AspieSingleDad wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
I understand why your Aspie friend doesn't text you
Why be that way? Wouldn't you want an NT friend to make an effort to understand you, and try to build a meaningful relationship? How can we know how difficult it is for her to understand the way we think? If we think hard enough, can we understand the way she thinks?
It's not like she's trying to stereotype us, she just has a friend who's Aspie and she's trying to maintain that relationship because she likes him as a friend. I honestly wish more NT people like that were posting here, we could learn from them.
The NT friends I have are the ones who realise I need to be left alone to recover/decompress/retain my sanity.
They don't try to force themselves into my awareness or keep making demands for attention.
They realise that contact has to be on a practical level, not an emotional one, otherwise I have no idea how to respond.
They realise how much socialising wears me out and will do thoughtful things like sitting beside me instead of across from me so I don't need to make constant eye contact.
They will text and ask how many mms of rain I had instead of how I am.
That is how they understand me.
What they don't do is tell me how not contacting them makes them feel unwanted and hurt, because that would make me feel like I have failed, and there's a high probability I will fail again and that would tend to make me withdraw from the friendship so as not to inflict harm.
Honestly, I would rather have no friends than know I constantly hurt them.
I think the friends I have are secure enough in themselves that they are not hurt by such things.
They tend to be confident and independent people, who don't rely on others to build up their self worth.
I can be relaxed around them because there's no judgement or undercurrent of resentment or pressure to be something I'm not.
In return I give them an extremely deep and loyal friendship.
One has even broken contact with other friends because she's realised how superficial some of those other 'friendships' are.
Really, all I've learnt from this thread is how NTs are hurt by us because we don't constantly bolster their egos, and I'm not the bolstering ego kind.
I could text someone every day and say, "How are you? I missed you so much!" but that would be a lie because I probably haven't missed them at all, because how can you miss someone who is still there and is a part of you, like your elbow is a part of you?
So would you rather be lied to or have a relationship based on truth?
And texting is the worst kind of communication because there's usually no other markers to go by but a few cryptic words, so I will stress myself out for hours wondering how to respond appropriately.
That's rather debilitating for me, so it goes both ways.
I really hope this is not taken the wrong way, as it is not meant in any negative way whatsoever. But pretty much everything said in this quote is so far off the mark of what we think, feel, and why we see things the way we do, and why we expect certain things from friendships. It has nothing at all to do with ego or anything else even remotely like that. I would only suggest something very simple. Given that Aspies have such a hard time understanding the NT viewpoint and world, and this really should not be taken as a criticism, it is just plainly part of the diagnosis, would you be willing to consider that your interpretation of how we are and how you are seeing us is likely incorrect? This is not even asking any aspie to adapt, or fully understand, or to do anything really, other than to recognize that you don't really get it. We don't get you either, but we recognize that we don't get you, that is why we are here.
03 Oct 2017, 8:06 pm
