Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

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I don't know how you came to that conclusion, because it doesn't follow logically from what I said. Nor is it true.



Straw man argument: you're misconstruing what I said.


No. No, it's not getting dumped. Dumping someone is when you tell them directly and expressly in words, "our relationship is over." Ghosting avoids that, therefore it doesn't count as dumping.

So?I'm just supposed to ASSUME that I've been dumped just because her life only MIGHT be in danger?

"Odds are?" won't tell me if that's really the case. Actual communication will. This actually happened to someone I care about, so "infinitesimal" doesn't quite cut it.

You're right, but think about the words you just said. They're scared of hurting someone elses feelings. But it's not actually the other peoples feelings that truly concern them. It's their own feelings. It's about being made to feel like they've hurt someone else, which affects their own self image of themselves.

They don't like to think of themselves as someone that would hurt someone else so they say they're doing it for you but they're doing it for themselves. It's almost like they purposefully cut reality off from the equation because they can't handle it.

Tbh, in a way, you do explain the reasons why i can't get offended by someone ghosting me though. It's because, however much it hurts me, ultimately, someone that ghosts someone else is a person that has a lot more emotional problems than i have. Even the ones that convince themselves that they're doing it from a position of strength, people like Jjancee, they're not strong, they're not in control, they have no control over the situation whatsoever. They don't do it because they're powerful, they do it because they're weak. Strength is being able to be fair. Gamesmanship comes from people that are actually struggling.

pity is more appropriate. No healthy well balanced human being acts like that, no healthy well balanced human being defends that kind of behaviour.

You are right we shouldn't care if we hurt them or not after dumping them. That is why it's not so uncommon for people to feel guilty to leave their partner fearing they may harm themselves or when they hear their ex partner killed themselves, the person blames themselves for their suicide. But I know it's not their fault if their partner does kill them self. That is why it's considered emotional blackmail when you threaten to kill yourself or harm yourself if your partner leaves you. It's playing with their feelings to make them feel guilty so they won't leave you and have them feel t will be their fault if you harm yourself. People just have to be strong and not let it affect them and just leave and not care what they do. The good response to them would be "So get help if you feel that way. I am not responsible for your actions and how you will handle the rejection. If it's so much that you feel like you will harm yourself or kill yourself, get help." That might defuse them, if not their feelings were genuine but you are still not at fault if they do harm themselves.

If I had broken up with my ex, it wouldn't be my responsibility for how he felt afterwards or if I made his depression worse so that was why I was relieved to hear he had moved on. I didn't have to face any of this. He may have been feeling the same way about me so he was avoiding it by doing the silent treatment. But I am sure none of us would have hurt feelings if we both had said "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore."

Sometimes our own feelings are our enemy.

Or the person doing the ghosting has better things to do than return calls to guys they never, ever wanna hear from again. The kind that threaten to HUNT YOU DOWN for an explanation, who don't get that the ghosting is the message!

a golden rule question- how would you like it if YOU were the one that was ghosted?

But you were so insistent that noone is ever entitled to a breakup in this thread. You kept arguing that to the death. So I thought I would ask a question. Amazing how you react and try and treat people like they are stupid when they ask you a question.

I do have some thoughts.

Some people don't take no for an answer they cling on to any kind of contact they can, even if it is negative. Often these people are in denial.

In this case ghosting is not only acceptable it is advisable.

There are also other life circumstances where ghosting is appropriate. People you barely know, when you have thing goign on your life that require you attention.

People who struggle with rejection they often struggle with it whether they are told outright, cryptically, or with ghosting. If they don't accept it that is in their head. Other people's complexes aren't the responsibility of every object of their desire. It is take time an attention, it is not selfless, so they shouldn't expect a selfless response.

Well, I don't consider not getting asked on a, say, 4th date by a guy I had fun on 3 dates to be ghosting. Kind of a bummer, sure, but no biggie.


I consider ghosting to be disappearing on someone you've had a long relationship/friendship with and it sucks. Hurts like hell. I got ghosted by a couple of girls who'd been my closes friends since kindergarten.... in hindsight, we'd drifted apart over the course of 5-6 years when I lived overseas (and hadn't really noticed since I rarely went to my hometown). Seven or eight years later, one got in touch and the other reached out through mutual friends & I wasn't interested in resuming contact. I run into both girls every so often at a party or wedding, say "hi X, so nice to see you" and then go talk to someone I actually like.

The closest I've come to ghosting someone is when my longtime friend J basically stood me up in Rome -- he'd moved there, invited me to visit, sorted plans for what we'd be doing six months ahead of time (flights, hotels, etc) & texted me the night before that he couldn't make it. Yup. 12 hrs notice. Classy. To be fair, he said he was sorry & paid for his half of the trip... & blocked his email & proceeded to have a fabulous time in Italy.

"ghosting" to me seems a cruel and selfish way to cause a person slowly and agonizingly have to come to the conclussion he/she is being rejected. Nastier even than those text breakups.

I wouldn't call that even close to ghosting. I'd call that backing out.

Indeed. It's one thing if there are signs/signals that someone is avoiding you. It's like if you are in a brightly-lit room and someone flips a switch. The only light might be a lamp in a room down the hall or some ambient light from outside through the window, and you're just fine once your eyes adjust. Someone who is simply avoiding you may walk the other way when he or she sees you, makes up an excuse, or eventually just says, "hey, buddy, get a clue! GTF away."

A perfectly executed fade means an absolute ZERO level of contact. There is no passing him or her in the street, no randomly showing up at favorite coffee place or bar, no emails, no texts, no Morse code, no smoke signals, NOTHING.

BUT?when you show up at her house/apartment/dorm room, it's "omifreakingosh, I'm calling 911 RIGHT NOW. What is wrong with you?" You don't even have to knock on the door or so much as darken the doorstep, it's instantaneous. You're not in the friend zone or the creep zone. Oh, no? You're in the crazy stalker zone. And he or she has all the evidence of emails, text messages, and phone records to "prove" you're a stalker, and you've really done nothing wrong. Evidence can quite easily favor the accuser in these situations, so they're hauling you off to jail when you didn't really do anything.

If this happens, you can post bail for, like, $50 or something. They have to prove that you knowingly upset the fader, and if she actually did cut off all contact with you, you have no way of knowing. You can document that as of mm/dd/yyyy you received absolutely ZERO contact from her or him and had no reason or indication to believe you'd upset this person. You were merely worried and attempted to see this person to make sure he or she was ok. They have to prove that you are in a pattern of following this person around and threatening this person in order to get you for stalking. Harassment is easier to prove?but again, to bust you for it they have to get you to admit that you knew this person was upset in connection with your presence. If there are witnesses involved, you're pretty much screwed if they all have their story straight--but an solid alibi, i.e. you call witnesses who can demonstrate that you were not where they claim you were, then you just busted some folks for perjury. I mean, someone has to really, REALLY hate you a lot to pull something that elaborate. And if someone fades you and pulls that stunt, you can cause a LOT of trouble for them if you keep your wits about you.

The good news is if someone DOES take you to court over a fade they get called on, it's only a misdemeanor and at worst you're out $300 or something. You might do better to just plead guilty and skip the lawyer fees. Depending on how much you hate this person, you could hire a lawyer, beat the misdemeanor charges, and THEN take him/her and his/her buddies to civil court to recover legal fees and damages (unlawful prosecution, slander, etc.). [note: I'm not a lawyer, btw, but was involved in a related incident. When I worked briefly as a paralegal, I asked my boss about this, and he told me that such a case does raise these possibilities. You really want to speak to a lawyer, NOT take my word for it, if you get in this kind of mess and you want to beat a stalking/harassment accusation. Easy to do, EVEN IF you really are guilty, but most people don't bother. It's just like getting a traffic ticket?it's just easier to pay the fine. In fact, traffic tickets are harder to beat than harassment charges. It's just that the cost of beating a misdemeanor charge tends to outweigh just paying the fine. OK?you got owned by a crazy person. Just be a little more careful next time you get in a relationship.]

For the would-be fader, are THOSE the kinds of consequences you want to be faced with? And I'm not threatening anyone. I'm just saying that if you're immature and unintelligent enough to wrong someone in that way, you're setting yourself up. You have no control over what someone else does if you upset or anger them by trying to ignore them out of existence. You instantly put the law on your side the moment you say "We're over. Go away." Your next step if someone continues to try to contact you is say, "You're upsetting me. Go away." Next step, keep your friends close by at all times so when he/she tries to approach you, they can back you up. If other people see this happening 2, 3 times, go to the cops. Doesn't matter how many lawyers someone hires, the evidence is on your side. Judges and police don't want to be there to work out your relationship issues, but when you show that someone is being unreasonable and that you've made the effort, you've got something. People who fade lack the maturity and rationality for that. Faded people, on the other hand, are blindsided by what faders do. And that gives faders a LOT of power. If you're a chronic fader, you really, REALLY need to be careful because you're putting yourself at pretty high risk if you're prone to jumping to the "cry wolf" stage when someone calls you out. Drag the police into this when YOU are the one being unreasonable AND p!$$ off the wrong person, you're liable to get a lot more trouble than you bargained for.

Again, not a threat, but a realistic possibility. Save yourself the trouble.

CAVEAT: Every situation is different. This DOES NOT APPLY if it is clear that contacting a person to break up with him or her puts your safety or life at risk. If this person has behaved towards you in a demonstrably threatening way, you owe that person NOTHING. Get away and don't look back.

OMFG, that is totally a threat. If someone ghosts or fades on you, it's a "realistic possibility" the person you've cut off contact with will STALK you and that you will DESERVE it?! H3ll to the no.

Go google the definitions of stalking/harassment. Leaving, say, 3 or 5 messages for someone who ignores your calls? Annoying, but not criminal. Leave 30 or 400 unreturned messages and make threats? That's criminal.

Aspie Daniel Jason was recently convicted of stalking / harassing / terrorizing a girl who dumped his ass in 2005 for the THIRD time -- and got a 45 year sentence for doing so.

Here we go again with the straw man attacks.

If someone goes to someone's house to check on them because they suddenly disappeared on you and you want to make sure that person is ok, that person suddenly goes nuts and calls the cops, you realistically COULD have a civil case against your fader.


Who said anything about making threats? I sat with someone who filled out the police paperwork for harassment charges. In that particular jurisdiction, a few repeated incidents in which his mere presence was enough to upset her counts as harassment. It really doesn't take that much to get someone arrested. I volunteered to be a witness in that case, and fortunately I was never called to the stand--there were at least two witnesses who backed up her testimony, not to mention the fact this guy outright admitted that he was where she said he was and that he knew she was upset with him being there. Open. Shut.

I even spoke with a lawyer I worked with some time later about that incident, and he told me had the defendant had a lawyer present the judge would have thrown the case out.

A fact about faders is that fading puts them in a position of power over the faded. You stop talking to her, she comes over to see what's wrong. Go away, creepy lady, I'm calling the cops! Bam?she gets arrested. It's that simple. She could technically fight it, but she probably won't because legal fees alone would be more than the fine. If she wanted to teach me a lesson about fading her, she could pony up the money, hire a lawyer, get the case thrown out, and file a civil suit against me. All because I "thought" I broke up with her and just "forgot" to let her in on the secret, or because I simply "don't owe her anything." If I get sued over it, I'm out a few thousand bucks when a simple "I think we should see other people" would have sufficed.


And that's COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to what we're talking about here. They picked this guy up, we was leaving threatening messages, they got a protective order on him, and he resorts to extortion??? Mental illness or not, it was blatantly dangerous, threatening behavior. Most people understand why someone might have a little problem with extortion. It's hardly what we consider the norm when it comes to fading relationships.

I don't know the circumstances of how she broke up with him. But whether it's your fault or not, you don't break a protective order and you don't resort to extortion. If she faded him, the court order would have made her intentions loud and clear.

And that's a terrible example to try to use. The guy clearly has psychiatric issues that won't be alleviated in prison. He deserved to be punished, but 45 years? Wow...

I had an online friend who was friends with a girl online and she was friends with me too. Then one day I didn't see her come online again. She lived down south where Katrina hit and my friend was worried about her because she was never online so he thought she was hurt or affected by the hurricane. he would email her or call her or find her profiles online and contact her there and when he got no answer, he started calling her. Then before he knew it, he saw her saying online to her friends how he was "stalking" her. He told me about it and I felt angry how she treated him but he forgave her and they were friends again. It turned out she was going through a binge and purge cycle they call it so she decided to try and get rid of her diaper interest and move on by blocking everyone who was into it and not do it anymore.

Ghosting can backfire. Back in 6th grade I used to call a kid over and over thinking they were not home but I never realized they may have been trying to avoid me but because I was someone who never gives up, I kept calling over and over until they blocked my number. I did the same with my ex boyfriend until my Mom told me he had moved on and wants nothing to do with me and I was single. I felt relieved because it meant I could move on too and I felt released from the relationship. Some people do not get hints. I would just simply get blunt with them and tell them to not call you anymore. If that still doesn't give them the hint, be more clear and tell them you don't want them calling you ever again, not today, not tomorrow, not the next day or the day after that or next week, never. I wish I was told this by the girl's family instead of "I don't want you calling anymore." That was too vague and I didn't understand. I just thought they meant for the rest of the day so I wouldn't call them anymore. My mom always had to tell me "not today not tomorrow, not the next day, not next week, or next month, never" so I would understand when she wanted me to not do something ever again. It wasn't a relationship with this girl, I just liked her and wanted to be friends. I get hints better now than I did as a kid. Never being available is a clue. If they want to talk, they will call you so I go by the 3 strike rule I learned from Mozart and the Whale written by Jerry Newport.