Majority of autistuc men dont have a girlfriend?

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their isolation is what creates a fertile ground for toxic manipulation and extremism.

If I get rejected by a woman, I find it too awkward to cross paths with her ever again.

This means cold approaches with a woman I don't know (and am highly unlikely to run into ever again) are pretty much my only option.

I suppose there's also online dating/hookup sites. Or hoping a woman makes a move on me in person. Or allowing a date/intercourse to just sort of happen (with neither party making the move). I've had successes with these methods.

The "get to know a woman well, ask her out" approach, however, even though it logically makes the most sense (and is more likely to lead to success than a cold approach), is unfortunately out of the question for me.

The problem is a lot of men on the spectrum unknowingly "harass" a woman, not out of bad intent but social ineptitude.

Keyword unknowingly. It's impossible to change a behavior we don't even realize is wrong.

Some abusers definitely hide it, no doubt.

Here's what I don't get though: Career felons/bad boys/drug dealers/etc can easily get dates/sex, despite really being dangerous (and they obviously don't hide it)

Yet men on the spectrum struggle to get dates/sex because we're perceived as dangerous.

Record numbers of young men are dropping out of the dating game too. And I read somewhere that it's becoming more and more common for men to reach their 30th birthday without ever getting kissed.

Even though I'm heterosexual, I've been told I'm aromantic.

I understand.

It's a double-eged sword really. Women are expected to show more of an emotional range. However, this comes at the expense of being seen as irrational and overly dramatic.

Whereas men are expected to be more stoic. The downside to this is emotional suppression and a lack of support. A lack of network which leads to a cultural sense of loneliness.

We still have artefacts from eras before us. From times where people would diagnose women with hysteria and view men as 'not real men' for seeking emotional support.

We've moved on from times where marriage was an economic necessity if you wanted to survive comfortably as a woman. It is no longer a need but a want. Not even a want for some, as marriage becomes a less common end goal.

Marriage, relationships, dating - they are spurred out of a desire for connection rather than to prevent wars (such as with tactical marriages in monarchies) or to lower the risk of ending up in poverty.

Instead of competing with other men, realistically men are competing with a woman's solitude.

As a society, we are becoming far more aware of domestic abuse, power dynamics and serial killers.

This has created an understandable caution. Men are bigger and stronger. It's not always easy to tell someone's intent. Sometimes a person can end up to be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

However, I will say that this has created a concerning double standard. People tend to underestimate the threat that women can pose. Women kill. They stalk. They drug. They can do some horrendous things. It is worrying when I see headlines that try to paint a female teacher raping a male child as anything but horrifying.

Ultimately, it comes down to the perception that men have motive but women lack agency. Things happen to women, women don't make them happen. Which isn't true, but it's a perception that is routed in history and continues to persist in more subtle ways. We can't seem to shake it. This harms everyone.

It's a tricky subject to bring up as it's sometimes used to talk over the disturbingly high statistics of violence against women by men. That is not my intent.

I likely have more to say on this but I need to rest up for my upcoming interviews. I'll probably return to this thread.

Granted. It may take considerable practice for some men and lots of humiliation and potential trouble.

What does accidental harassment look like?

there is evidence that some women (please don't come after me) are drawn to this "type" but I don't want to generalise. When I was a young man a 20yr old who was a "christian" chose to friend zone me but started seeing some loser dude who happened to have a motorcycle and was a little bit "edgy" and into the drug scene. When I posed the question she said she loved riding on a motorbike....and that shallow feeling was enough to sleep with him and not me. But that's my experience and her specific behaviour may not be general to all women.

Last edited by cyberdad on 15 Jul 2024, 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think the trend is somewhat approaching what's already happening in South Korea and Japan where young people (male and female) are rejecting family expectations. I also thing COVID accelerated social isolation in young people. All of these trends make things more difficult but it should not stop you trying to make female friends.

I was only speaking about why I personally tend to have more trouble understanding men than women. I wasn’t really trying to make an overall statement about one sex being worse than the other. The vast majority of my abuse was perpetrated by men in situations where I lacked agency, but obviously, that doesn’t mean that women aren’t capable of horrific behavior too.

Where I live, there still isn’t enough awareness concerning domestic violence, sexual harassment, or sexual assault when it comes to any gender. There still seems to be a lack of awareness on WP.

When I said that I struggled to know men’s motivations concerning L&D, I wasn’t just thinking about abuse but also about more fundamental stuff like: “Does he like me?” “What is he looking for?” Stuff like that. There was a time or two when I was interested in a romantic relationship with a specific person, but it turned out that they were solely interested in a fling. I also didn’t always recognize interest until after the fact.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 15 Jul 2024, 5:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Some women are career felons, bad girls, and drug dealers / drug users too. Maybe that's how they meet these people and why they're attracted. As for more traditional women liking bad boys I suspect they think the guy will be tough enough to protect them from other men. That whole "knight in shining armour" thing is drummed into our heads in all storybooks from the time we're coherent toddlers and most of us won't meet a prince, so perhaps a guy with a bike seems just as good.

The only part of "bad boys" I like is when men are countercultural by standing up for what they believe is right even if it's against the mainstream narrative - breaking the law to help another person, refusing to conform to groupthink, having their own code of ethics etc. I know lots of bikers and they're the nicest men I've ever met who would do anything to help another person, and I don't mean that they'd kill someone. They'd just give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. Most of them are really softspoken sweethearts. As for felons and dealers - maybe not. They could still be good people but I'd be too scared of getting caught up in that kind of thing.

It's because we're perceived as the wrong type of dangerous.

No one wants to deal with a boring, controlling, obsessive partner. Villains are viewed as dangerous to other people, not to the one interested in having that excitement in their life. It also often carries the notion of becoming bad vicariously through association.

It seems like a flavour of everybody wanna be gangsta until it's time to do gangsta s**t. The people for whom associating with dangerous people is alluring are usually only interested in it until the desirable villain starts treating them the same way they treat other people.

It's also not something limited to women. There's men (and women) for whom bad b*****s are a fantasy too. Same idea though, those people are often fun in the short term until they make you their next victim.

Yeah "no shade" on bikers, my parents oldest friends became bikers and did the whole Harley Davison and leather jacket thing. Yeah, I think the stereotype that young men do the "James Dean" thing and be part of a counterculture can be seen as attractive and exhilarating. I was probably just ordinary run-in the mill in comparison.

Fascinating. I hadn't heard either way whether the Trump shooter was an incel.

I recall 10 years ago that incel Elliot Rodger went on a rampage. It just so happens Elliot was on the spectrum.

I'm going to start by saying I don't condone Elliot's actions on his final day. That being said, I understand his frustration.

Elliott had good looks, wealthy parents, and drove a luxury car. Statistically, one would expect him to be a stud. Yet he made it to 22 without ever getting a date or sex. And his college career forced him to see lots of uglier dudes with no problem getting girls.

I've heard armchair psychologists online say Elliot could have gotten dates/sex if only he talked to/asked out more girls.

Here's what these armchair psychologists fail to take into account: On top of being on the spectrum, Elliot had crippling social phobia.

The mere thought of asking a woman out makes my heart pound a mile a minute, makes me get so choked up I can barely speak, and makes me so shaky I could fall over at any second. Chances are Elliot (because of his social phobia) would have displayed the same characteristics if he asked anyone out.

If a guy is exhibiting the symptoms I described (racing heart, so choked up he can barely speak, so shaky he could fall over at any second), virtually no woman is going to accept his advances, even if she's physically attracted to him.