Males with aspergers - STOP BEATING YOURSELVES UP!

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You have chosen to react to people being unaccepting by being nasty and bitter. That's understandable, but realise that they can't force you to react that way.

You'd be happier if you didn't react that way, whether or not you have a girlfriend.

You've told us all about your bad qualities, what are your good ones? Even if you can't think of any good qualities, you can develop them.

If you really are as ugly as you say, there's not much you can do about that (although many women aren't very interested in looks). But you could work on becoming reliable, loyal, or friendly, all of which most women find attractive, even if you aren't any of those things now.

Have you heard of self-fulfilling prophecies? The idea is if you think a certain thing is likely to happen, that will lead you to respond in a way that makes that thing actually happen. I think your "I'll never get a girlfriend" will end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don't decide to change something.

Dont go to the dark side Luke Skywalker

I don't believe I am being too hard on myself. As an Aspie, I tend to give blunt, honest analytical descriptions on just about anything, whether it be about myself or others.

At 41. I still can't maintain eye contact, comprehend the ins and outs of flirting, or even beware of sexual chemistry or when a woman is interested, thus leaving me still a virgin.

I know the score, even if some NTs write terrible letters to attract women, they at least know how to hit the right buttons of flattery to turn a woman's attraction their way.

I am curious on what percentage of non-disabled, straight, not in the Priesthood 40 and over NT men are still virgins as well?

Like Joe Friday, we are just stating the facts mam.

Prostitutes/sex workers are there for ugly losers with problems and issues. They accept your payment and will have sex with you without any emotional feelings or regret.

Cheap sex workers can be found on street corners. If you want a better looking lady at a higher price there are brothels/massage parlours/escorts available.

Don't talk about mine or anyone's disability when it comes to meeting other people. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through and you don't know how cruelly condesending people can be on those who don't get the little game NT's created. We are A LOT worse at it, no thanks to the people that knew how who turned down our friendships. Just being honest here.

+10 This week even a guy I know who is deeply involved with race discrimination, came down on neurodiverse with dislike. He's a racist too, so he doesn't really matter, but I initially gave him cred for being outspoken about discrimination of people.



By fact of being male, many courtesies given to women, are not forthcoming for men. Period

I've been looking out for aspie girls, but they are few and far between. Finding one in Auckland is slim, but I am warmed by the prevelence of AS genes in many of the women I see. My last serious girlfriend was autistic and I loved her as she loved me. That memory of love is evidence enough that something is out there for everyone

I don't beat myself up about it. I'm just slowly waiting, there's bound to be someone out there for me.

I've only just got to grips with friendship (after losing so many), so to people out there who have stable friendships count yourselves lucky and fortunate.

Relationships (in my eyes) would only complicate things for me, so I'm better off single at the moment.

That doesn't mean to say I don't want to experience one completely, just not yet.

I'm impartial to looks too. I don't want a 'trophy girlfriend' who has large breasts and a shaven vagina. I always look for the 'inner beauty' of people. Always.

There is a lot of talk of difficulties and weaknesses of AS as barriers and obstacles to forming a relationship or even getting a date.

I'm an NT female. I'm going to say this.

I found myself falling rather desperately in love with a possibly AS male. Before I even saw a picture of him.

I met him online through a game. And from that interaction, I found him to be charming and attentive. And in person, he was even more so. There many positive traits to AS as well. Honesty is one of them. The other is there was something in the way he looked at me that I found very appealing.

Granted this relationship fell apart. But I am not sorry for it. I am happy to maintain a wonderful friendship with him and I accept this friendship with an open heart.

So focus on the strengths of AS. It is just a matter of whether you can find the person who appreciates it or not. This is not your deficit. It is just a matter of synchronicity and maybe a pinch of serendipity.

I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

This is an amazing story and Im very happy for both of you but here´s the thing.
-You met this man online and you started getting to know him online. Most males with as dont have any trouble online but rather IRL when their awkward gestures/odd clothing/manners... make it seem like they dont deserve a chance.

-There is nothing wrong with online relationships but distance can be an issue. Not everyone can afford a $1000(price of a plane ticket last time the thought of meeting someone crossed my mind) flight let alone an stay on a foreign country. And those that can are quite wary about the whole thing, you are investing a lot in something that you are uncertain over wether it would work out and has been set for failure(most of this relationships have trouble with the frequency you meet each other...)

Well, the main issue I see with trying to replicate the relationship she had, on the part of an Aspie, is it really would require luck. The ratio of men to women online, while getting better, is uneven and there are far fewer females than males looking for relationships online. I always explain it to myself as "if I could walk into a bar, have my drinks paid for, and talk to potential partners, I wouldn't be motivated to seek out relationships online either." Add to that the stigma of meeting someone on the internet is really no better than meeting someone at a club or in a bar, and there is really nothing to motivate women to look there - not the way it does a man who often finds internet rejection much less painful.

But I love how her example highlights that Aspie traits can be seen as amazingly desirable, and there are people out there who value them if one is lucky enough to find those people - and not in a way that is settling or in someone just taking what they can get, but a way that values them highly as they are.

I know there are people out there like this, but I, myself, always very much appreciate the experience when I actually meet one. It doesn't tell you a one size fits all method of finding them, but it's always nice to know that they are out there.

It would require some sort of luck im not denying that but most girls with poor social skills that have had bad luck on the dating field(not neccesarely because of their looks) wind up looking at online dating as a last chance of hope and they have lowered their standards so the amount of luck required is less than if you tried to pick a female up on the street.

As for far fewer females than males I guess that it depends where you are looking. I mean if you are in a formula1 related forum your chances of meeting a female partner arent that high but I was browsing an incel forum the other day and the numbers were fairly similar and most members where on online dating sites. Nobody is telling you to pretend to like something you dont like but females outnumber males greatly on blogging about incel(Ive been reading quite a lot of blogs about this lately and its very seldomly i find one written by a male) so perhaps its a field that some as males that complain about being unnoticed feel identified with and could give a chance.


I explain this desperate female phenomenon as "if I saw that most of my gender was having their drinks paid for and was noticed by most males while I was still invisible and I was interested on males attention I´d make every effort I could to try to change things and this means giving something that´d normally be a no-no as online dating a go.

It is true we met online first. But we met in real life a couple of times. He stayed with me for over a week the most recent time. And still, I remained charmed by him. Because he was so kind, so gentle, and every time he looked at me, I melted to pieces. He held my hand in a way that no other man ever did. There was so much heartfelt feeling in it.

He seemed perfect. And really, in many ways he is. He has a barrier. I'm going to help break down that barrier. Not for me. That is a dead issue. But I believe he will make someone a wonderful boyfriend.

Was he a bit awkward in person? Yes, but it was disarmingly appealing to me. He had a Clark Kentish charm. Was he a bit socially awkward, not with me though but yes in a larger group. But that just meant, I had to draw him out a bit more. He karaoked!

I guess my point is that there are strengths in AS in a relationship too. They do exist and are highly appealing. Well, at least to me. I can't imagine that I'm unique.

I know that you met him, I read your thread(I just didnt have anything to contribute).
What I was trying to say is that males with as have trouble when making a first impression and his first impression was made at one of his "obsessions" so Im sure that he was an excellent player and also you wouldnt expect to find a macho male there, so the first impression which seems to be the hardest part was quite easier.
This can also happen irl, for example Ive noticed that I make a much better impression at uni than outside it because Im studying to become an it and most girls there dont expect to find a male that fits the norm and as the expectations are lower Im given a fairer chance(I know my skills and I know how and when to use them).

Just so you have an idea on one of the last times I was introduced to a female I kept quiet for about 20 minutes and then said something that could have been found offensive(it sounded nicer in my head and it was a joke but as we didnt know each other that well it came out wrong) elsewhere, this girl just laughed and said she was glad I was finally starting to talk to her, we´ve been friends for months. If this had happened elsewhere she would have run away as fast as she could(Ive seen it happen).

As for the meeting part, its usually quite simple.You give a chance to someone that is usually rejected by everyone(even friendships are hard to mantain) and this person will make sure that you are allways comfortable around them and that you are feeling special at all times.
Just so you have an idea a couple of months ago a female and I started to meet as friends(she needed someone to study with I had nothing else to do and we had some friends in common), when I realized that this girl was actually giving me a proper chance and not pretending to like me as a friend I started acting overly nice around her and made sure she was comfortable at all times.Now imagine what would happen if she had shown any interest in something more at some point.
Eventually it reached the point of going to univeristy when I didnt have classes just because she had asked me to(Im aware that I was being too pushy and I need to work on this kind of things before getting involved with someone)

As for the barrier thats exactly what Ive done on the past years probably due to being afraid of rejection. I had a major problem when I asked a friend out about 5 years ago, had too look for new friends etc, and since then Ive only seemed interested on girls that are: taken/out of my league/both/live too far. Im working on breaking it down and building some self steem and talking to some female members from here has been quite helpfull but I still need to work on a few things.

As for the chances of a relationship involving someone with as I´d suggest you do a bit of research on cassandra syndrome before getting involved with any aspie because its quite common and eventually most relationships reach that point and it´d be up to both of you to get it out of there.

I realize that my particular situation cannot be salvaged. But every situation is unique. I guess I am a bit of an optimist in this respect in that I believe that good things can happen to good people. That each situation is unique. I'll just leave it at that.

Unfortunately Assuming and Paranoia are the top problems with people with Aspergers, and know at some point NTs can not tolerate that stuff since it would be a warning of a mental stabablity issue is happening, and well the fact is it seems like people higher forms of Autism seem to have unexpected intrest and such.