How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)

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Vanity can be a manifestation, but it's not necessary and not even included on its own in the diagnostic criteria; there's been a long way since Narcissus to NPD. The term is thrown around very loosely these days and most people have little understanding of the condition.

5 out of 9 or these traits are required for a diagnosis:

- A grandiose logic of self-importance
- A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
- A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
- A desire for unwarranted admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally oppressive behaviour
- No form of empathy
- Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
- A display of egotistical and conceited behaviours or attitudes

https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/narcissistic-personality-disorder-dsm--5-301.81-(f60.81)

And DSM IV:

https://www.nyu.edu/gsas/dept/philo/courses/materials/Narc.Pers.DSM.pdf

Those who have it are also very hard to diagnose, as they never believe there's anything wrong with them, no matter what they do, it's always somebody else's fault.

Edit: NOT necessary

^
Suspecting you're one is basically proof you're not

This sums up the experience with my ex husband.

If only they would be so self-aware and honest, eh?

I've been suspecting for a while that my ex-fiance is a narcissist, but I'm not sure well she fits the criteria. When I look back and think about all the emotional abuse she put me through, I believe it fits with a lot of what I have learned about how narcissists abuse their victims.

She was often highly critical and controlling. I was often given grief if I did something she didn't approve of or if I didn't run it by her first. She would threaten to leave me whenever she didn't get her way on something. She would tell me that the other girls in her classes said I'm ugly and/or gross. And she slowly isolated me until my social circle consisted exclusively of her and her group of friends. At one point she got "offended" when a friend of mine made a joke, and at another she claimed someone was stalking her and didn't want me to spend time with him anymore.

One time we got into a wreck in her friend's car, and some of her relatives happened to come across us and helped out. My ex later claimed that her relatives heard me lie to the police about my age, and that one of them said she knew me from high school and I did drugs. She called the police and had them do a background check.

I didn't drink because I was Muslim, and she told me that she wouldn't drink either, even though I told her she still can drink if she wants to. Than one day we went to Wal-Mart with her friends, and she asked them to help her sneak alcohol by me, claiming I was being controlling and allowing her to drink.

Even when it came to intimacy, she always got me to do things for her (I'm trying not to be graphic) but never reciprocated. She often made excuses about not being comfortable or wanting to wait for marriage. My therapist told me that was part of control tactics.

Those are just some examples of how she treated me for over 2 years. Even before breaking up, she admitted to me that she had been manipulating me, but she made sure nobody else was around to hear it.

After I graduated from college, I went back to the country my family lives and taught English for a little bit. But it didn't work out because of visa complications and I had to return to the US prematurely with little money or nowhere to stay. The entire time I was overseas she pressured me to return and find a job in the US, but then she got angry at me for coming back. She broke up with me over the phone, calling me a bum and a loser and comparing to some deadbeat father she knew who was on drugs.

Oh, and after the breakup she told people things like: "He's Muslim. He was taught to treat women a certain way" and "He's a terrible person because he has autism."

The strange thing is she does not at all the kind of person whom you would think of as being a narcissist. She's not particularly attractive, and she has cerebral palsy and cannot stand or walk without assistance.

So I don't know if she fits the criteria for NPD, but I am certain the abuse was real.