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How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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cyberdad
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15 Sep 2024, 11:15 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
"Off the top of my head I can think of two different girls I dated briefly in high school before (late wife). In both cases they were attractive looking but ended up having so little upstairs, and they were so uninteresting to me that it wasn't worth even trying to sleep with them. Maybe some immature guys would continue to ride it out as long as they could but personally I found it ended up being unfulfilling to the point of being gross."


I willingly hung around a 10/10 attractive girl with an "empty attic" for two years straight knowing full well I was being friendzoned. Was it fulfilling? probably not. Was it gross? hardly, I spent literally hundreds of hours in the company of a beautiful woman. At that age I was in mindset of a gold prospector who was waiting to strike it rich!. Looking back it was good fun.



IsabellaLinton
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15 Sep 2024, 11:37 pm

It wasn't friend-zoning.
He was dating them casually, and attempting to find some kind of connection or chemistry.
It was gross because he knew he was just going through the motions.


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Carbonhalo
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15 Sep 2024, 11:47 pm

:|

IsabellaLinton wrote:
In response to those who think it takes five minutes, my partner said:


"Off the top of my head I can think of two different girls I dated briefly in high school before (late wife). In both cases they were attractive looking but ended up having so little upstairs, and they were so uninteresting to me that it wasn't worth even trying to sleep with them. Maybe some immature guys would continue to ride it out as long as they could but personally I found it ended up being unfulfilling to the point of being gross."


And he couldn't detect vacuity inside 5 minutes?
I can't think of any of the women I've slept with as being vacuous bar one, and I have no idea how I woke up next to her. Most of the women who picked me up did so because of what I said, not how I looked. I would have been content in a long term relationship with many of them.... But they didn't come back.

Ah... I see my mistake.
I never dated anyone in high school.
I started at Uni at 17



bee33
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15 Sep 2024, 11:54 pm

cyberdad wrote:
uncommondenominator wrote:
So! Any other thoughts on the topic at hand?


I believe once upon a time you and I used to be on the same page with our general approach and I recall I have been quite supportive of your posts historically. Interesting how things have changed.

Its also interesting this thread is in love and dating, but I think the OP is effectively saying that spontaneous decisions on whether somebody is a potential intimate partner is not appropriate and that people should become friends first and learn about each other over time so that each person can find out if they can take the next step and
a. move in together
b. joint bank accounts
c. get married
d. have kids
the dilemma according to the OP is how long does one take before they know this person "is the one" and that they are "right for you".

But Cyberdad's approach is that the process is actually the same whether you are seeking a friend or intimate partner. And here's where it get's even more interesting. My definition of a "friend" is very flexible. Probably more flexible than most "muggles". I give people a chance at the beginning. Even if they are contacts by association (in the same space as a larger "group" F2F or happen to regularly cross paths in shops or in virtual space (like WP) then I have no issue being "friendly" with anyone in those spaces. What changes is the degree of closeness.

In a friendship group there might be a group of people (lets say 5 males and 5 females). the level of closeness will vary between individuals in the group. For example the females might gravitate with each other to do shopping for clothes. the males might get together for playing football or video games. But everyone is in each other's space and there is no issue about personal space because we are all part of the group.
.
I haven't said any of these things. Can you point out where you think I said them?



IsabellaLinton
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15 Sep 2024, 11:55 pm

He didn't sleep with them or have longterm relations with them. He was a teenager. When he met them they seemed to have a few things in common and they were pretty so he asked them out as most guys would.

As he tried to get to know them by spending time with them he found them boring or uninteresting but they really liked him, so he hoped things would improve. Within a few weeks the girls wanted to get hot and heavy but he thought it would be gross to continue.

I assume most people would also stop.


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IsabellaLinton
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15 Sep 2024, 11:57 pm

Carbonhalo wrote:


Ah... I see my mistake.
I never dated anyone in high school.
I started at Uni at 17



In contrast, he only dated / shagged his wife and me.


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Carbonhalo
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16 Sep 2024, 12:08 am

Mind you...had any girls wanted to get hot and heavy with me on high school, I wouldn't have been able to resist.
Getting thrown in a new peer group with other smartarses did induce a novel verbal dynamic.
That's where I discovered my ability to charm with words, and being a two way process, it enables the 5 minute selection.



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 12:11 am

He's your age.
Funny how you have such different standards.


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Carbonhalo
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16 Sep 2024, 12:17 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
He's your age.
Funny how you have such different standards.


Not really... If there is a bell curve involved then the pointy end will be jammed up my clacker



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 12:19 am



https://youtube.com/shorts/S8JehnByn64? ... rX7D4AJehi


:lol:


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Carbonhalo
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16 Sep 2024, 12:21 am

That cracked me up.



cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 12:22 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
It wasn't friend-zoning.
He was dating them casually, and attempting to find some kind of connection or chemistry.
It was gross because he knew he was just going through the motions.


But that's what dating is...



cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 12:23 am

bee33 wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
uncommondenominator wrote:
So! Any other thoughts on the topic at hand?


I believe once upon a time you and I used to be on the same page with our general approach and I recall I have been quite supportive of your posts historically. Interesting how things have changed.

Its also interesting this thread is in love and dating, but I think the OP is effectively saying that spontaneous decisions on whether somebody is a potential intimate partner is not appropriate and that people should become friends first and learn about each other over time so that each person can find out if they can take the next step and
a. move in together
b. joint bank accounts
c. get married
d. have kids
the dilemma according to the OP is how long does one take before they know this person "is the one" and that they are "right for you".

But Cyberdad's approach is that the process is actually the same whether you are seeking a friend or intimate partner. And here's where it get's even more interesting. My definition of a "friend" is very flexible. Probably more flexible than most "muggles". I give people a chance at the beginning. Even if they are contacts by association (in the same space as a larger "group" F2F or happen to regularly cross paths in shops or in virtual space (like WP) then I have no issue being "friendly" with anyone in those spaces. What changes is the degree of closeness.

In a friendship group there might be a group of people (lets say 5 males and 5 females). the level of closeness will vary between individuals in the group. For example the females might gravitate with each other to do shopping for clothes. the males might get together for playing football or video games. But everyone is in each other's space and there is no issue about personal space because we are all part of the group.
.
I haven't said any of these things. Can you point out where you think I said them?


I was addressing UD not you.



bee33
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16 Sep 2024, 12:32 am

cyberdad wrote:
bee33 wrote:

I haven't said any of these things. Can you point out where you think I said them?


I was addressing UD not you.


Did you not say...
cyberdad wrote:
I think the OP is effectively saying that spontaneous decisions on whether somebody is a potential intimate partner is not appropriate and that people should become friends first and learn about each other over time so that each person can find out if they can take the next step and...


cyberdad wrote:
the dilemma according to the OP is how long does one take before they know this person "is the one" and that they are "right for you".



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 12:40 am

"Yeah, I don't know what to tell the guy. I thought the whole thing was these idiots were saying they knew within five minutes that someone was "right" for them. F*** that.


BS that the women who have slept with the carbon man have done so only on what he said rather than how he looked or acted. I think it's rare that you come across somebody man or woman that's dumb as a box of rocks from the start. Could someone seem interesting enough at first to intrigue you enough to decide to have sex with them? That's what hook ups are but I don't think most people think of hook ups as having even a remote possibility for the person to become someone you date or even want to marry. (Wife) and I, on our first date when to see _________ live and got close to f*****g on the balcony. I don't think anyone would have noticed but we went home (insert story) instead. We could have pulled it off at the gig but my point is, I knew in the first five minutes of meeting her at school she was smart and cool but I still waited to date her and to sleep with her. She was smart as hell about certain things and was going to (uni) to be a ________ and worked for __________ as her assistant.

How is it wrong to say that to want to f*** someone you have to be both mentally and physically stimulated or else think they're hot and a good match in personality? If you or (wife) looked like a female version of Quasimodo or was simply unattractive but were still yourselves I wouldn't want to. A person has to turn you the f**k on and that includes seeing and feeling them in addition to hearing and liking what they say when you get to know them. "


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cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 12:46 am

bee33 wrote:
Did you not say...
cyberdad wrote:
I think the OP is effectively saying that spontaneous decisions on whether somebody is a potential intimate partner is not appropriate and that people should become friends first and learn about each other over time so that each person can find out if they can take the next step and...


cyberdad wrote:
the dilemma according to the OP is how long does one take before they know this person "is the one" and that they are "right for you".


Ok but you agreed it takes > 5 min. Anyway, I suppose this applies to a few on the forum not just you.