How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

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Exactly.

Around here 'narcissists', 'sociopaths' and 'psychopaths' all seem to be acceptable punching bags, entirely based on someone choosing to label those people as such. It rarely, if ever, seems to be based on a diagnosis (especially given that psychopath and sociopath aren't diagnostic labels to begin with) and mostly just seems to serve as an acceptable slander to make, one that justifies all further attacks.

It always comes off as a method to poison the well when discussing an interaction involving another party who isn't here to give their perspective. All and all it usually seems like the intent in those cases is to start a circle jerk where the self-proclaimed virtuous victim doesn't have to consider that they might actually be the as*hole or that both parties might share the as*hole status.

I have used the term “psychopath” when referring to my abusive ex because saying “abusive ex” doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t know what else to say. It gets tricky. Those terms are thrown around all too often though. I agree with that.

My exh was diagnosed NPD in our custody assessment, so I call him that.
My abuser was diagnosed with psychopathy by court psychologists, so I say that.

I agree not all people with specific diagnoses are abusive.
I like TP's idea that the thread should be about avoiding abusers.

I think mine was being assessed for ASPD, but I’m not sure if he was given the label or not. He does have all the symptoms for it.

I don't want to sound like I'm not understanding of how regular language impacts how we all speak. After all, we've probably both used the phrase oh my god despite being atheists.

I feel like in someways narcissist, sociopath and psychopath can be compared to ret*d, except that people sympathize enough with the intellectually impaired to question if the r-bomb should be thrown around as an insult. Since the other three terms are associated with people that are harder to sympathize with it's easier for them to remain in use as pop-psy jargon and insults, but they're still used in the same general way.

I don't blame you for being insulting or demeaning to that monster, I just wish there were more precise terms to use (and that terms would remain precise instead of becoming fuzzier over time).

Agreed, although I feel like it's the OP's prerogative to decide what their thread is about.

Of course.

I just meant, "ideally", or if I had made the thread myself.

Yeah, more precise terms would be helpful. An “abuser” could be appropriately used to describe someone who regularly engages in milder behaviors that are harmful/hurtful but not necessarily extreme. (I don’t want to be minimizing anything here! It’s hard to talk about. I guess I see it as a spectrum of behavior.)

Maybe if there were other terms, the labels wouldn’t be used so much. Of course, maybe at this point, less stigmatizing words for the disorders are needed. Language is tricky.

Thanks for calling him a “monster.” He is one. That could be a good option.

That has literally been me. I’ve been so nice and I frequently overshare on my first date and I often got rejected for being “too nice”

Or because I info/trauma dumped, something that has been recent. I have been doing that as I only want to date and be in a relationship with someone who isn’t judgy, ableist, or care too much about their image.

I’ve experienced constant rejection because of my kindness, or trying too hard.

The reason I have been info in trauma dumping about myself on the first date is because I don’t want to get rejected being more than halfway into a relationship, and I want to find a partner who is kind and understanding.

I recently got into a relationship with a very toxic person who was constantly dumping me, then saying she’ll give me another chance getting into a relationship, but then constantly treating me like s**t, and whenever we would talk on the phone, I would record them, especially when they’re treating me poorly in order to catch them gaslighting me.

I despise narcissists because I grew up surrounded by narcissists and know their Modus Operandi. While I’m able to spot a narcissist easier because of my experience in living with them, might need for constant reassurance and fear of being rejected either for friendship or relationship often leads me to experience abuse while knowing that I’m being mistreated and not do anything about it until I’ve had enough.

I am now 32 years old and I’ve only been in two relationships one with a very toxic person, and the other with very controlling parents, and they themselves were not mentally stable either as they had BPD as well as other mental health issues through no fault of their own.

I often go into great detail, when explaining things, because people always misunderstand me when I do not go into detail.

I just hope to find a partner that will treat me like a person and someone I can relate to.

Thank you for your posts Wrong Planeteers related to the 'Feeling Insecure' sub-topic thread, they are really appreciated

I have posted the first video related to 'How to Avoid Dating a Narcissist':

Last edited by knowingtheautist on 05 Feb 2024, 8:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The problem with using abuser and narcissist synonymously is that they're not actually synonyms and it's deeply dishonest to pretend as though they are.

While it might be unfair to speculate over what diagnostic labels might apply to someone who both behaves in such a way and refuses to consider criticism over their choice to behave in such a way, it would be completely in keeping with the nature of the thread, which is to dehumanize and label people as narcissists regardless of if they actually meet the diagnostic criteria.

I'm not saying you're a narcissist, I'm just saying you're raising some red flags.

Thank you for your kind feedback funeralxempire,

I have edited the thread to remove the part where that could raise the red flags.

I agree it was a little dehumanizing and I respect everyone for who they are.

I used to attract them as a magnet but finally now I think I have developed radars for them. I can sense them in time, sometimes even before getting engaged with them, at all.

Watch if your date is overly friendly, charming and if she/he is pushing you too fast into anything that is not your rythm or anything that you don't want. Also check if they respect your boundaries and you must have them. Watch if they always present themselves as victims, if they speak nasty about their ex or friends, if they gossip, if they are oportunists. If they make you feel bad about yourself, if they start to control you. These are all red flags.

One major red flag is if they say they love you shortly after starting dateing or if they want to marry you that fast.

This is a good one.
In particular if they're constantly accusing the people around them of being narcissists or behaving in ways consistent with narcissism.

If (from their perspective) everyone is constantly being petty, selfish and unfair, there's a good chance the problem is the perspective, not the other people's behaviour. This (as near as I can tell) seems to be a failure of ToM and is a common shared trait of people who might be narcissistic, a lot of people with ASD and children. It usually seems to boil down to not being able to or not wanting to consider why someone else had to take priority over themselves.

That's not to suggest that people like that will never have valid reasons to complain about how others have treated them, it's mostly a matter of how often those reasons emerge. If someone is constantly being wronged, it's worth considering that they might be considering far too many interactions to have been slights.

Some people are legitimately wronged a lot, though. People who’ve been abused in childhood are more likely to experience abuse as adults. Autistics in particular are more likely to experience abusive relationships. A more obvious red flag in my opinion is how people engage with others despite their experiences. It’s a problem when someone makes every situation about themselves and why they have it worse than everyone else. With my ex even in the beginning, whenever I’d talk about something I was struggling with at the time, he’d, without fail, one-up it to prove that he had it worse/was more of a victim/was more deserving of support. Me, me, ME!! Then instead of him offering support for something I was currently struggling with, the focus was on him. The focus was always on him. This is just something I wish I would’ve been more aware of in the beginning.

Absolutely, some people are legitimately wronged, but usually not by the majority of the people they interact with. I don't think describing being wronged is a red flag, it's mostly when they seem to be the bulk of someone's interactions that I'd consider it a red flag. I'd also pay attention to what exactly sets them off, if everything is a mountain despite sounding like a mole-hill, that would be a further sign (for me).

I think you're on to another side of this to watch for though. That need to constantly one-up people seems like a major red flag. It's also one of those things that someone might display in a bunch of different ways, whether it's like what you describe where it's negative experiences and struggles, or with positive accomplishments, etc.