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Is not having friends a turn off?

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Zinnel
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09 Apr 2012, 11:27 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
Quote:
they separated out the people who weren't open to making friends, and they found that those people suffered in some way from lacking friends. they should have been happy about it, but it adversely affected their university experience.


Fixed.

They never separated out the people who didn't want friends, merely those who closed themselves off to the opportunity.
That's the variable we were discussing.

Moreover, the "adverse affects" weren't ever illustrated as being resultant of a lack of friends directly, as opposed to living in an environment where one is expected to have friends, and made to feel like a weirdo if this isn't the case.

if a person wanted friends, they would not close themselves off from it.

they didn't mention anyone being made to feel like a weirdo for not having friends.


no, they didn't but thats usualy what happens to anyone who is put into a new situation and don't have anyone they're familiar with with them. Especialy introverts, most of the time they start filling like weirdos and find the situation uncomfortable


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hyperlexian
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09 Apr 2012, 11:27 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
What was the overall point, again? About why having *no* friends (I would think "not having friends", the thread topic, would mean zero)
is a turn-off?

i think the question was whether it is a turn-off or not.


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hyperlexian
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09 Apr 2012, 11:28 pm

Zinnel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
Quote:
they separated out the people who weren't open to making friends, and they found that those people suffered in some way from lacking friends. they should have been happy about it, but it adversely affected their university experience.


Fixed.

They never separated out the people who didn't want friends, merely those who closed themselves off to the opportunity.
That's the variable we were discussing.

Moreover, the "adverse affects" weren't ever illustrated as being resultant of a lack of friends directly, as opposed to living in an environment where one is expected to have friends, and made to feel like a weirdo if this isn't the case.

if a person wanted friends, they would not close themselves off from it.

they didn't mention anyone being made to feel like a weirdo for not having friends.


no, they didn't but thats usualy what happens to anyone who is put into a new situation and don't have anyone they're familiar with with them. Especialy introverts, most of the time they start filling like weirdos and find the situation uncomfortable

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


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ValentineWiggin
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09 Apr 2012, 11:37 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


We're talking in circles.

People who are not desirous of friendship
being made to feel like weirdos for being that way
...would benefit from something they don't desire?

That's like asexuals being told they just need a good f*cking. :lol:


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09 Apr 2012, 11:38 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
Quote:
they separated out the people who weren't open to making friends, and they found that those people suffered in some way from lacking friends. they should have been happy about it, but it adversely affected their university experience.


Fixed.

They never separated out the people who didn't want friends, merely those who closed themselves off to the opportunity.
That's the variable we were discussing.

Moreover, the "adverse affects" weren't ever illustrated as being resultant of a lack of friends directly, as opposed to living in an environment where one is expected to have friends, and made to feel like a weirdo if this isn't the case.

if a person wanted friends, they would not close themselves off from it.

they didn't mention anyone being made to feel like a weirdo for not having friends.


no, they didn't but thats usualy what happens to anyone who is put into a new situation and don't have anyone they're familiar with with them. Especialy introverts, most of the time they start filling like weirdos and find the situation uncomfortable

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


Yes but after awhile they would be able to adjust themselves and revert to isolation (which is where extreme introverts feel most comfortable).

I'm not denying that friends don't have benefits(and no FWBs are not my cup of tea) but the truth is the introverts ValentineWiggin is talking about have found those benefits else where.

What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.


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ValentineWiggin
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09 Apr 2012, 11:39 pm

Right. ^ I don't care about a partner's social skills, meself, so long as he's not flashing strangers.


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Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 09 Apr 2012, 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hyperlexian
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09 Apr 2012, 11:39 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


We're talking in circles.

People who are not desirous of friendship
being made to feel like weirdos for being that way
...would benefit from something they don't desire?

That's like asexuals being told they just need a good f*cking. :lol:

right, and it's my cue to say that vegetables are good for me even though i am not desirous of them.


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09 Apr 2012, 11:40 pm

Zinnel wrote:
What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.

it's not about the social skills to me - that part doesn't matter.


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ValentineWiggin
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09 Apr 2012, 11:42 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


We're talking in circles.

People who are not desirous of friendship
being made to feel like weirdos for being that way
...would benefit from something they don't desire?

That's like asexuals being told they just need a good f*cking. :lol:

right, and it's my cue to say that vegetables are good for me even though i am not desirous of them.


The point is that we're discussing people who, in your analogy, often have eaten vegetables.
Sometimes a lot. Sometimes one or two.
And they weren't good for them at all- they flat out had a different effect or none at all on them.
They are a statistical outlier.

Which is why the analogy fails.


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09 Apr 2012, 11:44 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:

and... having friends would help with that. if they choose not to have friends, then the feelings of discomfort are self-imposed. in fact... this shows how an introverted person could *benefit* from friendship.


We're talking in circles.

People who are not desirous of friendship
being made to feel like weirdos for being that way
...would benefit from something they don't desire?

That's like asexuals being told they just need a good f*cking. :lol:

right, and it's my cue to say that vegetables are good for me even though i am not desirous of them.


The point is that we're discussing people who, in your analogy, often have eaten vegetables.
Sometimes a lot. Sometimes one or two.
And they weren't good for them at all- they flat out had a different effect or none at all on them.
They are a statistical outlier.

Which is why the analogy fails.

not every person who isolates themselves has had bad experiences. you're drawing conclusions about other people.


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Zinnel
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09 Apr 2012, 11:44 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
Right. ^ I don't care about a partner's social skills, meself, so long as he's not flashing strangers.


but how else does one make friends..... :wink:


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Zinnel
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09 Apr 2012, 11:47 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.

it's not about the social skills to me - that part doesn't matter.


So what traits matter to you that you arn't seeing in someone who doesn't have friends(you did say it was a turn off to you right?)


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09 Apr 2012, 11:51 pm

Zinnel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.

it's not about the social skills to me - that part doesn't matter.


So what traits matter to you that you arn't seeing in someone who doesn't have friends(you did say it was a turn off to you right?)


Why is everyone gaining up on my WP mother.

I think she has all ready stated some ones socail skills doesn't matter to her meaing it isn't a turn off either what she is saying is it could be for other people.



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09 Apr 2012, 11:53 pm

Joker wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.

it's not about the social skills to me - that part doesn't matter.


So what traits matter to you that you arn't seeing in someone who doesn't have friends(you did say it was a turn off to you right?)


Why is everyone gaining up on my WP mother.

I think she has all ready stated some ones socail skills doesn't matter to her meaing it isn't a turn off either what she is saying is it could be for other people.


I not gaining up on her I'm just curious thats all :cat:
hyperlexian wrote:
yes, in my eyes it is absolutely a turn-off. i think that having at least one friend is a sign that a person has a healthy and well-balanced social life. if they can't maintain one friendship then i would suspect that they may have problems sustaining a romantic relationship.


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09 Apr 2012, 11:56 pm

Zinnel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
What I think the question is "is does not having friends show indesireable traits about a person" and honestly....yes. But thats if you mind those traits or not, if you don't care about someone elses social skills then you probably wouldn't care about whether or not they have friends.

it's not about the social skills to me - that part doesn't matter.


So what traits matter to you that you arn't seeing in someone who doesn't have friends(you did say it was a turn off to you right?)

i would question WHY they don't have friends. there could be many reasons (including choosing not to have friends), but i would consider a bunch of factors that may or may not apply to the person, like:

i don't believe a person can be fully healthy and well-balanced in their lives with absolutely no friends (including acquaintances from work, online friends, etc). if a person doesn't want ANY friends, then a romantic relationship would logically be unwanted as well... so if a person doesn't want regular friends but DOES want a romantic relationship... that seems off balance. like they would be ascribing a whole lot of power and necessity to one narrow kind of friend while excluding everyone else on the planet (except possibly family).

also... romantic relationships involve friendship. so if a person doesn't have friends then it signals to me that they could have issues with maintaining relationships.

and... i don't have the time and energy to be someone's *everything*. i am not hyper-social, so if they needed me to be their companion for every single social event or situation (or their only emotional support) it would be extremely draining.


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10 Apr 2012, 12:02 am

hyperlexian wrote:
i don't have the time and energy to be someone's *everything*. i am not hyper-social, so if they needed me to be their companion for every single social event or situation (or their only emotional support) it would be extremely draining.


This is all I wanted you to say, and its a valid point friends help break up the demands on your partner and less demands help a relationship feel less suffocating allowing it to be more enjoyable

....oh "I love it when a plan comes together 8) " muhahahaha


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