What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to dating?

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Some one would want to be with some one like you , you come here and nothing , nothing , natta zilch nothing , oh well .

Coping with & resolving conflict while balancing assertiveness & compromise...

Yeah, no prob!

Yes this! I have such a headache by the time my husband has produced his argument I will give in to whatever. I beg him to start at the end (stating the outcome he is looking for) and then I can ask for more information if I need it. But he says it doesn't work like that.

Ugh, the browbeating You have my sympathy

My Aspie daughter and I have had whole fights and resolutions via paper airplane, it works much better that way!

Mother had the nephews throw marshmallows.

Might steal that one!

Elsapelsa, I'm mostly ducked out of this thread but I did want to pop in and thank you for your kind words earlier - it's nice to see that in a forum with something of a history of unfriendliness to women, Aspie women are still in here supporting one another.

My dating history is long in the past - Mr. Chess and I will be celebrating our 26th anniversary later this year. I had just hoped to share with the OP in the hope that some advice/insight might also be offered to women on the spectrum, since it seems our male counterparts often have the loudest voices in here.

Wow, that is a real achievement. Congratulations. I will have been married for 15 years this summer. I think I am a much better mother than wife! Thankfully, my husband is an extremely kind and patient soul and we are both introverts so it kind of works out (most of the time!)

First of all to get a date, showing initiative is not something i'm comfortable with.. In that aspect I think i'm lucky i'm a female as most of the time when it comes to dating males still make most of the initiatives.

Then when I actually have a date I find it very difficult to let people come close to me, I've got these big walls around me and it's not easy to let someone get past that. Therefor I rarely make it past 1 or 2 dates with a person, they try to get close to me and it's like an automatic defense system turns on and I just start pushing the person away.

If I manage to get past that even, then comes the touching... I'm really not comfortable with being touched until I'm truly comfortable with that person and actually want to be touched, which rarely happens. So even holding hands or a hug.. a hand on my leg... it's painfully uncomfortable.. (sorry for using (un)comfortable so many times, can't find a better way to put it)

If I can get past all that and make it to the relationship stage... well that just brings a whole other bunch of difficulties with it, but that's off topic.

If he's anything like me, he doesn't know the outcome until he's gotten to the end of it. Going through it all with you could be his way of figuring out what the outcome is.

I have the same problem with girlfriend. Yes, I could go through it all in her head but I want to ask her questions about what she wants from the outcome. If I work it all out on my own it feels unfair to her.

I suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/MMA for self defense. I have to imagine it is statistically very unlikely that out of those 1 in 1000 men who are rapists that many would also have martial arts training. Especially since at least with BJJ there's pretty strict rules for conduct so anyone who's evil and/or psycho isn't going to last long since they'll get kicked out and never allowed back.

I started because fear of physical harm was a huge contributor to social anxiety for me. Couldn't go to the mall or other similar busy places without big anxiety and sometimes panic. I always thought people were glaring/being menacing towards me. I don't suggest ever getting in car with a stranger but if you or anyone else feels constant anxiety I can say as someone who also feels this anxiety that martial arts help a lot. And though of course you always want to de-escalate conflict and avoid fights whenever possible it gives you a chance if you do get attacked and cannot avoid the situation.

If it's a really big source of anxiety it's worth it to start training a couple days a week. As a guy with ASD I view it as inevitable that I'm going to be targeted by people since most people see autism as having a general mental deficiency and therefore an easy target. Plus, since I'm going to go into Computer Science and therefore will end up probably going to somewhere like San Francisco or LA for the jobs it was a no brainer for me. I could potentially earn a good salary there but with the drawback of having to live in huge and unsafe cities.



Doesn't necessarily matter if the woman has technique that can overcome a deficit in strength. Unless they are also trained and at a similar level they will be susceptible to them. Granted it is not that simple if the attacker is also versed in the techniques, this happens to be why I aspire to try competing and diversify my training. In case the attacker is also a martial artist who may know of ways to neutralize techniques.


False. Look up any women who are accomplished in martial arts.

You would be surprised, although most are male there are rapist/killers who actively prey on both males and females. I don't recall specific example but around the time when I decided to start training I recall on the news a report about some Ted Bundy-type killer but who targets both men and women indiscriminately.

I wonder how that's even physically possible.



Or, you know, be actually married.



You make it sound like talking about the problems men on the spectrum face makes the place actively hostile to women. Apparently, you can't help one sex or gender without hurting the other.

^^ I think the martial arts route is a really useful piece of advice. My children (girls) both start martial arts this autumn. I have never learnt martial arts but I went to a one-day training course in female self defence which was actually also really useful - just how to maximise damage on someone much larger than you and how to hit where it hurts and that kind of stuff. So if you don't have time for a weekly course, contact local martial art centres and see if they run anything similar.

Thankfully I have never ever had to use any force against any man in my whole life. In fact I have found men all over the world (in general, with a few exceptions) to be helpful, courteous and respectful to me despite doing several of the things that people would suggest are 'naive' - hitch hiking for example and being a blonde foreigner far, far from home!

I wouldn’t harm a fly.

And I support Aspie women fulsomely.

We flew on the same flight back home. And we got along.

I understand caution is necessary. I understand reality pretty well. This is not my first rodeo.

I hope nobody thinks that I DON’T support Aspie women.

Yes you can. Those two goals aren't in opposition to each other.