How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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Updated comment from my partner. ^
Sorry for the swears it's been a long week.

He's flexing his man muscle lol

I'm saddened that anyone takes umbrage at my observations.
Someone's not seeing it from my perspective.
Sure I'm tall and was passably cute, but that was offset with clumsy, awkward and geeky.

I was a horny aspie who had mostly hung with older kids and adults. I appealed to older women because I didn't behave like a teenager. The conventionally attractive girls at school always treated me with... Disdain? And since I remember people by their movements and mannerisms rather than their faces, and top of my "intriguing" hierarchy is smile (directed at me), eyes that don't scream at me and laughter. Legs long enough to be able to reach my face is a bonus, sure...but my main follow up to a first impression is how they interact with me, and that requires some conversational skills and enough knowledge to pretend to appreciate my abstruse humour.
I confess my size and privileged perspective as a member of the (wrongly) dominant gender renders me a safety that will allow me to rely on a 5 minute assessment, but I ask your boyfriend this.
If someone as useless at body language as I am can make repeated accurate assessments (if they'd stuck around), why can't he?

He does make accurate assessments.
That's my point.

He knew who wanted to stick around.
That didn't mean he liked them.

He had a very short window of dating, pre- wife.
He met his wife in high school and married her in uni.

When he was widowed he didn't date for a few years.
He was in grief and trauma counselling.

He was still working full-time too, with many women.
Women like lonely widowed men.
It's like an aphrodisiac apparently because they have emotions.

He didn't want to date the work friends.
None were "the one" and he knew it from their friendships.

He liked a woman in his grief-share but that's discouraged.
He also decided she was too vulnerable so he didn't pursue it.

Then he retired and moved thousands of miles to become a hermit.
Enter Isabella, stage left.
He knew before I did.


*My own certainty was incremental, but took about 10-12 months.
The delay was because of a heaping helping of trauma on my part.
Then I had to reevaluate again very seriously in 2022.
We both reevaluated in 2023, including a four-month split.

I want him to continually choose yes too.
I'd hate to be someone's stagnant choice.

For me, someone needs to show their "age" to a limited extent by reaching milestones one would expect. A car helps a lot too because almost universally, it becomes a major source of annoyance how the occasional "lift" becomes being a personal chauffeur.

By the first date I get a good idea of whether someone has potential and obviously from there, it's whether we click with personalities which also usually happens by the first or second date.

What does being "the one" mean to you, presuming you've had lots of second dates with various "the ones"?

So let's tie this thread up.
Find "the one" is not the end, leading to a happily ever after. Just because you are invested in this person. the other person still needs to reciprocate. If there is an unequal level of enthusiasm then it creates an asymmetry in the relationship. For men, you need to bring more to the table (even if she says she loves you for whom you are). this means continually bettering yourself, so be prepared to apply for jobs and look for promotions.

Or maybe avoid dating people who care about jobs and promotions. There are a lot of members here who are on disability and likely to remain so. Many women do not care about that stuff. Sure, some do, but maybe they aren’t people you’d want in your life anyway. I know some guys wouldn’t want to date me for a few reasons. That’s okay because we obviously wouldn’t be compatible in terms of outlooks and goals.

If they're left for me, they're probably right for me.