Pre-occupied with sex

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Thank you to everyone who posted, your advice is greatly appreciated and I'll put it to work this friday. *crosses fingers*

Pik, I disagree - this isn't a conversation about sex explicitly, but how the effect on dating and interaction with others. If it becomes a graphic thread, it will be moved to the Adult forum... but for now, I think it is appropriate and belongs here.


M.

Which would work if we were all homosexuals...

I hate to go a slightly different direction with this topic, but it sounds like maybe you are to the point where the thoughts are intrusive and not necessarily wanted on your part. If you can ignore the thoughts, then it's not a problem, but if it really is causing you anxiety and trouble with relationships and in your life, it could be something more going on. You might want to take a look at web sites or forums on ocd. Just a thought...

A relationship needs more than sex to be successful. But one without sex will not truly be successful. Sex, while not the only needed thing, is an indispensable part of a healthy relationship.

Lecks, I have a similar issue, in that once a friendship with a girl I'm even mildly attracted to starts to deepen beyond a superficial level, I find my physical desires overwhelm any attempt to continue a platonic involvement with her.

While taking care of your sexual urges on a physical level may help, I can't guarantee that will eliminate your problem. With me I know my feelings are part of a bigger issue. While I'm a virgin too, that doesn't mean my main problem is not having a good way to get off.

My feelings are probably only about 10% due to actually being horny. About 50% is from curiosity about the friend's body, and 40% is to do with an idea of mine that good friends shouldn't have to hide their bodies from each other.

My curiosity is not due to lack of information about the female body in general, it's from the fact that I'd be curious about how that friend looks specifically, how her body would react to being touched, etc. The more I seem to "click" with the person as a friend, the more I feel this way.

About the other point, I have this ideal that good friendship should be based on openness and trust--everything else is secondary. Therefore, if a girl is reluctant to get naked in front of me it bothers me a lot more than just that she doesn't want all-out sex. This is not totally restricted to girls--if a male friend is really squeamish about the possibility of being "checked out" by guys he knows, it makes the friendship feel less "pure" than if he wasn't.

I SUSPECT a madly-high libido might have SOMETHING to do with an aspie's sensitivity to impulse. In this case that being the beauty of your lover. I tend to have that too, all the time. One outlet is to actually GIVE INTO it, the..well...the lust. But keeping it far from daily life. Also, and this may seem a little arrogant, I never EVER "switch on" in a social situation. Never even thinking those thoughts is a prequisite for me, because my "gender identity" is easily noticed. Even when not switched on.

Some people just have a huge libido, especially if you're in your teens/early 20s and are a guy. I think it might have to do with gonad size too -- big testes, probably high testosterone production, and high sex drive. Before we humans started getting life spans in excess of 30 years, these late teen years and early 20s were pretty much the peak of when you biologically were expected to impregnate someone, so it makes sense that you would be so revved up.

Such was the case for me -- in my late teens, especially when I was depressed or girlfriend-less, I used to masturbate as much as 5 times a day. Some of this was obviously due to Aspie stuff like obsession, but I was way too sex focused. Still like that now in my 30s, but my drive has abated a bit.

If you don't find it interfering with your life after you take some control of it, it's not such a bad thing. Women will actually appreciate your appetite, if you find the right one. Otherwise, I would look for other outlets, like meeting people on Craigslist (being safe of course) and finding some way to live out those fantasies and feelings.

If I could go back and do anything again, I would have spent less time masturbating and more time actually doing stuff with live people. Getting some fantasies out of my system has really helped in the long-run.

Excellent posts, guys. From what you've written I think I have pretty good idea of what's going on. It's not so much my libido, but my curiosity that seems to be the culprit. I think this because I really don't masturbate often (maybe not often enough, heh), I can easily go without it for a month and when I fantasize it's always about the touching and exploring, rather than the penetration and positions.

I'm going take the advice some of you have given me and just try to experience my fantasies instead of pursuing a relationship. I've never tried that before so we'll see how it goes. Thanks again to everyone who posted here and anyone who experiences or has experienced something similar is more than welcome to share if they wish.

It's strange to me that this part of it hasn't really been addressed. Honestly, although it is "unrelated", at this point this may actually be the bigger of the two problems. You can duck it more easily when you're a teenager, but in your 20s (at least in my experience) it seems like everyone you meet has been around.

It's unfortunately the more difficult of the two to get over (and I imagine it could be even more so if you're a virgin, for a handful of reasons, although it didn't faze me at that point either). It is helpful to my cause that I am a degenerate human being, and hence I can see multiple layers of humor in these situations to entertain me and, in turn, reduce the perceived dirtiness of my actions... That sounds kind of horrible, but don't read too deep into it. The point is that, at least for me, finding humor in something of this nature is the first step in flexibility and detachment, and I sort of need that in the early stages until some other feelings show up that are not of a sexual nature.

I may not be the best template though, as I ALWAYS go out with a "loaded gun"

I think what the others said about living our your fantasies and "loaded gun" (sorry - the analogy just kills me) is probably a good thing; you can't let your obsessions control your life, and an obsession like this can potentially become a dangerous obsession (and also can really screw up your chances relationship-wise). At this stage in your life, you probably really need to experiment and let some of it out of your system. The ideal situation for this kind of experimentation is what's known as "friends-with-benefits" as you are experimenting generally in a safe situation, with someone you know and trust. But obviously for aspies this might be not be an available option - I think the next port of call is nightclubbing (as a lot of people go out looking for casual hook-ups and one night stands, and chances are you'll find someone similar to yourself who is after the same sort of thing). Other options are out there, but I would go for these two first (as this is what most people do - and sometimes you can possibly make friends-with-benefits through nightclubbing anyway - you can't make friends with paid sex workers).

All this aside, don't feel like it's "dirtying" you or anything, or means you can't be in a normal relationship - a lot of aspies (including myself for a long time) don't realize that this is a normal part of growing up (I don't necessarily mean picking up people at nightclubs/prostitution, I mean sexual experimentation). Most people don't jump straight into relationships - they experiment with these sorts of things first, gain experience and maturity, and then once they get past all that stuff and clear their heads and gain a bit of sexual maturity, they go for relationships.

My God, a month?! !! !

I could never make it so long. I think the longest I've ever gone without masturbating since puberty has been a week. No wonder you're so pent up.


Sunshower, while your suggestions are good, I think nightclubbing is not a very great option for a lot of Aspie males. Besides the fact that unlike women in the same situation, there is a very low chance of someone else of the opposite gender striking up a conversation, the noise, precarious social situation, and strong competition make it not a good venue for the one-on-one conversations that Aspies are much more comfortable in. Nightclubs are a great place to meet a lot of new people at once if you're socially competent -- if you're not, or have a lot anxiety, it's just another negative experience.

What I like about Craigslist is that it connects "buyers" and "sellers", or people of the same interest, in a way that is both private and immediate. It allows people to shop for eachother and find that connection right away, without as much pretense.

I have gone longer without any trouble. In fact, the less I masturbate, the less I seem to think about sex. Of course, it doesn't help if I read Omamori Himari... like... at all.

Hmm yes true, on second thoughts nightclubbing probably isn't the ideal.

Another thought: Have you tried being honest about this problem to the women you meet? As soon as it starts coming on, let them know about it.

Or would it help if you distanced yourself from them for a while before seeing them again (IE does it take a few minutes for it to set on, no matter if you've met them before or not)? Perhaps if you talked to them through the internet/a phone line?

Not a good idea. That's guaranteed to scare a woman who doesn't know you well off.