Getting a girlfriend feels like an impossible task

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Outrider
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05 Mar 2016, 2:38 am

It is very difficult to meet new people in some places, even just for friendships.

The city I live in is a small city and has all the necessities, but nothing more.

There are no particular clubs or groups for my interests.

The few clubs that do exist are a few sports clubs, religious groups, gardening, arts/craft/knitting, and farm markets/trading.

These are typically not something a teenager or young adult will be interested in, and a large sum of middle-aged adults as well.

The two swimming pools are very low quality, even for swimming pools they suck. The water is hot, it's grimey and digustingly maintained.

We have the highest amount of parks in the entire country, but what the news doesn't tell you is the vast majority of them are poorly maintained, ugly, hotspots for criminal activity and meetings, filled with litter, beer bottles and user syringes. However, even the few gems we do have get boring very quickly, as most teens and young adults aren't interested in parks.

I'm under 18 so it's even harder as I can't join Meetup.com groups yet, but even the young adults here don't have much.

They have to rely on the one single (and cr*ppy/low quality/seedy) nightclub and the few dozen bars we have, and these places aren't ideal to meet relationship material, as most people of these establishments will want one-night stands or FWBs.

This city is a part of Australia's 'bible belt' and is very conservative. Racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. are all prevalent. The crime rate here is one of the highest in the country, as well as youth depression and substance abuse.

Interestingly, our youth and elderly rates are high, so we have a lot of young people here and elderly, but absolutely nothing caters to the youth. There is a lot here for the elderly and my Mum calls this place a 'retirement village' but the youth have jack-sh•t.

You tell me what one is supposed to do to meet someone here.

I can't go to the university here as my family is planning to move soon, it doesn't have the class I want to take, and it's expensive to transfer once my family does move.

Social interaction?

I've improved my social skills to a significant degree. My only real difficulties are my extreme anxiety to new situations or experiences.

Interestingly, as much as I enjoy social interaction, I seem to have Agoraphobia.

I have a fear of going places alone and it's this bad city to blame. Every time I leave the house, solo or with friends/family, we get rude looks, glares, or other kinds of trouble when all we do is mind our own business.

My Mum continues to tell me 'you get that everywhere, there are bad people everywhere'.

I agree, but what she doesn't seem to understand is that this city seems to be WORSE than most others.

A few weeks ago I was walking in the streets of a coastal city with a friend. It felt so much more quiet and peaceful, and everyone minded their own business instead of feeling the need to intrude on my life and give me death stares.

The city i use to live in, another coastal city with one of the lowest crime rates in the state, I also felt very comfortable going around in.



AR15000
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05 Mar 2016, 3:42 am

Outrider wrote:
It is very difficult to meet new people in some places, even just for friendships.

The city I live in is a small city and has all the necessities, but nothing more.

There are no particular clubs or groups for my interests.

The few clubs that do exist are a few sports clubs, religious groups, gardening, arts/craft/knitting, and farm markets/trading.

These are typically not something a teenager or young adult will be interested in, and a large sum of middle-aged adults as well.

The two swimming pools are very low quality, even for swimming pools they suck. The water is hot, it's grimey and digustingly maintained.

We have the highest amount of parks in the entire country, but what the news doesn't tell you is the vast majority of them are poorly maintained, ugly, hotspots for criminal activity and meetings, filled with litter, beer bottles and user syringes. However, even the few gems we do have get boring very quickly, as most teens and young adults aren't interested in parks.

I'm under 18 so it's even harder as I can't join Meetup.com groups yet, but even the young adults here don't have much.

They have to rely on the one single (and cr*ppy/low quality/seedy) nightclub and the few dozen bars we have, and these places aren't ideal to meet relationship material, as most people of these establishments will want one-night stands or FWBs.

This city is a part of Australia's 'bible belt' and is very conservative. Racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. are all prevalent. The crime rate here is one of the highest in the country, as well as youth depression and substance abuse.

Interestingly, our youth and elderly rates are high, so we have a lot of young people here and elderly, but absolutely nothing caters to the youth. There is a lot here for the elderly and my Mum calls this place a 'retirement village' but the youth have jack-sh•t.

You tell me what one is supposed to do to meet someone here.

I can't go to the university here as my family is planning to move soon, it doesn't have the class I want to take, and it's expensive to transfer once my family does move.

Social interaction?

I've improved my social skills to a significant degree. My only real difficulties are my extreme anxiety to new situations or experiences.

Interestingly, as much as I enjoy social interaction, I seem to have Agoraphobia.

I have a fear of going places alone and it's this bad city to blame. Every time I leave the house, solo or with friends/family, we get rude looks, glares, or other kinds of trouble when all we do is mind our own business.

My Mum continues to tell me 'you get that everywhere, there are bad people everywhere'.

I agree, but what she doesn't seem to understand is that this city seems to be WORSE than most others.

A few weeks ago I was walking in the streets of a coastal city with a friend. It felt so much more quiet and peaceful, and everyone minded their own business instead of feeling the need to intrude on my life and give me death stares.

The city i use to live in, another coastal city with one of the lowest crime rates in the state, I also felt very comfortable going around in.



Do you have any plans to goto college? Because if so you will have A LOT of social opportunities to make friends and even get laid. IDK if it's the same in your country but the in the US, college coeds outnumber college d00ds. So if you're a guy, you have far less competition if you're college bound. 8)



Outrider
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05 Mar 2016, 3:48 am

I have plans to, but from the very beginning, Australian universities are far more academic focused.

There are some clubs/groups at some of the bigger universities, but still very few compared to American colleges.

Also, even if you choose to live on-campus, most Australian colleges are just a few large buildings with one or two set-up to be dorms and the others for classes.

It's not like the U.S., where universities can be the size of entire suburbs or, in the case of university towns, an entire town and there are actual streets within the campus.

There aren't frat houses here.

It's more an establishment here than anything else - the main building, the parking lot, the grounds/open-spaces, the dorm building/s, a football oval possibly (there's not usually sports though at most anyway, in fact I don't think a 'sports' scholarship or anything exists. You can study health/physical education but it's to be a sports coach/teacher and such, not an actual athlete.).



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05 Mar 2016, 5:49 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many people with autism have no trouble interacting online.

The problems arise, usually, when there is face-to-face interaction.

Well, the biggest difference form me is this... Online you can choose to respond to whatever happens to tickle your brain. In face-to-face interaction you have to pretend to be interested in a lot of stuff that you're just..... ummmm..... not really interested in. Also, strangers share more intimate details online due to anonymity. In real life people talk about the weather.... or sports. :shaking:

I just love that particular smiley. I don't understand why it only exists on this site.



Suumsuique
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05 Mar 2016, 3:03 pm

AR15000 wrote:
Suumsuique wrote:
AR15000 wrote:
Suumsuique wrote:
Spiderpig wrote:
Corollary -- If you're male and heterosexual, and didn't get started young, forget it---dating isn't for you and will never be.

Dating shouldnt be for anyone if you ask me, go spend time with people naturally rather than emphasised and superficially prepared with expectation.



This works for NTs and even some Aspies when you're young. But when you get older, it becomes harder and HARDER to meet people the natural way as you have fewer social opportunities.

And furthermore, you often have expectations that unconsciously reveal themselves through your body language that people pick up and respond negatively to so it doesn't work.

I'm sick of this piece of advice being given so many times ITF when most of us get nowhere with it. Online dating really works. It makes not difference that it's "artificial".

My advice still stands. Ill have to disagree with the suggestion that 'meeting people gets harder', meeting people is as easy as can be.. trying to force a relationship will get harder because people get smarter and start to see how foolish such a thing is.



Speak for yourself about meeting people. You and I live in 2 different countries. Here in America, working adults often find it more and more difficult to make new friends and find partners(if they're single). Many of them socialize primarily with the people they work with. UNLESS of course they belong to a religious congregation.

The reason you cannot force a relationship has nothing to do with people being "smarter"! It has to do with being DESPERATE.

I still say you have a naive, unrealistic view of the world and how it is for most of us Aspies. Meeting women in person can be easy if you're in places where people are friendly to you...but getting into a relationship or in the sack with them is another matter because a lot of women you meet won't find you attractive. And if they're not into you, it makes no f*cking difference if you're relaxed and chill. You need to put yourself in places where people who will actually find you attractive are likely to be found. And even then, it's hard to recognize when someone you meet is truly into you or just flirting/being friendly.

Dont act like i dont meet the same percieved problems im in the autistic spectrum aswell, i just dont give a crap about it frankly. Im not in a race to get a girlfriend and make some kind of 'optimal' self that has to consist of a female specimen on my arm. And normal type people have the same deal, they are 'indeed; either desperate to attain the superficial success-story or they arent and let nature run its course.

Its no argument to me to state that 'women arent attracted to us', and that comes from someone who is constantly being told by his friends that he sounds monotonous and comes off as weird because i do not make pointless jokes nor other 'silence killing' behavior. "Women" as a collective mindset dont exist, individuals do.. and alot of them dont know what they attracted to untill it stands in front of them. Normal people often dont know what expression to make themselves either, besides the problem isnt that were so bad at reading pointless subtleties nor that we would not care to apply them ourselves. The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring. Let it be your strenght, atleast you have something interesting to say rather than spend a week with every girlfriend and find out you're both empty shells.



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05 Mar 2016, 7:14 pm

Suumsuique wrote:
Dont act like i dont meet the same percieved problems im in the autistic spectrum aswell, i just dont give a crap about it frankly. Im not in a race to get a girlfriend and make some kind of 'optimal' self that has to consist of a female specimen on my arm. And normal type people have the same deal, they are 'indeed; either desperate to attain the superficial success-story or they arent and let nature run its course.



And letter nature 'run its course' can mean getting NOTHING at all. Ever. Now if you really don't give a crap, fine. It's all the same to me. But a big reason a lot of guys(Aspie & NT) do care is do to a little sumthin' that is brought to you by the letter 'L'. Some people on the spectrum are hyposexual, asexual(and some actually have no sexual desires at all and don't even masturbate). So it's not just about impressing others, it's about fulfilling your own desires and biological imperatives.



Quote:
Its no argument to me to state that 'women arent attracted to us', and that comes from someone who is constantly being told by his friends that he sounds monotonous and comes off as weird because i do not make pointless jokes nor other 'silence killing' behavior. "Women" as a collective mindset dont exist, individuals do.. and alot of them dont know what they attracted to untill it stands in front of them. Normal people often dont know what expression to make themselves either, besides the problem isnt that were so bad at reading pointless subtleties nor that we would not care to apply them ourselves. The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring. Let it be your strenght, atleast you have something interesting to say rather than spend a week with every girlfriend and find out you're both empty shells.


Regarding the last sentence, I'll take the compliment(I suppose). But I hate to break it to you that not being able to pick up on social cues and read non-verbal signals actually is a big weakness when it comes to meeting and interacting with women. You just have to work around it or hope you'll get lucky(assuming you're the type who wants it enough). I never implied women have a collective mindset, what I said is that there clearly ARE patterns in what >50% of women are attracted to and what they're repulsed by. Some women do like us but those women are much rarer and more difficult to find cuz many of them are introverted and reclusive.



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05 Mar 2016, 8:05 pm

Suumsuique wrote:
The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring.
No one here thinks they're entitled to a relationship. Funny how that accusation gets thrown around here a lot yet no one has ever personally said they're entitled to a partner.

The depressing part is when, rather than blaming the opposite sex for not giving you the partner you deserve (hint: no one does that) you blame such failings on yourself. e.g. when you know women aren't anti-men because other guys have girlfriends so the fault must lie with yourself. Then you start to see yourself as defective. This isn't entitlement, it's something far deadlier, self-loathing.


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05 Mar 2016, 8:29 pm

American colleges are academically-inclined as well....in addition to being places where intelligent discourse is possible.

Same as Australian universities, in that sense.



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05 Mar 2016, 9:21 pm

Outrider wrote:
It's not like the U.S., where universities can be the size of entire suburbs or, in the case of university towns, an entire town and there are actual streets within the campus.
There are too universities like that in Australia.


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Outrider
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05 Mar 2016, 10:51 pm

Lol where?



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05 Mar 2016, 11:03 pm

Australian large universities are like their own towns. They have their own postcodes and that. Its quite huge. For instance I go to University of Queensland. It have over 50,000 students. 8 colleges. 250 clubs and societies. The university itself is in suburb of St Lucia. It span over large area.

University of NSW, Sydney, Melbourne, Monash and Macquarie are other large universities that are easily comparable to the US colleges.

I have been to the US as well. I went to UW @ Madison. Its quite large and complex. I know there are of plenty universities across the states are familiar to Australian ones.

But there is a difference between ours and then US ones. Our colleges are more alcoholic than American ones. In the US, people are too busy working to get paid, because our fee system is different. Our government pay our fees, hence lazy drunken college students. Americans are like workaholic rather than alcoholic.



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06 Mar 2016, 12:02 am

True.

Well I know for a fact USQ Toowoomba, Griffith Gatton, USQ Ipswich, JCU Cairns, Brisbane SAE, are all fricken tiny - have seen them all.

It's not really worth living on campus if all that means is class is the next building over when there's no streets/it's not neighborhood-sized.

I see living on-campus as feeling like living somewhere else to your home, like another town or whatever. Feeling like you're living in a unit when your house is in the same city, you might as well live off-campus.

I know U.S. colleges can be the size of an entire town, where the entire town is quite figuratively the campus.

And yeah, University of QLD is what i'm talking about. Looks like there are some.

It's just, being in the small location I am, the universities we end up with are the tinier ones.



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06 Mar 2016, 1:34 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Suumsuique wrote:
The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring.
No one here thinks they're entitled to a relationship. Funny how that accusation gets thrown around here a lot yet no one has ever personally said they're entitled to a partner.

The depressing part is when, rather than blaming the opposite sex for not giving you the partner you deserve (hint: no one does that) you blame such failings on yourself. e.g. when you know women aren't anti-men because other guys have girlfriends so the fault must lie with yourself. Then you start to see yourself as defective. This isn't entitlement, it's something far deadlier, self-loathing.



Self-loathing is definitely self-sabotaging. But an example of the entitlement mentality would be trying(in vain) to guilt trip someone into dating you who is not attracted to you for some reason. It really pisses people off. You cannot control what others do nor do you have a *right* to. So if someone is not into you just move on and do not try to argue with them about it.

The fault lies not with you, but with whom you are pursuing. Get my drift?



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06 Mar 2016, 1:47 pm

AR15000 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Suumsuique wrote:
The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring.
No one here thinks they're entitled to a relationship. Funny how that accusation gets thrown around here a lot yet no one has ever personally said they're entitled to a partner.

The depressing part is when, rather than blaming the opposite sex for not giving you the partner you deserve (hint: no one does that) you blame such failings on yourself. e.g. when you know women aren't anti-men because other guys have girlfriends so the fault must lie with yourself. Then you start to see yourself as defective. This isn't entitlement, it's something far deadlier, self-loathing.



Self-loathing is definitely self-sabotaging. But an example of the entitlement mentality would be trying(in vain) to guilt trip someone into dating you who is not attracted to you for some reason. It really pisses people off. You cannot control what others do nor do you have a *right* to. So if someone is not into you just move on and do not try to argue with them about it.

The fault lies not with you, but with whom you are pursuing. Get my drift?


Who here is trying to guilt trip people into going out with them?



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06 Mar 2016, 3:57 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
AR15000 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Suumsuique wrote:
The problem is when you start to think that thats a weakness, that we are entitled to a person and sabotaged by our different way of wiring.
No one here thinks they're entitled to a relationship. Funny how that accusation gets thrown around here a lot yet no one has ever personally said they're entitled to a partner.

The depressing part is when, rather than blaming the opposite sex for not giving you the partner you deserve (hint: no one does that) you blame such failings on yourself. e.g. when you know women aren't anti-men because other guys have girlfriends so the fault must lie with yourself. Then you start to see yourself as defective. This isn't entitlement, it's something far deadlier, self-loathing.



Self-loathing is definitely self-sabotaging. But an example of the entitlement mentality would be trying(in vain) to guilt trip someone into dating you who is not attracted to you for some reason. It really pisses people off. You cannot control what others do nor do you have a *right* to. So if someone is not into you just move on and do not try to argue with them about it.

The fault lies not with you, but with whom you are pursuing. Get my drift?


Who here is trying to guilt trip people into going out with them?


Nobody. And there's no need to get defensive, brah. Just trying to give helpful advice.



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06 Mar 2016, 5:39 pm

Ecomatt91 wrote:
But there is a difference between ours and then US ones. Our colleges are more alcoholic than American ones. In the US, people are too busy working to get paid, because our fee system is different. Our government pay our fees, hence lazy drunken college students. Americans are like workaholic rather than alcoholic.
How can those Americans study effectively and get good grades if they're not well rested? Working extremely long hours causes mental performance to decrease as fatigue sets in so if every day consists of hours of class, hours of study/writing and hours of work at their job I find it difficult to understand how they can maintain a good GPA and not go crazy from overwork.


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