Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

Post Reply New Topic

It was Daniel Jason's third felony conviction for stalking, terrorizing, threatening & harassing his ex-gf and the long sentence was 100% justified:

http://thegazette.com/subject/opinion/b ... s-20140531

The appropriateness of the punishment is wildly debatable. I disagree?long-term care in a psychiatric facility would do him and society the most good.

But, thing is, that's all completely irrelevant. It's still a pretty terrible example and has nothing to do with this topic. He got a slap on the wrist the first go-round. If he was a NT, the hope is that a slap on the wrist is enough to send the message. I was in a brief relationship with someone who'd break up with me, say she still loved me, go out with some other guy, say she loved me, and vanish for days at a time. So?yeah, I ended up calling her repeatedly, sending her IM's, and the like. Yeah, I obsessed over her and moped around in a depressed daze half the time. I remember staying up all hours of the night waiting for her to call me back. When I woke up the next day, I was, like?what HAPPENED to me? I never called her again after that. Yeah, she'd eventually end up calling me a few times, and we stayed in contact off and on for about 9 months after that. But I wasn't the one calling her.

Let's suppose I didn't leave her alone before it was too late. She probably could have called the cops on me a dozen times over and just chose not to. But suppose she did call the cops. I'd get arrested, go to court, pay a fine, and never approach her again. I'd learn my lesson. Even if SHE called ME I wouldn't answer the phone because I'd be worried about getting set up.

That's how it's SUPPOSED to work. Assuming no mental illness, Daniel Jason completely disregarded the law. He doesn't get to say he wasn't warned. And extortion on top of that? The thing about extortion is it works if you back it up when people call your bluff. It works when everyone keeps quiet. And Daniel Jason didn't really have any leverage to even commit extortion. He got called on it, the girl went to the cops. Geez?if you MUST be a criminal, you have to do a lot better than that.

The solution is simple: Just don't freakin' break the law!! !

Anyway?I'm just ranting at this point. Daniel Jason knew better, broke the law anyway. This has what to do with fading???

Just popping in to say I'm not sure WHY for sure that it's become a socially acceptable norm.. but, I find myself on the receiving end of it as well as sometimes doing it to others on chats on various dating sites.

Again, I think it's the new norm of online dating sites and apps that has made it such a norm as it's all too easy and convenient to reject someone without having to reject them by just ghosting out of their lives entirely.

It would be nice if everyone I ever messaged at least replied to say they're not interested, however, their lack of response communicates volumes - specifically that they're not interested lol. Obviously it goes both ways.. I don't reply to messages from people I have zero interest in, so I can't really expect that others will reply to me.

*shrug* It's just one of those "it is what it is," sort of things & a part of dating communication in the internet age that's spilled over into real life w/ people meeting up, realizing someone isn't for them, and then ghosting vs. using any other form of communication to relay that message. I'm guilty of having done it to others so I guess I can't complain.

It's all just a big numbers game of statistical probabilities.. eventually I'll meet someone I click with that clicks with me and we'll end up in a relationship. I have to have that sort of positive outlook on the whole thing.. in part because it's already been my experience with making the closest friend I have in my life right now and for the last few years after chatting online and meeting up. I know first hand that those sorts of one in a million people are out there and that I have met some that have become the sorts of friends I'll have for the rest of my life, and that eventually I'll meet one with more of a mutual romantic interest in mind.. no matter how many people ghost me or I ghost, it's just a simple "next!" until I meet the right one.

Unbelievably scary, creepy & beyond overentitled.

rainydaykid- how do you think you would react if someone you didn't want to find out where you lived came knocking on your door? And when you asked that person how they found out, they told you "Oh, I just googled your name and the address showed up"?

It's kind of a self-fulling prophesy: If your behavior is so very off that a girl is legitimately scared of a guy and ghosts him for THAT VERY REASON, then him googling her address & showing up at her house confirms she was 100% right to ghost h in the first place!

I have to admit I agree here.

OK?let's be honest?it's not like I've never google-stalked anyone. It's not as though you can't take one or two clues and find out a lot about someone if you're interested in them or just curious about them. But figuring out things based on public information and actually showing up on her doorstep are two different things. If someone is genuinely disturbed by you, or if you come across as creepy or unstable, you can't blame them for making you a non-entitee. This is definitely crossing a line.

I guess ghosting is found acceptable because its really hard to punish someone for ghosting.

In my case, she just assumed I should understand why she was upset with me, having explained some previously, and I would be able to understand that she didn't want to be my friend anymore via blocking me on Facebook. Unfortunately, I just got more upset and started losing control. I still think she should of acted differently, and somehow I feel that makes her partially responsible for how I have been behaving. I am not really right, but she does feel guilt about how she dealt with things.

Its hard, not contacting her. I still feel some kind of connection, even though my behavior probably ruined it. I only seem to last so long before I have an additional breakdown and start contacting her again. Acceptance is hard under any circumstances, but it seems I have been trained to only behave for something in return. Makes it really hard to let go.

You didn't technically get ghosted -- you were given a reason and didn't like/accept/agree with it.

You are responsible for your actions -- blaming your actions on the girl? Contacting her, repeatedly, after you've been told in no uncertain terms to go away? Not cool.

Yes, you wrecked it. Leave the poor girl alone.

Some people need to ghost this thread.

Leaving her alone is a really good idea. Like, two disciplinary hearings at my school and being threatened with a court order good idea. Though I don't like the guy who said the next step was a court order and I don't believe she would do that anyway. I continued to contact her hoping she would get a court order.

Though to nitpick, she didn't explain why she was really upset when she blocked me, so it was a kind of ghosting to me. Took a third-person flame war with her here which I will not be linking to figure out that she though finding a blatantly obvious profile here was cyberstalking. We almost made up and we said hi to each other at a group meeting after that, which she initiated, and kind of startled me because she didn't RSVP. I sent a message, but she decided that posting here was a better way to deal with things than actually talking to me, even saying she still thought of me as a close friend. Even found me posting here kind of annoying for a while.

Of course, she said we could talk about things when I approached her at an orchestra rehearsal, but she ended up going to the Dean of Student's office. The guy who contacted me, through an incompetent aide, didn't really feel like explaining things much and was more concerned with gathering information and giving a verdict. Which in a way goes against that Office's goal of education. I asked him to explain what I did was wrong, but he doesn't think I need to know. Even said he would answer my questions afterwards at our first meeting. The girl said in a post here that she felt guilty about getting the Dean of Student's involved, but that it was okay because at least I then knew that my behavior wasn't appropriate.

Problem was I still thought she didn't understand her own feelings towards me. Which in a way turned out being true, I still saw her in orchestra and through aspie group meetings, and when she got in a fight with her then boyfriend, she really seemed to be warming up to me. Don't ask me why I think this, but I think she started having feelings for me again. I thought she would at least talk to me. She was definitely warming up to me again. Maybe we could have been friends again. Before the last orchestra meeting of the year, she ended up making up with her long distance boyfriend, and ended up deciding to just ignore me, and try and talk about it publicly to get me to go away. I haven't really recovered since then.

I, being me, had a mental breakdown and started contacting her again, which ended up with my first disciplinary hearing. Even then she seemed more concerned I was suicidal and needed help. Though she did indirectly state that she wanted me to stop contacting her and my behavior was inappropriate. At that hearing was when I actually got to say something about why she got upset with me. It was stupid really, and I think she had second thoughts about why she originally got upset. Though there is still the issue of all my unsolicited communication towards her. I have had trouble handling all the emotional stress.

It was somewhat easier past that point, I kinda got carried away at an aspie group meeting past that and we were pretty much conversing in a friendly manner. She hasn't posted as much here on WrongPlanet, even stopped after her last couple posts. At least, on her original account. Her last couple posts here seemed pretty much aimed at me, were even written right after I rang her phone, I was depressed at the time. Her posting upset me though, that she still wouldn't communicate with me directly. Had a breakdown resulting in another hearing. She didn't say much at the last hearing. She said she didn't have any other complaint with me other than me contacting her directly. I decided not to discuss much of what I had been through at that second hearing, and I am upset with myself about it. I graduated, and she had started avoiding me around that time.

I really need to quit rambling though. I just want to talk about what I have been going through. Its nice to get things out there, and try and rethink things. So many unanswered questions. I really need to leave her alone though. I have had breakdown's repeatedly since leaving school and being off probation there. I might need to follow The_Face_of_Boo's advice and ghost this thread. I shouldn't blame her for not taking the actions I though I should have. I feel so guilty. I tried to explain what I was going through to her, and it just seemed to make her more upset. She was my first true friend, and I miss her, and I should take responsibility for ruining things.

^ Jesus!!

And I am not even Christian.

Jesus loves you anyway. He sends hugs.

I think my problem is I keep on trying to force a response form her. At least, that is what my communication is like. I can see if she doesn't want to respond, that could make her uncomfortable. Still somewhat upset about some of her behavior though. I need to mostly keep it to myself depending on the conditions.

Its really hard accepting that someone does not want to even explain or discuss things with you anymore. Especially when they are talking about you on a public forum. I have learned to just ignore people when they get angry at me, its just not worth trying to argue. Live and let live sort of thing. I do what I can, and if people have a problem with it its not my fault.

"Problem was I still thought she didn't understand her own feelings towards me"

Really? Reeeeally?!? Reeeeally?!

OMFG. Her feelings for you were made crystal clear -- via the dean's office and disciplinary hearingS. Multiple hearings.

You don't get to decide HER feelings.

Your thoughts on her feelings do not overrule HER crystal-clear messages that are "go away, you scare me, leave me alone".

Yes, you screwed up.

No, you were not ghosted. You were told to go away in no uncertain terms.

You screwed up to the point that the girl? Told every single person she knew how creeped out by your AWFUL, stalker-like and seriously scary behavior.

You. Were. Not. Ghosted.