Doubting your suitability as a partner

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Not at all. Doubt doesn't come into it. I know I'm unsuitable as a partner for anyone normal.


Back at school. I knew this would happen. OK, as long as you don't ask me what I did during my holidays.

I knew I wasn't good at social stuff, but thought it was because of lack of practice, because I hadn't been very social when young. Then 22 years ago I experienced an epic failure that showed me there was something seriously wrong. I thought I better be cautious about any close involvement until I knew what had gone wrong. That took until 13 years ago. Then I knew enough that I probably could have learned to be a suitable partner, if only I had not lost so much of my capacity for emotional involvement. If I ever were to meet a woman who prefers detachment over passion, I should be high on her list of potential prospects but there don't seem to be a lot with that set of priorities. I can't offer emotional responses at the speed and intensity most people need. I don't flirt or try to date because that is an implicit promise that there is a good chance a woman would be happier with me than alone or with someone else. I can't make that promise.


I wouldn't be a good mother either. Might not be so bad as a father. I get along pretty well with kids. The prospect of dealing with teenagers and their compulsion for conformity would put me off.


Done it. The isolating, I mean. It eventually worked out for me, but it's pretty damn rough getting there. I recommend you do this only if you are sure you have to. I do like that you think about the consequences for others, not only yourself.

Don't cut yourself off completely. Even I've had friends with whom I've had a real sense of connection, who inspired me, made me think and see and feel things I would never have been aware of on my own, and I think I gave them something worthwhile in return. When this happens it's wonderful, and it's worth some risk. If you experience that with someone who wants to be your partner, I don't think you should turn it down on principle. By all means isolate yourself as much as the combination of circumstances and your principles demands. But be flexible enough to notice when the circumstances might change.

Last edited by Gromit on 20 Jun 2009, 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thats exactly how I feel. I'm scared that I'll be a father who only instills fear and pessimism into his kids. I am a strong believer in nurture over nature. If you as a parent have serious issues (like me), your kids will probably find themselves facing similar issues. If I were strong and possessed a worthwhile temperament, I would not hesitate to be a father. However I am not that way. If ever i were to get married I am afraid my wife will have to be the 'strong' one. She will be my rock and inspiration. She will have to help me in my times of need. Not to say that i won't help her in any way, but I know myself all too well. I break down a lot, and life becomes overwhelming for me far too frequently. That's why I doubt I'll get married. Who would want to marry an emotional 'mess' like me? What kind of example will I be to my kids?

Suitable for whom? Surely it depends for whom? At some level, that isn't really for you to assess, it's for the other person to decide if you're suitable for them, and for you to decide if they're suitable for you. They might get it wrong, but they're still in a better position.

I doubt it. In some ways, I am a very annoying, difficult person. However, my personal belief is that very few people could be around one another for a long period of time without getting bored. And this is not something that is exclusive to us Aspies, as divorce rates are 50%.

Remember: If you get what you deserve, you don't have to change or do anything, the fundation in a good relationship is that neither of them deserves the other (from their own point of view), that way they'll both allways try to improve.

I think you're a great girlfriend, just as messed up as the rest of us.

Occasionally, I have. A couple of questions I also consider are: how satisfactory would my relationship be, and would my having a girlfriend/wife improve my mood to a degree that I would become more 'suitable' as a partner?

I have 12 fails... Meh!

Quite frankly, I have a really easy time imagining myself as the offender from accounts of AS partners' suffering from emotional vacuums. My folks used to get after me about it back in the day, and the pattern tends to repeat for all of my friendships, too. It seems to me that romance, in my case, is an unusually selfish desire.

I spent my early 20's somewhat worried on this, less about my literal capacity to provide or to fulfill my obligations to a partner or children, more along the lines with social conformity and how breaches of that are constant question of your efficacy.

I think 90% of it is who you end up with. You have to find someone who matches you, seems like when people latch on to someone just because they're lonely, afraid of growing old by themselves, and settle - there's already enough of a mismatch in expectations and personality where it shouldn't have happened to begin with, people still try, and because of unresolvable differences things splinter much more painfully.

Watching my NT friends make the mistakes they have - I'm more than willing to hang back and wait till I'm with someone who can see the best of me, who brings out the best of me, and who I can do the same for. Anything less and you start butting heads and finding out from your partner that your personality needs correction from their perspective and/or their friends. F' it, be your best self and be with someone who honors you for it.

I have a long viewpoint to share with you. I've been on both sides of the relationship fence, I've rushed into things eager to please and have had my feelings shattered. I've also gotten what I've wanted to quickly and was never truly appreciative. I felt tremendous guilt. At one point I did just what you mentioned and isolated myself completely and wondered where I went wrong. What I realized is that we all want contentment, we put emotional labels on that contentment (love will be satisfied if I have sex, anger will be managed if I destroy something, fear will be avoided if I run).

I was pretty close to insanity at one point and percieved things that didn't even exist (something I still have to work with). The point of it for me is that when we apply logic based on our emotions, we eventually make a mistake, sure we enjoy ourselves but that logic will eventually take us somewhere that is inconsistent with our environment and cause discontentment when we have to accept the inconsistencies. The saying that love should guide you doesn't point out that you shouldn't love everything without condition. I think the only thing you should love unconditionally is everything, only at the appropriate time. If you expect yourself to love something, especially without any condition, you might experience lots of dissapointment when your love is not returned or if you simply tire of expressing love in the first place. You can burn yourself out with these emotions, the way to deal with it isn't very simple, you have to reassess yourself periodically to see where you are going and it can seem like more work, but you could find more meaning in what you do.

Also, you shouldn't go too hard on yourself if you aren't getting the feelings you think you should have. Sometimes our minds just don't work for us. There is nothing wrong with needing an antidepressant to deal with life better. I take Zoloft myself each morning and I have felt an incrase in energy and positive emotions, although negative emotions affect me more strongly than before, I strive to keep myself towards my positive feelings rather than just expecting them. When I get mad, I express my discontent out loud in a rational manner at first, I can slowly build up to a near seizure state (I can seriously get that pissed off), I slowly talk my way up and I have to slowly talk my way down.

I find marijuanna useful when dealing with strong negative emotions, I realize this is controversial for some people but I will continue to use it as long as I need to keep my negative emotions in check.

I'm slowly becoming more capable and independant. Getting out of the military 4 months ago was a major life change for me. I'm finding it easier to maintain my better habits as time goes on (thanks to the zoloft) and I'm struggling not to let any bad habits get out of hand, I go to the gym on a near daily basis and learn several important concepts for my nursing studies. I hope I haven't given you too much insight, but my life has been pretty insightful lately (not to mention ironic), and I hope you can take the advice you need out of it.

I do doubt whether I would be suitable as a partner at all. I'm not totally sure what a relationship is supposed to be but I've heard that communication is a big part of it, and I'm pretty sure I would fail miserably at any attempts at that kind of communication. I'm not even sure what kind of communication is necessary for a relationship. I'd just be torture on anyone who was in a relationship with me because there'd be a communication barrier.

I also feel that failing to enter into any relationships for so long has made it even harder because I'm more set in my ways and I have no experience, while most everyone else my age does have experience and with that, expectations that I won't see coming. I find it hard to imagine that there is a person out there could enter into a relationship with me that isn't doomed to fail.

Well on the plus side, I am undefeated in this regard. 0 fails.

Wow 12?

That's sad....

Meh...I think mine is around 4....

I have 0 tries and 0 fails. No one's ever asked me out and I would get laughed at if I asked someone out.

i could never be a valid romantic partner to anyone with normal expectations. i have a girlfriend, but she is mentally slow and probably ret*d i guess. she is not aware of my character deficits that average girls see.

i am prepared to give my girlfriend a "good night out" once per week, and i buy her lots of things. she lives with her parents because she is very attached to her mother and she has the mental capacity of about an 11 year old.

she is glad to have a holiday to my world once per week. i only want to see her once per week, so it is a mutually acceptable arangement

i have 2 other girls (melinda and sonia) who would like to be my girlfriends, and one of them is very beautiful and very intelligent and we have lots of fun talking together and we also are attracted to each other.

she does not know why i do not dump tammy for her.

well it is because tammy is so happy with so little input, and sonia is so emotionally thirsty that i could never quench her desire to be adored.

i have no real depth of attachment to others, and so no girl would feel that they are in real shared company with me.

i am not interested in children, and if i had any, i would try to bring them up in an unruffled environment, but i can not be sure if i would be a good father. i think i would let my kids do too much without intervening.
i could not discipline them properly either as most kids laugh at me.

i am completely happy to not have the biological chore of having a partner and raising a family. i do not desire "love" much, but i desire stability and permanence of ways of life.
i can relax if something is permanent, and i am permanently me, so i am relaxed being alone.

Same with me. I sympathise with you.

I think what (WE) should all do is get out of the house and talk to people. lets just get out