Seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring

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Outrider
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08 Mar 2016, 4:21 am

I don't think I could date an introvert, at least the one's that don't seem particularly interested in trying new things or experiences.

As I've said since the beginning of this thread, I'm more outgoing than my introverted friends and this is to my disadvantage, as they are content with doing stuff indoors but I need to get out of the house.

I swear, if I dated an introverted female, she'd have to at least be okay with me being the type to go out all the time.

What's the point of dragging your girlfriend along if she's going to be the one who sits in a dark corner alone at the party, be pissed that you're 'ignoring' her because you're hanging out and partying with your friends, and demand you go home with her early anyway?

Aspie1 and I's nightmares...



Aspie1
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08 Mar 2016, 7:48 am

Outrider wrote:
If you're girlfriend's a shy, quiet, homely introvert and you're friends with more lively and extraverted people ...
Those train people sound like my kinda crowd.

Just a quick note, "homely" means plain-looking/unattractive. (US/Aus. English difference, perhaps.) I was referring to my first girlfriend, who I admit, I settled for out of desperation. Only I didn't complain about her looks or boring traits, since I had no other options.

Yeah, I admire those train people too. I can only pull off what they did (start and lead a big group conversation) on a big happy cruise ship, not on a mundane public transit vehicle. And yet, they turned it into a party. I almost found myself rationalizing that those couples were just a big group of friends.



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08 Mar 2016, 2:57 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I know if you have a girlfriend and don't ever bring them along whenever you go to hang out in a group...they can feel like you're embarrassed by them and don't want to be seen with them, or it seems like you're not willing to include them in anything. Also if you're having sex with them they might feel used when they get the impression you aren't interested in spending time with them and don't really like to casually hang out with them ever.
I'm aware that I have to bring her along wherever I go. It's my job as a boyfriend. This became problematic with my first girlfriend, who I was embarrassed to introduce to my friends. (She was kind of homely.) And as much as I wanted to include her into my activities, boredom was more her thing. Try a new restaurant? "No." Explore an art colony neighborhood 20 minutes away by bus? "Too far." Go on a boat ride on the river at night? "It's nice just sitting in the courtyard." The only reason I didn't dump her is that I thought no other girl will ever like me for at least 10 years. Hey, I already said this relationship was a train wreck.

Fast-forward to today. I was riding a train this past Saturday, and saw three couples together, having a happy, lively conversation. They all seemed pretty drunk, although they behaved themselves. As the train rode on, they ended up engaging everybody in the car in conversation, myself including. Everybody shared where they were headed. The couples were going to a rock concert, I was going to a speed dating event, and other people were going wherever. One woman among the couples even gave me some pointers on how to get a phone number. Somehow, I can NEVER imagine my girlfriend EVER doing something like that with me (riding a train to a concert while drunk). I just can't wrap my mind around that; it'd be like hearing Donald Trump praise Obamacare. Stupid as that sounds, it is what it is.


Ok sounds like she certainly was not compatible with you and breaking it off was probably best for the both of you. Basically something is wrong with the relationship if it feels like you're dragging your girlfriend around because it's your duty. It is also not a good sign if you're embarrassed to introduce your S.O to others...regardless of if its a fair reason or not they will pick up on it also It points to a lack of connection/bond. I mean yeah something long term with that ex would have certainly amounted to a boring LTR for you.

Also, if you saw other sort of laid back couples taking a bus to a rock concert while drunk, having lively conversations why are you so convinced you couldn't do that stuff with your girlfriend? Is it that you don't think you'd have a chance with a woman like that?


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Aspie1
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08 Mar 2016, 8:47 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also, if you saw other sort of laid back couples taking a bus to a rock concert while drunk, having lively conversations why are you so convinced you couldn't do that stuff with your girlfriend? Is it that you don't think you'd have a chance with a woman like that?
No chance? Not in the slightest! I've had casual dates, flings, or simply friendly encounters with women that were a pleasure to be around: feisty, affectionate, playful, and fun-loving, with touch of quirkiness. Ditto for female friends and women in my dance classes, minus the affections (hugs don't really count). But when it comes to an LTR with my own girlfriend, I can't imagine anything but a prolonged series of tedium, boredom, and obligations. Regardless of her attractiveness level. Perhaps it's a juxtaposition of the two kinds of love: the fun, playful kind; and the serious, intimate kind. Guess which one I prefer.

My friends' girlfriends are partially to blame for that. I already described them and their relationships plenty. I get it: I can't give my friends sex :P. Or "feelings" (whatever!), for that matter. But come on, really? Do they actually like being homebound, despite being outgoing guys? That said, they're quite supportive of my escort habit, although with them always dragging their girlfriends around, I lost all opportunities to fully "debrief" in person over some beers.

What's ironic is that the train couples weren't exactly young. They looked well into their 40's at least. Which means they were probably going to go see classic rock, but that's beside the point. Still, I can't imagine my relationship being anything close to these couples'. Instead, more like my friends'.



hurtloam
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09 Mar 2016, 3:44 am

This is typical aspies black and white thinking.

I had a bad relationship once, therefore all relationships are bad.

I perceive that my friends are unhappy in relationships therefore that is the absolute truth.

My Grandma said a thing once therefore that is the absolute truth.

Theory of mind. He can't imagine it differently because he literally can't imagine it differently.

Aspie1 is right it would be like telling someone convinced that the earth is flat, that the earth is round.

No wonder Kaytee became a troll. It's like hitting your head of a brick wall sometimes on this forum.



Sweetleaf
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09 Mar 2016, 5:03 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Also, if you saw other sort of laid back couples taking a bus to a rock concert while drunk, having lively conversations why are you so convinced you couldn't do that stuff with your girlfriend? Is it that you don't think you'd have a chance with a woman like that?
No chance? Not in the slightest! I've had casual dates, flings, or simply friendly encounters with women that were a pleasure to be around: feisty, affectionate, playful, and fun-loving, with touch of quirkiness. Ditto for female friends and women in my dance classes, minus the affections (hugs don't really count). But when it comes to an LTR with my own girlfriend, I can't imagine anything but a prolonged series of tedium, boredom, and obligations. Regardless of her attractiveness level. Perhaps it's a juxtaposition of the two kinds of love: the fun, playful kind; and the serious, intimate kind. Guess which one I prefer.

My friends' girlfriends are partially to blame for that. I already described them and their relationships plenty. I get it: I can't give my friends sex :P. Or "feelings" (whatever!), for that matter. But come on, really? Do they actually like being homebound, despite being outgoing guys? That said, they're quite supportive of my escort habit, although with them always dragging their girlfriends around, I lost all opportunities to fully "debrief" in person over some beers.

What's ironic is that the train couples weren't exactly young. They looked well into their 40's at least. Which means they were probably going to go see classic rock, but that's beside the point. Still, I can't imagine my relationship being anything close to these couples'. Instead, more like my friends'.


Well I don't see how you would end up with someone who's not a pleasure to be around if you get in a LTR, you do have choice into what sort of women you pursue. I just don't get why you're so convinced you would end up with a boring girlfriend...you don't have to pursue the same sorts of women your friends did.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Mar 2016, 6:16 am

hurtloam wrote:
This is typical aspies black and white thinking.

I had a bad relationship once, therefore all relationships are bad.

I perceive that my friends are unhappy in relationships therefore that is the absolute truth.

My Grandma said a thing once therefore that is the absolute truth.

Theory of mind. He can't imagine it differently because he literally can't imagine it differently.

Aspie1 is right it would be like telling someone convinced that the earth is flat, that the earth is round.

No wonder Kaytee became a troll. It's like hitting your head of a brick wall sometimes on this forum.


katy has a very black and white thinking too.



Aspie1
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09 Mar 2016, 8:08 am

hurtloam wrote:
This is typical aspies black and white thinking.

Another type of black and white thinking is this: you're either in a relationship OR you're having fun, never both. This comes mostly from the media, rather than first-hand observations. Consider, for example, the pervasive Cory and Topanga from "Boy Meets World". And no, not lack of sex. It's a family show, so it's a given that the producers are against sex. I'm talking about how she was boring as hell; not to mention extremely bossy and borderline matronly. By contrast, consider Lauren, the ski lodge employee. She had that soft, unassuming, almost bohemian vibe to her. If I were Cory, I'd dump Topanga in a heartbeat (then run to the police station to get a restraining order), and give Lauren a chance. But again, it being a family show, it's a heinous crime for the main guy to choose a fun, warm-hearted hipster girl over a boring, matronly girlfriend.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 09 Mar 2016, 8:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Mar 2016, 8:19 am

You are dismissing the fact that Cory knew and loved Topanga for years since they were little kids, of course he's gonna be more attached to Topanga (and disregard her flaws) than to some new girl, no matter how more fun the latter sounds.

It's a family show but this part reflect reality of attachement.



Aspie1
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09 Mar 2016, 8:31 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's a family show but this part reflect reality of attachement.

Meh. The Lauren episode was when I lost all respect for Cory and pretty much stopped watching the show. He was the world's biggest idiot for keeping such a bad (read: boring) girlfriend around for so long, let alone being "attached" to her. But I guess him being a reasonable guy goes against the writers' mission statement or something. Again, I know this is just a dumb TV show, but it does add fuel to the fire in scaring me out of long-term relationships.



slenkar
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09 Mar 2016, 4:38 pm

When I watched that as a kid I thought they were ultra grown up and serious for a couple of 13 year olds (however old they were) they seemed like a 28 year old couple, this could be because of adults writing the script for kids.

There wasn't much fun , so it seemed :D



Outrider
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09 Mar 2016, 8:01 pm

The media will definitely have a negative affect on your perception.

Just look at how marriage is portrayed by most media - as some sort of contract, some deathtrap for men.

Most men in media seem to dread marriage, and the woman is over-whelmed with stress as she wants everything to be ABOLSUTELY PERFECT, while the man just loves the woman and just wants to have a happy wedding without all the associated stress over trivial rubbish.

It'll end with the man's buddies going on an attempt to convince their friend marriage is the right way to go, he'll have some emotional realization and realize, yes, he can handle marriage and be prepared for the future.

The woman will stop being stressed out and hysterical, and realize all along it's just their love that's important, and realize in the end everything did go perfect once she stopped trying to achieve perfection.

Anyway, that sounds like nearly every comedy movie to me with a wedding....



Aspie1
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12 Mar 2016, 12:53 pm

It's funny what you said about weddings. Most relationships in family sitcoms ALWAYS follow this specific pattern.

1. The man somehow expresses his needs. Oftentimes, it's sex. But it can really be anything: a night out with his friends, seeing a football (American) game, playing golf, or pursuing his own manly hobby.
2. The woman is against it, and accuses him of not loving her, threatening to end the relationship, or something of that nature. She cries, yells, or both. All supporting characters automatically take her side.
3. The man is humbled, and submits to her wishes. No sex happens, his cancels on his friends, he doesn't get to watch the game. Instead, he submits to his partner's wishes, and apparently, "learns his lesson".
4. They make up, and live happily ever after. Or specifically, only she does. The man learns to live without his needs being met. Whether or not he's actually happy living like that, the show does not tell you.

Also, me and my friend got into a fight this week. I'm pretty sure the friendship is done for, although it was halfway there already, when his girlfriend entered the picture. So it was just a matter of the final push. Anyway, I tried to invite him to a birthday party I'm trying to organize for early next month. We're supposed to take a train to an Irish neighorbood, walk around, and do some day drinking. You know, take advantage of this year's El Niño weather. I suggested it to some of my distant friends, who all agreed. But my good friend said he has to ask his girlfriend's permission, since she doesn't like going out, and he refuses to go without her, "because that's not what love is". I wanted to slap him! Heck, I've gone to dance classes where women come without their significant others, due to diverging interests. And I danced with them too. They're still plenty loving at home, I'm sure.

I kept trying to get it through his head that he drank the Kool-Aid, and was no longer his own person, just a pet. I'm at a point where I gave up trying to explain things to NTs deeply set in their ways. Unlike family, who I want to at least make peace with my decision to be single, I'm ready to stand back and smugly watch my friends be proverbial inmates. All while I go to singles' parties, flirt and have fun, then stagger back to the station to catch the 1:00 AM train home.



Laundryhampers
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12 Mar 2016, 4:20 pm

Sitcoms are not real life. Duh.



Aspie1
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13 Mar 2016, 1:58 am

<sarcasm>Oh my god, I had no idea! So sitcoms aren't real life? Thank you for enlightening me.</sarcasm>

Be that as it may, if you repeat something on TV enough times---and my description exists in EVERY single sitcom out there---people will start expecting it in real life. So basically, it becomes socially unacceptable for men to get their needs met within a relationship. Soon enough, you have men like me who are terrified of relationships, due to the media stereotypes, as well as these same stereotypes spreading into real life. Heck, all of my friends have the world's most boring relationships. So why shouldn't mine be any different?



0_equals_true
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13 Mar 2016, 7:53 am

That "have to do everything together" vibe, not for me.

Either he, her or both of them is insecure. Or perhaps they simply cannot be apart, in which case I guess that is it.

Perhaps he just isn't in pub crawls anymore, not everyone is into it, they might pretend to in their younger days.