How can I initiate a date?

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What is so damned difficult about the concept of someone complimenting one's appearance? If they're a stranger to you, the ONLY thing they know about you is what you look like, and in general that's what initially attracts people to one another in the first place. You can't possibly actually expect a guy to walk up to you and say "I was just scanning your brain, and I learned that you have an interest in monarch butterflies. I like them, too. Are you interested in going for coffee and talking orange & black wings with me?" No. Not going to happen. Because the only thing a stranger knows about you is what you look like, hence the ice breakers of complimenting one's appearance if there's some attraction to them. MOST people would appreciate the compliment, even if they're happily married, but it seems that some of you are hell bent on being miserable or assuming that everyone who crosses your path is trying to rape you. That's just an absurd way to live. Get over yourselves. You're probably not as attractive as you think you are for one thing. Learn to accept a compliment for what it is, a compliment. And to respect the fact that the guy/girl/whoever had the courage to speak their mind and tell you they thought you looked nice. Say thank you and move on with your day if you're not interested in talking with them. OR go online and obsess about rape statistics and make yourself anxious and fearful of every little shadow cast by the sun.

Sure, all that's great when you're at some type of social event, and the purpose is to be....well.....social. Remember the bit about Aspies being anti-social and/or socially inept?

At best I'm anti-social, and at worst, I'm pure hermit. Being approached by strangers in public is as much about me not wanting to have interactions with people, ANY people, as it is about being a "vulnerable" woman approached by a strange man (I've rarely felt threatened by strange men, but it has happened enough times that my radar is always up).

If my job allowed it, I'd work from home so as not to have to deal with all the people and the political crap that goes along with almost any work setting. Under those circumstances, I might actually WANT to do some socializing on weekends. As it is, I'm 100% completely f*cking peopled out by the weekend, and when I go out to do my errands, I want to be left the f*ck alone.

FWIW, I'm just as dismayed when unknown women speak to me when I'm out running errands. I will always be polite, but it is still stressful to have to grit my teeth and do the social thing when I'm not prepared for it.

So, all I've been saying is, if you personally like compliments (or any type of interaction) from random strangers, fine, enjoy it. Just don't assume that every other person in the world should like exactly what you like, and be prepared to be rebuffed if you stumble across someone as introverted and socially inept as I am, and as many other Aspies (and non-Aspie introverts) are.

'Round these parts, sticking your nose in someone else's business is a shootin' offense.

ETA: Most people around here are the same way - we moved here to get away from the masses. So I'm used to a certain level of respect for my privacy, and someone walking up out of the blue and effectively saying "I've been ogling your body" somehow just doesn't feel like my privacy is being respected.

FINALLY you admit that it's you who is different, that it's due to your ASD traits that you don't know how to accept compliments/don't like them etc. Stop assuming that the rest of the world (mostly NT) operates like YOU do. Because they don't.

You should not have an expectation of privacy in public places. Again, compliments about aesthetics are typically relatively innocent. Sure, they may find you attractive, but that doesn't mean they're about to rape you.

Further, everyone notices others' bodies. It doesn't mean they're "ogling," them. In an instant when you pass someone on the sidewalk you'll notice whether you think they're attractive or not. Whether they're fit or fat or ____. It just happens, even though you weren't "ogling," them. Same goes for others who notice you. And if they compliment you, accept it graciously vs. assuming the worst about them.

Yep, this isn't just an ASD thing. Goldfish isn't willing to see that people can have different viewpoints than him and still be sane, so I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain to him anymore. He's intentionally ignoring the ways everyone has described that would be appropriate methods to flirt in stores. He's intentionally ignoring the fact that most women experience the world differently than a 6'2" 200 lb male gym patron does. He's intentionally ignoring the fact that while not all men are rapists/stalkers/killers, many are, and we can't psychically tell which is which. Ugh. Done

I'm 6'2" 200lbs & in shape, but I don't go to a gym.

You don't seem to want to accept the simple fact that the vast majority of men are not rapists. Period.

FYI the other night at the lounge I was also complimented by a heterosexual woman. I think she assumed I was straight, especially since she thought some other woman there was my girlfriend. She was with her boyfriend. We were chatting about some things. She complimented me by saying I was a genius. I laughed and said I wouldn't say that.. she went on to compliment me on my intelligence as well as said I looked happy and healthy and spiritual etc. She was concerned about her boyfriend being jealous, I could tell that, and asked for my phone number so she could talk to me further about some things later - so I gave it to her. I didn't mention that I was gay, but if I see her there again she'll figure it out or someone will tell her lol. At no point was I concerned that she wanted to rape me. Also, if her martial artist boyfriend had said anything to me about us talking it would have been pretty easy to explain that there was no sexual anything between us and our conversation was just that, a conversation. His body language when he car back from outside/washroom was a bit jealous/protective as he could tell we were wrapping up a conversation she didn't want him to hear. But yeah, she complimented me, and at no point did I feel like shouting rape, because they were just compliments.

how does someone do that?
My brain doesn't seem possible of randomly think of new interests.

Perhaps you should stop assuming that the rest of the world operates like YOU do. Until and unless you have asked every person in the world if they like receiving gratuitous compliments from strangers, you cannot be sure of it. You say the "everyone" you know is like you. The vast majority of people I know are like me.

Also, I don't hang out in bars or gyms, so I tend to stay away from scenes where such a premium is placed on physical attractiveness. My hangout venues tend to be places where what's inside counts for infinitely more than physical appearance. We shall agree to disagree.

My sister is visiting right now. I just asked her what she'd think of a guy complimenting her appearance in the grocery store. Her response was that she would say "Thank you!" and feel good about it. I gave her the brief rundown on this thread & essentially she agrees with me and thinks the anti-compliment crowd are out to lunch.

Speaking of which, I have lunch on the barbecue right now. Time to add a little bbq sauce & have some chicken. Om nom nom.

I just did a survey of the 15 people in my immediate work environment - 10 men, 5 women, ages ranging from early 30s to mid-60s. 100% of the women said they would be creeped out if a strange man came up to them in public (unless it was at a bar) and commented on their appearance. 100% of the men said they would NEVER walk up to an unknown woman and comment on her appearance. All looked aghast at the idea.

Note to self: Don't move to Vancouver. I don't want to live in place where people are apparently uniformly inconsiderate of other people's personal space.

I might start a conversation on the NYC subway. We might talk about how inefficient the MTA is or something. Believe it or not, I've had women start conversations with me on the subway.

If we establish a rapport, I might compliment her on what she is wearing. I've never had a woman look askance at me for that. Perhaps it's because we've established a rapport.

I never compliment women on their physical attributes in these situations.

If it were a bookstore or library, I wouldn't go up to a woman and start talking to her. She's usually pretty busy; she would probably find my starting a conversation intrusive. There are times when I don't feel like speaking to someone myself; other times, I wouldn't mind.

I don't go to bars, and I rarely went to them in the old days. I've never been the type to go up to a woman and start talking in these situations; it's because the music's usually too loud.

I can understand why a person would like to be left alone to his/her thoughts.

But I don't believe compliments are, in and of themselves, dangerous and a prelude to something sinister. The guy on the scaffold catcalling is not the guy who, after a rapport is established, compliments a lady on her mind, her ideas, or her clothing.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 01 Jul 2014, 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Anybody ever see the "Happy Days" episode where Richie Cunningham, seeking to "get a chick," bumps his shopping cart into a woman's shopping cart in a supermarket?

It's a satire on guys "picking up" strange women in places like these. When I think of this episode, I can't stop laughing.

Bingo. All we're saying is that the very first words you say to someone you don't know should not be about their appearance.

Seems strange that 15 people said they'd never compliment someone outside of a bar. Makes me wonder if they're all cowards who need alcohol to feel good enough about themselves to pay someone a compliment.

I was out late last night and stopped at a 24 hour convenience store. There was a sign on the door that said back in 10 minutes. So, I waited. While waiting some drunk guy and his girlfriend arrived. The guy walked around the corner and while he was gone his girlfriend said "you're cute," and smacked my ass. She definitely wasn't the classiest girl lol but it was still a compliment and I wasn't offended.

I know you absolutely don't get this, goldfish, but for anyone else still reading this thread, it has nothing to do with fear. It has everything to do with this little thing called "manners," which, in most human cultures, is how respect is expressed.

Proper manners would dictate that when someone pays you a respectful compliment, that you receive it graciously and thank them for being nice vs. get upset and assume they're trying to rape you.