

I, exasperated: "No, I can't. If you need something, tell me!"


Repeated many times over the past 12 years. You'd think she'd eventually learn.


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Last edited by Benjamin the Donkey on 29 Sep 2017, 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Sep 2017, 6:44 pm

MushroomPrincess wrote:
>Woman has AS partner who's blunt and unempathetic
>Asks AS forum for advice
>Replies are mostly blunt and unapathetic

Eeeeevery time.


Do you need a hug darling?



Anngables
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29 Sep 2017, 6:58 pm

Boo . . .. you make me laugh



Chichikov
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29 Sep 2017, 7:54 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Do you have an ASD diagnosis?



sly279
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30 Sep 2017, 2:35 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Some of us guys want more then sex



sly279
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30 Sep 2017, 2:39 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Yes, AS people can be emotionally difficult. But so can NT people.


My wife, upset: "Can't you see I need a hug?!?"

I, exasperated: "No, I can't. If you need something, tell me!"


Repeated many times over the past 12 years. You'd think she'd eventually learn.

I like giving hugs. I usually ask if. Can hug(never been in a relationship does one not need to ask in a relationship?) i dont know if I’d tell besides if she was sad if a gf needed a hugs. But again i dont know that could be with never been in a relationship. Maybe I’d know i dont know. Wish I could have a relationship to find out. But it seems more logical aspies who dislike human touch and would rather be alone tend to get relationships while those who want it and like to be touched dont. Are women like cats? Cats go for humans who dislike them, while avoiding those who want to pet them.



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30 Sep 2017, 2:56 am

cberg wrote:
To my eyes the vast threads full of these logical, blunt replies ARE everyone's way of empathizing. I think presence counts for a lot regardless of neurology.

To be fair we're also somewhat constrained by format online. The operative term there is 'mostly' - since we're all here discussing the root issues at hand, it seems to me there's more to read from subtext than just bluntness or indifference. If we didn't want to spend more time with loved ones how many of us would even be here?


Plus a hundred!

Showing up is the most basic form of showing you care.

I will never in a million years understand my NT friends who keep assuming that someone who doesn't involve themselves at all, but makes all the appropriate noises, is somehow more caring and understanding than someone who tries to help but does it badly. Over time, some of my friends are coming around to my view, after experiencing difficulties in life and seeing what matters.

I used to have this friend who had a lot of problems. All her friends tried to help her. In the end she stopped contacting almost all her friends, and the only person she kept in contact with after that was someone who had never tried to help her with anything, and who genuinely does not care very much. It boggles the mind.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Sep 2017, 6:17 am

sly279 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Some of us guys want more then sex


FWB is more than just sex; the F stands for friendship.



Chichikov
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30 Sep 2017, 8:18 am

Chichikov wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Do you have an ASD diagnosis?

Re-quoting in case you missed the question.



Amity
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30 Sep 2017, 9:17 am

Chichikov wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Do you have an ASD diagnosis?

Re-quoting in case you missed the question.


How is that a relevant question here or in any discussion on WP?



Chronos
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30 Sep 2017, 10:40 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
B19 wrote:
I notice the gender OP imbalance in threads like this, typically NT women partners of AS men open these threads and arrive at WP for that reason. Yet very few NT men partnered with AS women come here to do that. There could be a whole range of reasons for this, though which explain this disparity best eludes me (so far.. )

Meantime, I found this interesting:
http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2017/ ... en-as.html


The male spouse parallel is NT men with wives who have borderline personality disorder.

As for NT men and women with AS, either a large number of women with AS don't get married, a large number of NT men don't find fault with their AS wife, or the relationships are failing, just not in a way that provokes the men to come searching for answers or advice online, or some combination of the above.

There is one difference between scenarios with the female NT spouse and the male spouse with AS, and the male NT spouse and the female spouse with BPD.

Female spouses of AS men often come online to ask those on the spectrum how to cope with or manage their husband while male spouses of BPD women come online to talk about their horrible experiences with their (current/ex) BPD spouse with other men who have (current/ex) wives with BPD, or give updates on their personal or marriage counseling.

I think this is very interesting because it's one situation in which men are engaging on the internet in ways that women typically do. Experience -> Moral support

While the women are engaging on the internet in ways that men typically do. Problem -> Solution.


Your last paragraph is wrong, and this thread is a live proof for it.


How so? The OP has a problem and wants a solution.



How so? How "how so?" Where did you even read that she asked for a solution?

Re-read the OP again.

No, she just wants 'support', like imhere and Anngables.

Did she say what's the problem? Did she ask for a solution?

She just asked for help and 'support' to 'lessen her pain'.

That's typically female.

You were clearly not following up with this thread.

I am going to quote hurtloam so you can understand what's going on:


Quote:
You guys (note: She means the NT females in this thread) need to ask us questions.

Don't try to impress us with what you already know. Don't tell us how you interoperate your aspie friends.

Don't expect us to respond with what you need to hear by telling us a story of what's been happening. We can't know what you want that way.

Ask some specific questions and we'll try to help.


The OP's problem is that she has an emotionally unsupportive spouse with AS, and has not been able to find a support group, and she was asking for the solution, if anyone could direct her to a support group.

Problem -> Solution



Quote:
Help- is there any support?? I have searched high and low for a support group to talk to others who are in a relationship with someone with Aspergers? Found this site, but unable to find local meet up or support group. Is there anyone out there that can help me lessen the pain I feel and the total lack of empathy from my partner, inability to have emotions, help help help


She's clearly seeking for an emotional support, to vent things, this is not a solution.

And we don't exactly what's the problem, like how he is unspportive emotionally? is he really incapable to not have emotions? How comes, is he human or a robot?

Emotional Support =/= Solution.

What she wants is a hug and patting on back and telling her how hard and difficult it is.


She is seeking emotional support to vent things, but not here. Here she articulated she was seeking a solution to a problem. Perhaps you are thinking more like an NT these days and so view it the way you do as a result of that.



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Oct 2017, 2:17 am

Chichikov wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Thanks guys. It's threads like these that remind me how awful it was being in relationships.

I really think a FWB arrangement is the way to go.



Yup, a FWB arrangement is the most headache-free and egalitarian form (almost though, not entirely) of relationship.

Do you have an ASD diagnosis?

Re-quoting in case you missed the question.



No I don't - why?



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01 Oct 2017, 3:43 am

I'm rejoining the thread on the side of the OP.

I've got a weird relationship with someone that's a bit like the experiences of the NT women.

I'm tough on these ladies here because I really do think he best thing is for me to not be involved in his life anymore. I don't have their patience.

But try as I might to cut him out. I will on occasion run into him and he seems as obsessed with me as he every was... but will not communicate with me.

The only person on this forum who has ever explained what's going on with this guy is rdos.

But that's not the kind of relationship I want. Rdos would say I should give in to this ND dating style, but it's been going on for several years and I want a conclusion so I walked away.

I don't get it. Part of me wants to understand, part of me wants to never see him again.

Is he an aspie? He's never told me. But he's not NT. He's more analytical that the average person. he likes to debate things and get into the nitty gritty of an issue rather than agree with the consensus.