Just avoiding the subject here.

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TBH I'm probably too bored & cranky today to fully understand how much vs. how little reciprocity in comfortable for NTs, per the amount of contact I have with anyone I suppose.

It's like as soon as I pick up on those patterns I've probably been written off already.

I don't know that anyone's ever seen me as trading in the social graces you described above.

It's difficult to ascertain and I'm certain if it did happen, you may not have noticed it unless you were paying attention. That's why I've always said I'm horrible at small talk but I didn't know it was because the other person often experienced a conversation with me as talking to a wall, probably. Then I had to learn how to hold a conversation once I figured that out. It's just baby steps, one small goal at a time that builds up to a larger one.

i've always been better at small talk than big talk.

*** overthinking ***

I should really get back to this tomorrow. I can't sleep & I need to, I have a new work computer to rig up when the gear arrives & I have all kinds of synchronization to do about the work I just started, which is only some random percentage of my job as presently directed by no one in particular.

I think the biggest problem yet in my love life is corporations taking its' place. That was fast.

I think I can mainly only hold detailed, rambling conversations on tricky subjects. Interpersonal stuff eludes me & I get lost in analogies or feel too shy to say much. Mainly I have a hard time finding the right times & places for any discussions like this.

It's a good feeling in general to remember I can do any of this at all actually. The trouble is that I'm impatient with myself.

It's hard not to think about how much time I spend alone. All I can do about the isolation of the only condition I can live under is to ramble about it & hope I'll someday get the right idea.

Everything about my past sets me up for failure.

I don't know if I'll ever lose this feeling of having nowhere to go.

it took me way too long to figure out that "having nowhere to go" meant that i already was where i'm supposed to be.

To quote System of a Down, "Every time I try to go where I really want to be, it's already where I am..."

argh wtf

took me decades to make sense of and come to an understanding about why i'm in the place i am at. i now see the reasons for it all.

I don't really see things as being immutably as they're meant to be is the catch.

when i was young, neither did i.

I probably have too many such reasons.

as did i, but as i grew older they gradually faded away.

It feels immutable.

basically it is, it is one's handling of it that changes through life.