Why is Asperger's unattractive?

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a bit and to be honestly mostly one way since often usa shows are sent overseas, but besides a few british shows we don't import much shows.

USA culture is quite different than say where boo lives or even australia or new zealand.

having talked to people from other nations if it wasn't for the anti gun laws and being poor I'd probably move to some. but that's never going happen so I'm stuck here. I'd also miss my family and be very lonely.
but their nations sound way way way better then the usa at least for dating .





odd as most people here seem to give the opposite advice and say stop looking and wait and love will find you .

That's funny, the main reason that I would never want live in the US is because of how gun liberal it is



I might be odd, because I truly believe that for someone to be able to find love they have to be truly open for it and make a decision to work for it. For me working for it meant, trying to look at how I think, how my thoughts were counterproductive, prepared myself for the possibility of being let down and that would be ok, and being open minded. I've always been my own worst enemy, so I decided to try to ignore my fears and it worked for me.

This is exactly what I do: I focus on my strengths - learning languages, studying linguistics, etc... things people would consider nerdy stuff. When I think about myself, I usually think that my professionalism is quite attractive (just like House's in the TV series), and I also consider myself good-looking (actually, people also consider me good-looking), but when it comes to dating, it all falls into pieces.

EXACTLY.

I've never agreed with the 'do your own thing' advice.

I have my reasons but I think they have all been done here.

The fact that your interests might be so obscure or rare that you'll never find someone who shares your interests, the fact that not all interests will guarantee you meet someone nice of the opposite sex (what with gender dominant interests), etc.

I've gotten this advice all the time - 'Work on making your life good, be happy, do your own thing, hobbies and interests, etc. and if you meet someone and find love along the way, great. Don't worry about love or relationships AT ALL"

It's a trap.

What did I spend my high school life doing?

Every. Single. Weekend and holiday. alone. at home. with no one but my family. or the small number of male-only friends I had.

I DID try my own thing, I DO have my own hobbies and interests.

I sit around at home, on the computer, making music or writing stories. I'm also interested in acting, but haven't tried any plays yet.

But yeah it just doesn't work. I begin to realize just how much I've wasted my teen years inside, having 'fun' with my hobbies. The only form of social contact I get is fans of my stuff...

You could say we shouldn't CARE about being in a relationship, but that is a very unrealistic thing to say.

It is not only the US. I live in Hungary (a small country in the middle of Europe), and although commercialism is not as big a thing here as in Western countries, women always like the loudest, most visible guys. We have a saying here: "The stronger dog f***s." It is always the survival of the fittest, as AVGNFan112 said. In human society, the fittest means those who are succesful in the things that society values. Nonconformism has never been a value anywhere in the world, except in my head. My own definition of the fittest is a different story. I usually think that I am the fittest, because I have to survive in a society that is not my own. It is easy for others, they just go with the flow. I am the one who has to swim against the current. So this way, I use my failures to prove my point and build my self-image. I know it's not the right thing, because I get so fixated on failure that I cannot accept anything else, but I don't know any other way.

That is not always true. I consider my nonconformist, sometimes antisocial attitude the worst thing that holds me back from being attractive. But I wouldn't change it for a million dollars. I would rather be alone my whole life than pretend that I am an easygoing party person. Being alone feels bad, but becoming someone I'm not feels far worse (I know because I've been there).

Please don't consider my comment a sign of attraction or anything, but I wish I'll meet a woman like you one day.

This feminine/masculine stereotype thing is really an issue (especially here in Eastern Europe). I work out every day (although I'm not muscular), I occasionally practise medieval swordsmanship, I have long hair, I usually wear my leather jacket, but I occasionally get comments and questions about my sexual orientation (they baffle me every time). Maybe because I'm not that "look who I am" type of guy, who knows...

Is it weird that I'm drooling at your description of yourself?

Actually this is the nicest thing I've been told in a long time.

Well physically attractive, it just depends on how one presents themselves, I would say; and also ones natural appearance. I take care of my appearance on a very basic level (keep myself at a healthy weight; brush my teeth; ect.). And while I'm pretty asocial and I don't have all that much evidence to base this on, my physical appearance is apparently highly attractive to the opposite sex. I've been told as much several times during my life, and I've been hit on quite frequently while out in public (although I'm terrified of dealing with people in person that I don't know; especially the opposite sex; so this is problematic).

As for having an attractive personality, I can't say how it is for women with AS, but for men with AS, I would say our condition tends to give us some resemblance to "creepers." Lack of social graces and trouble telling where personal boundaries can be crossed is an extremely unattractive trait for a guy, especially during initial interactions. And our tendency to appear egocentric, yah, another serious issue.

As for how I, as a guy, view the personality of women with AS, I've only met one (undiagnosed; but when I entertained the idea that she might be AS, she researched it all on her own and became convinced that she was AS), but she's the only person I have ever found attractive on a personality level.

I dont believe that waiting for love will work for everybody. In fact, a lot of dating gurus recommend the opposite-put yourself out there, date and meet as many people as possible. Many people in my area married their high school sweethearts so they dont have to put themselves out there. I want dating to be no hassle, low fuss like how it is for people around me, but thats unrealistic for me.

Having hobbies can be good for meeting people up to a point. Its easy for me to get lost in an activity and not notice people. It helps increase my skill set in the activity, but its easy to miss connecting with someone. If I want to do x, I do x. Socialization falls to wayside even if im around people. Ive been walking a bridge for years. Not a single friend or bf, only a stalker.

It really depends on the severity of your Asperger's.
Many of us have such trouble connecting with others on all levels and lack interests in normal stuff that everyone else likes.

With that plus our difficulty or outright inability to pick up on social cues, we just aren't desirable/attractive.
We Aspies also have a need to wander off by ourselves, which makes it that much worse.

Human relationships are rooted in the fundamentals of connecting with others.

Wil I ever date...? It would take a very special person to sweep me off my feet.
I'm not bothered by the fact I might not ever date, with only having a few close friends and a close relative or two!
I prefer quality over quantity, and rather not waste my time spending it with people who really don't want me around.
I'd honestly rather have a dog or two, than be in a relationship that isn't working all that well.

I honestly know quite a few people who need to be in relationships, even if they miserable in them, they just cannot standing being "alone"...

Again, most of the people who tell you to "wait for love" are women, and again, if you're a woman, that may be a reliable strategy in the long run. If you're a man, however, it simply isn't.

Fun story, I once went to a support group for high-functioning Autistics (I didn't wanna go, but my mother wouldn't leave me alone until I did). Unsurprisingly, when I got there, I found that all the monitors/caretakers were all female, and the people there were almost exclusively male, like myself. I only went to two meetings before I quit. (Again) unsurprisingly, the topic of dating and relationships came up more than any other, and when it did, the women in charge of the group either did their best to change the subject (needless to say, with Aspies, that didn't work very often), and when they were forced to discuss the subject, spouted mindless platitudes with no real meaning. There was only one who tried giving us any "real" advice on the subject, and it fell very much along those same lines of just "try to make yourself visible and wait for someone to approach you".

Again, not a terrible piece of advice to give a woman, but I can hardly think of a worst suggestion to give to a man. And when I told her exactly that, she became really offended. She asked to talk to me after the rest of the group had left, and we got into a bit of an argument, she said she was doing her best and trying to help us, I told her that was all fine and dandy, but that she and her colleagues just didn't have the expertise or the know-how to help us, and that their advice would end up doing more harm than good... and it kinda escalated from there. Needless to say, I didn't return to that group and I very much doubt they're still even meeting. But hey, no great loss.

For yourself, or anyone interested: If you'd like to read a 98 page book that really delves into this in a blunt & brutal way, I highly recommend the philosophy book "Might is Right" (aka Survival of the Fittest) by Ragnar Redbeard. It's more about the constant competition & warfare of man in order to succeed, but definitely touches on might's influence on relationships. IMO, it's eye opening and fantastic. Warning: It's pretty brutal.. and also incredibly racist - but I read it for the might is right philosophy, not the white is right parts.

I agree with you in that I wouldn't suggest pretending anything. Rather, my suggestion is to actually change who you are for the better vs. the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality.

In my example, I've actually changed - changed all of the things I mentioned, as well as figured out how to treat & minimize my ASD symptoms so that I AM a different/better/improved version of myself vs. merely acting, which would be exhausting and frustrating.

Figured I'd reply to both of these at once since they're pretty similar.

At 32 years old, I've never really dated save for a couple weeks when I was 17 & some.. fwb's.

After several deep and meaningful conversations with close friends, I agree more and more with the "do what makes you happy" mantra & that eventually, while just being me doing my thing and being happy, I'll meet someone I click with.

As I said, I haven't had much of a dating/relationship life.. just a sex life. But at this point in my life that's become.. almost.. boring? I'd rather meet someone I actually care about to have a relationship with. Much more quality over quantity. I'm hoping to meet my next prospect this Summer when they're coming through town, but beyond that I spend my time doing things I want to do.

I workout, run, hangout with my close friends, visit my God kids and nephews, my grandmother etc.. reading books.. I take on additional work & side job projects to gain skills, experience, money and so on.. put my time & energy into making cool things for people I love and so on. When Summer rolls around I'll be going out kiteboarding on the ocean as much as I can. I'm doing extra training to be in ever better shape for some good fun this Summer - I'm going to do the Tough Mudder (10-12 miles of military style obstacles) in Whistler again this year, might do the Spartan Race (5km obstacles), and will likely do Color Me Rad (5km w/ neon cornstarch showers everywhere).. and maaaaaybe even the Vancouver Sun Run (10km city run sponsored by the biggest local newspaper). I keep myself busy doing productive, fun and creative things that make me happier, healthier, wealthier, wiser etc.

Besides this thread right now, I haven't even really thought about wanting a romantic relationship in a while. I don't even think about getting laid all that often lately, either. Granted, a large part of both is that there is someone I am hoping to meet around the end of June, so that keeps my mind off of others I suppose. I suppose I'm a bit fixated on meeting them in the sense that it makes me not care about meeting anyone else in the meantime - which is a good thing, IMO, as it keeps me focused on doing all of the other things I Need to do in order to get what I Want out of life. Perhaps that's an aspie thing that others could use to their advantage? Find someone you'd like to meet that's impossible to meet instantly, set up a date months in advance, and then use those months to accomplish all sorts of other goals vs. spending time chatting with others online or thinking about wanting to meet someone. Heh, it coooooould work for others.. maybe just me, but if your brains work like mine, then it might just be a good tactic to try out.

As for dating in general.. I've had many opportunities as others have expressed interest, but I haven't been interested in dating any of them. I'd rather fly solo until I meet the right person for me. I'm definitely quality of match over quantity & convenience when it comes to a partner, that's for sure. Same goes for friends, really. I have many friends/acquaintances, but only a few I spend my time with on any sort of regular basis. I prefer to be single vs. in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, that's for damned sure.

So, IMO, just do your thing.. and then if you meet the right person and it's meant to be, it will Be. If not, well, enjoy doing your thing to your heart's content forever!