Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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That question is above my pay grade, you'll need to talk to management.

the hardest part for me, is how to be assertive and take action with women and avoid coming across as needy, desperate.

Sometimes you can help it…sometimes you can't. Every time you focus on getting to know the other person better and communicate that you believe she is more interesting than you are, you'll win. The only tricky part is not all women are exactly alike. It's a moving target. But human nature never changes. People tend to only think about themselves and are attracted to that which makes them feel special. It's the Golden Rule. Use it and succeed. You'll never appear "needy" or "desperate" when you do that.

Some women (or men) will just want to see someone approaching them as needy and desperate, no matter what. It's an ego thing. It's not always easy to predict, but when you can spot that type of person, it saves a lot of trouble to just avoid them.

Second update: The relationship was alright while it lasted, but it ended absolute sh*t.

Only lasted 12 days...

I already knew before getting into this relationship this girl has had a hard life and been stepped on in the past, and already knew she has a hard time trusting males and dislikes them, but I accepted all this.

It turns out it wasn't me, but her.

I am the greatest boyfriend she has ever had. But I made her realize she isn't ready for a relationship. She is busy with her life, she doesn't need a boyfriend in her life but her mother to be a part of her life, and she had lost her feelings for me.

This was all new to the both of us - my first relationship, and her first good relationship.

Me and Sarah, the girl we are both friends with and the one my ex-girlfriend trusts with all her secrets, thought I might have been something different.

Sarah and I thought I might be the one to show my ex that there really are good guys out there.

We both didn't expect this to happen.

Got dumped Wednesday, still recovering.

I've now also fallen into a deep depression, not just because of the breakup but also am feeling isolated from others and once again feeling very lonely in life and lacking in friends (I also felt like this when I was with my girlfriend, because I know a relationship doesn't solve all your problems but at least then I had someone to spend time with), and finally when I needed a friend the most Sarah told me she needed a break (not just because of me but a lot of friends coming at her for help/advice and it was overwhelming - Sarah is usually the advice/help type friend but she couldn't handle everyone's issues at once she has told me).

I have learned a lot from this experience though. A lot of new emotions to me and also actually learned what I actually act like in a relationship. I was always confident that I was ready for a relationship and, yes, this confirmed it for me.

So yeah...Wednesday was awful, Thursday was just sucy, yesterday was absolute worst day of my year, possibly life even.

Anyway, I haven't read all the more recent messages on this forum, but will do so now and reply to some of them.

Just wanted to say, it seems i am almost always attracted to females that are 'hard to get'. I don't even mean females who play 'hard to get' on purpose - I mean all the girls I end up attracted to are actually difficult to get to know and date.

This year I have liked a bisexual female unsure if she was still attracted to males, a girl with a hard life and a lot of drama (if a girl has long-term problems in her life I can deal with that, but this girl was also having a lot of short-term drama, as in when I had a crush on her she was going through a lot at the time, and it was a bad time for me to get involved), and finally my ex-girlfriend was the same thing - hard life.

Not actually going to completely disagree with this. However, I do find offense with how harsh you are being considering this is an asperger's forum.

Last year i had a...a bit of a reputation. I didn't pursue too many females, but the ones I did were talked about.

It was a very gossipy kind of school where word of anything spread fast. Some females i ended up behaving inappropriately and possibly accidentally slightly creepy towards, not on purpose but due to being aspie obviously.

I look back in embarrasment and absolute anger towards how I was last year. I'd beat the sh*t out of my past self last year if I could. Not just because of purusing so many females but other things as well (poor fitness/out of shape/poor diet, blissfully ignorant lifestyle, etc.)

Thing is I moved to a new school this year, a better one and have a much better reputation and more well-liked now because i learned from past mistakes.

Most successful year Love and dating wise, (well every category really, friendships and studies as well).

But yes you have a point.

Do I suck at the game? No, it worked at least once with my 3 dates with one girl at the beginning of the year.

I always tried to bend the rules of the game, not play it. Now I really am just giving up on it because there's no point to it really.

Last edited by Outrider on 28 Aug 2015, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Agreed. And she has said she wants to only be 'just friends' yet still has to remind me every 2 sentences we are 'just friends'. All I can think is: What do you think I'm TRYING to do??/ When talking to her normally.

I will try to be just friends with her, as in I would actually like to be friends with her and am mostly over her now anyway (I know it's a short amount of time but I am DONE dealing with this person. The relationship was alright for me but the entire time she didn't really express her feelings at all and I had to question a lot if she even felt the same, there was alcways a lack of communication because if I ever tried to talk to her she would brush me off and ignore me, and we both had to communicate through Sarah. Sarah was the one that gave me the news I was going to be dumped because she lost her feelings for me in the first place, because my ex couldn't even say it to my face. And when I confronted my ex over it, she said it in an inconsiderate way that she only wanted to be friends. Like not caring about how it might make me feel).

So yeah I actually would like to still be friends with her but I am done putting up with her cr*p and now there is less of a commitment so if she doesn't straighten up and start treating me a bit better I want nothing to do with this person.

Passive-Aggressive person who can't make up their mind, never wants to discuss the relationship (while we were dating, only wanted to change the subject everytime I mentioned it), etc.

When I say the relationship was 'alright' I do really mean that, alright for me because I am a tolerant guy that can deal with a lot. I wasn't used or abused because she genuinely liked me back, but the way it ended pisses me off.

And sorry to everyone for making so many posts. I am just too lazy to edit everything into one post so I just have separate posts.

Most people don't get social lives handed to them on a silver platter -- they have to make a bit of an effort, particularly if they're no longer in school. They accept or extend a lunch invitation towards a new colleague. Join a rec league softball team or sign up for a knitting class.

If they find themselves not meeting anybody to date, or anybody to introduce them to people to date, they consider the reasonable measures they can take to change that - online dating, a salsa class, letting their sister/best friend/granny set them up on a blind date, undertaking a new activity they are likely to enjoy that puts them in the company of potential new friends/dates.

Unless you live in, like, a town of 76 people 500+ miles from a larger town, "not meeting new people, ever" is something that you are 100% capable of changing. If you're willing to make the effort.

I think when the pressure is off you, even if it's pressure you put on yourself, you don't send out that "desperation vibe". People pick up on it. Also, you are probably more fun if you aren't trying to constantly look for what he means and analyze how well you like him and relationship potential and all that crap.

Of you could just happen to run into the one you fall in love with when you stopped looking.


No clue. It could be either or both or none.

I think it's the fairytale concept you see in movies, that just when the main character gives up on love, they suddenly meet a new lover in a really synchronistic, fated sort of way.

Every time that has ever happened to me, it turned out the guy was already married. I guess that's a different movie.

Well it actually happened to me. Something of a 'life is like a movie' type moment.

I had a crush on this one girl and things were going well but she moved away suddenly and adruptly before I even got the chance to get to know her that well.

Felt upset over it and, sick and tired of failure, decided to give up on love. One week later develop a crush on this new girl unfortuantely. Keep ignoring my feelings and denying it, but still make the effort to spend more time around her and get to know her, but not worried as much if things didn't work out like in the past. Well things turn out to be mutual, begin relationship.

Well, ended up in a short 12 day relationship with this person before being dumped because, even if I was the best boyfriend she has ever had (she has only been stepped on by guys in the past), I made her realize she isn't READY for a boyfriend.

This is all MEANINGLESS...

This made me and my friend agree that I would get along with someone much better if they were similar to myself. At first they disagreed but after discussing it, it's possible I really would. But we both don't KNOW someone like that, at all.

So like a few others have said way earlier posts in the forum, sometimes you have better luck being confident and knowing what you want from others.

Because a lot of my failure has been because of people who AREN'T confident in what they want and don't know what they want. First girl was bisexual confused about her sexuality and unsure if she was still attracted to males, second girl realized she wasn't ready for a boyfriend.

If you stop looking you risk running into people undecided about life all the bloody time.

So maybe looking for love and even online dating really CAN work - they know what you want, you know what they want, it is much easier to find someone with compatible needs to your own.

I am considered a confident person by the people I know. Someone who knows what they want out of life, who they are, and what they have to do to get it. But I only run into wishy-washy people, undecided people, confused people, or those that are doubtful....

I'm not talking about those people that have a shopping list of things they expect in a partner and super high standards.

I just mean someone who won't reject you or end the relationship because they are unsure of what they want or because you helped them realize they DON'T want a relationship...it's a very terrible feeling.

No I don't believe it, its a cliche like "dont worry, there is somebody for everybody", if you follow these cliches you will end up like me, totally alone all of your life, Women like to be wanted and chased, they like a man with the confidence to do so, if you dont show interest in them then they will just ignore you and you will remain alone.

OK I found love when I stopped looking. Whether that was because I wasn't giving off a "desperate I want a boyfriend" vibe or whether it was just luck that I met my husband then, I don't know. I only know how it happened to me and I don't think it's a recipe for somebody else to find what they want. It happens when it happens.

As for wanting to be chased, he didn't chase me. I made the first move, or rather the girl I worked with did and told him I thought he was awesome. He hung around and talked to me some and would talk to me in the evening when he came through and we exchanged phone numbers but I called him first because I was off that night and wondered if he wanted to hang out. Hanging out was what we did. We rarely went on any kind of date or even an outing. We sat in his apartment and listened to music and talked and drank and had a blast. We hung out like friends do. That is how we fell in love. There was no "friend zone" or anything but he didn't get too pushy either. He pulled me in his lap and kissed me maybe the second or third time I had been over there, and that was kind of weird because even though he was the same age as other guys I had dated, he had an actual job, and not a job during college or some kind of part time work with a cousin to earn money to keep their head above water, which was the kinds of jobs that the guys I had dated who weren't in college had, if they had a job cause a lot didn't. He also had body hair and a mustache which I was completely unused to. That made him seem older and more grown up, and he had his own apartment by himself, with furniture in it. The guys I knew who had their own places didn't live like that, or the ones who did have a nice place of their own lived over their parents garage or in the pool house or their parents guest house. I seem to date two types. Well off college guys who lived at home or whose parents supported them and who maybe had a little job for cash or pretty poor guys who were about 75^ criminal (or more) with either no job or a s**t job and either living on their parent's or relatives couch or had their own place with some other guys or a REALLY crappy place like maybe that dope house in Trainspotting lol. I had married one of the latter types and then divorced him about a year and a half later. I just didn't feel like I fit in with the former too well, although I did because I hung out in that crowd with friends. But my husband, the guy I met then, he wasn't either. He came from nice parents, a regular all American two parent family where they ate dinner at the table, nobody was drunk and you weren't worried about the cops showing up, and it wasn't all snooty and stuff like some of the guys I dated parents. Turns out later on, he came from more money than any of those guys. We haven't gotten it yet, but he will get an inheritance when his mother goes. I'm not rushing it, we are fine. I would have married him if he had been poor. When we first starting hanging out, I thought he was, that he was living on his paycheck and all. I didn't know about the money till we were way past in love and were committed to being together.

But it was just different. I had dated guys who chased me and I had dated guys who I had chased. I had no problem making the first move or asking a guy out. I never understood the reasoning behind why I wasn't supposed to, but of course I'm an aspie. I usually did follow the social conventions except when I thought it would be to my advantage not to, and it was to my advantage because guys were utterly charmed that a girl asked them out back then. They were floored when I said I asked so I would pay for the date. They were impressed when I picked them up in my Mustang and wouldn't let them drive it cause it was a pro-stock and that is a big NO there. Only me. So, I didn't have to be chased, and I was interested in some guys who weren't interested in me at all. I chased a couple of them for a year or more but never got anywhere and gave up. Two of them I never even went out on a date with. Oh well. I got who I want now anyway. If a guy didn't show interest in me but I was interested in him, I would pursue him until I either found out he was not interested in me at all or we went out and it eventually didn't work out.

I want to be wanted of course. Everybody does. I want to be needed too. I've heard men have to be wanted, women have to be needed. I want both though. Anybody with somebody would have to be wanted. Would you stay with somebody you werent wanted by? Would you go out with somebody you weren't wanted by? No. Who would? So yeah, for a relationship and a date, the guy has to want us. Also vice versa. It's just like the Cheap Trick song. It's true. I want my guy to want me just like a guy wants his girl to want him. That isn't a bad thing you know.

And you shouldn't "follow the cliche" to try and find somebody. Cliche's usually are horrible and cheesy and either never happen or they are bad when they do. Mine turned out right I guess. It was just pure blind ass luck though. And also maybe that we just hung out because I had decided to play the field. I didn't wait to be asked on dates or ask him on any. I brought a bottle of Black Jack and a gram of blow over and we listened to music and talked all night. Then he invited me to come over and eat pizza and watch a movie. It went like that for months and months until we were just damn in love when I hadn't planned on it. I would have dressed up a little better if I wasn't just hanging out with him cause I liked him and might be a friends with benefits or whatever later on maybe if we both felt like it, which is how it was in my mind in the beginning even though I did like him. You have to like someone (and be attracted to them) for a FOB thing. I was going to do that and play the field and date at times but mostly just hang out and have fun, like the guys did. And I had guy friends who did just that. That looked a lot better than constantly being disappointed by the dating scene. Maybe it worked because hanging out together put no pressure on us. I wasn't trying to impress him and I think he was trying to impress me a little at first cause he would clean up and shower and shave and all. I did at least that for him (legs, not face lol) but I didn't go all out bombshell like for a date. It was more relaxed. Maybe if we had dated instead of hanging out like that, we wouldn't have fallen in love. He might not have liked Date OOM at all. We never went on an uncomfortable or nervous "datey date". By the time we went somewhere together we were basically engaged to be married when we both turned 50.

So, it happens. I'm sorry it hasn't happened for you, and I hope it will. However it does happen. But don't try to say what every girl wants and thinks and will do, because you really do not know every girl. I don't either, I know myself though, and what I did and would have done.

SOME women like the chase, not ALL women. SOME men like to be chased, not ALL men. The reverse is also true. this tends to result in game-players dating game players and non-game players dating non-game players, which is only sensible (and to the benefit of, well, everybody). Viewed in this manner, game playing isn't some evil plan but rather a preferred means of interaction for a subset of the population.

There is also a fascinating demographic aspect to the Why Will Nobody Date Me and Why Are Girls/Guys So Damn Picky Complaints:

- there are way more college-educated girls than guys and college-educated girls don't want to date non-college grad men (140 girls for every 100 guys). Ergo, there's a "surplus" of college educated women, so college-educated men can elect to hookup/date a million girls/Tinder/ not commit to college-educated girls (who are apparently cool with this)

- there are way more non-college educated guys than girls and non-college educated folks tend not to date the college-educated. Ergo, there's a "surplus" of non-college educated guys, so non-college educated girls can afford to be super-picky about non-college guys (hooking up, Tinder, rejecting dudes for seemingly "minor infractions or imperfections").



.washingtonpost. com/posteverything/wp/2015/ 08/26/hookup-culture-isnt- the-problem-facing-singles-today-its-math/

Ah yes, the movie called "Real Life".

Fairy tales are fairy tales. You're destined for misery if your expectations are based on 400+ yo fictional tales.