My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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Not to be a total pain, but could you direct me to rdos's explanation? I'd like to go read it...

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your friend. I've realized that two people can try to communicate but still not understand each other; unfortunately it's ultimately unsustainable.

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I totally agree. I can't communicate via ESP no matter how much he wants me to. He just frustrates me.

Why do you keep asking me this?

And don't call me "darling."

My partner has Aspergers and it's freaking amazing.

Because I have the impression that you need one but that's fine.....honestly I forgot that I asked you this twice .

Ok, Princess.

(Hey, it's part of your username, before you jump down my throat)

To be fair, there's also no scientific evidence that anyone can communicate without ESP. Everyone trusts the subconscious to varying degrees.

Even so. It's not really working for us lol.

I don't understand the staring. I don't know what he wants. Reassurance I guess? But I don't know how to give that.

I don't know if you have any intention of coming back to this thread, but as mom to an Aspie and a married woman who dated extensively before my own marriage, I have some observations that may or may not have already been discussed (I haven't read every word of every post, either by you or in response).

First, I have a simple question: have you ever ASKED him how he feels? My son and I agreed on one thing after discussing his earliest experiences in the dating world: he was going to have be blunt, and tell the women he is with that they have to be blunt. An Aspie guy is not a person you can expect to read signals, or to give you signals, so there is only one remedy: ASK. Point blank. Take the risk. My son has been in a relationship with a young woman since last spring and that was one of the first things they set out as a ground rule: TALK. Be specific. They joke about all their early misunderstandings; they can't even agree on which outing was their first actual date; but it comes down to the same point: the only way to know they are on the same page is to be specific.

Second, nothing you do can change who he is and nothing you do can change who you are. You each come with your own built in needs and limitations. You can care the world for someone and still realize that those needs and limitations are never going to match up. Some relationships are just not meant to be. That is what some of the others earlier in the thread seemed to be trying to tell you: if he isn't meeting your needs, why are you still pursuing it? Because of what you've done for him? That isn't a basis for a relationship; its just what people who think well of other people do for them when they can. I'll be honest, he may not even realize how much you've done. If he does realize it, of course he appreciates it, but appreciation doesn't magically make someone capable of meeting needs they don't know how to meet.

Someone like my son brings a mixed bag to relationships. He is never going to do cute little things or remember the social niceties. Even though he's been taught to do many of them he has never seen the point and, thus, never really integrated those practices. But he is also incredibly smart, loyal and loving, and the one you can count on to be there every time you ASK him to be there. So I laugh about the birthday cards that never arrive and the fact that someone always has to secretly remind him to make birthday calls (which reminds me I should find out when the girlfriend's birthday so I can program that reminder!), and then beam with pride that he took a day off school to attend the funeral of an aunt he has only met a few times, and graciously talked to all of the sea of old people he time to. He is always going to try to do the right thing, when he knows what the right things is. To me it is an acceptable mix, but I know that isn't true for everyone.

Even among "normal" people there is HUGE range of differences when it comes to what people expect and need in relationships. Your needs are not the next person's needs, and theirs aren't yours. Some couples wear matching outfits and touch every waking moment; others are happy spending quality time together once a week. All of those options are "normal" in their own way. There is no one set way for anyone to "be" in a relationship.

You either are interested in what the person has to offer or you are not. Yes, people bend in relationships and help each other become their better selves, but no one wise goes into relationships knowing that a large need will never be met. When you fall for someone you think hard about what they have to offer and how much of that fits wants, and how much fits needs. Sometimes your realize that things you thought you needed are only wants and, thus, relatively easily dispensed with. Sometimes your realize things you thought were wants are actually needs. Regardless, part of building a relationship is figuring out if the relationship is "right" for you, and that is a very individual process.

So. Think hard about if this person could ever meet your needs. And when it comes to the questions driving you mad: ASK.