He/She's Just Not That Into You

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Basically, they need to harden up. That is harsh but the only way it will happen. Guys who have no confidence need to figure out why they have no confidence and then stop caring about what others think of them. Say someone rejects you, why is this so bad? What is the worst that could happen? Someone might laugh at you or make fun of you. So what? I've been laughed at lots of times over the years but it doesn't affect how I feel about myself. I think it basically comes down to learning to like yourself.

Guys can gain a lot of confidence from other things besides women, and it really helps out alot to not worry about what others think of you (I used to have a major problem with this, but I've gotten over most of those issues), but this can only do so much to help their self esteem. Don't you think it would help out alot, if women would work with them to help boost their confidence, instead of having this "sorry about your luck" attitude?

In what way should women work to help them exactly? I would definitely be happy to help boost someone's confidence. But if people are losing confidence for being rejected when telling someone they are interested in them, that is not really something I can help them with as if someone asks me out or makes a move on me and I am not interested, I am going to tell them that (though in the nicest way I can think of).

This is one of those double-standards... the men are (usually) the ones expected to make advances... and when they are rejected, that is basically one more *FAIL* on their record... It's not so much about being laughed at, it's more like taking a class 12 times in a row because you keep failing it... The first time is a total shock, and subsequent times, despite trying to learn this material, merely serve to reinforce the accumulating *FAIL*... For most people, eventually they start understanding the material and can pass the class... but like any class, there's a group of people that can pretty much never understand the material, no matter how hard they study... Now imagine all your classes were like that, where you couldn't learn any of the material to save your life... THAT is what rejection feels like to us...

Yes that is true. I think that is a strange idea. I know a few women who really want to get engaged and then married and wait for their boyfriends to propose. They always laugh at my suggestion to propose to their boyfriends instead of waiting.



Then they need to not think like that. Someone not being interested in you should not be considered a FAIL.



Not really. I do not think this analogy is good as failing a class 12 times is failing the same material. If you ask 12 different women out, then it is more like failing 12 classes for the first time. Though that being said, I do not think someone turning you down should be considered a FAIL. Just move on and find someone who is interested in you. If you have confidence in yourself this more likely to happen.



I do not see women as "material" to learn. You just need to be yourself. If what you are is unattractive to women you either need to give up or make changes. It should not be up to women to accommodate people that they are not attracted to.



If there was a class I could never pass, I would not bother continuing with the class as it is something clearly not meant for me. The class should not have to change to accomodate me. Some people are not ever going to find a relationship. Some people will never find a job. Some people will fail school. That's just the way things work and if you get depressed by the stuff you cannot change, then that is your problem not other people's such as women who refuse to go out with you.

Yes that is true. I think that is a strange idea. I know a few women who really want to get engaged and then married and wait for their boyfriends to propose. They always laugh at my suggestion to propose to their boyfriends instead of waiting.

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Yeah I know, it's *so* annoying. I personally prefer to be the one to make the advances.

The women aren't the "material" to learn... the ability to approach and start a relationship successfully is... It's like taking the same class repeatedly with different professors each time...


This course is required by both the biology and psychology departments... if you don't pass it, you can't graduate from Life University...

Relationships all work differently, there is no one approach that will make you successful. So it is not like the same class. People have wildly varying wants and needs in a relationship.



Be more specific. This kind of metaphorical language is difficult for me to interpret meaning from.

Sorry I got a little carried away in the allegory...

What that means is that I can't just choose to just "not take" the subject of love, since the hard-wired biological impulses and psychological drives are ever present and can't just be ignored or turned off real easily...

Well it comes down to what one wants. If it is just sex, that is easily obtainable for nearly everyone who cannot get a relationship (unless you have zero money or have a physical problem). A relationship is different of course, but my points still stand. Some people will never have a relationship no matter how much they desire it as what they are is unattractive to the people they are interested in. People face all sorts of hardships, that is just the way things work. If you cannot change your circumstances you can either get depressed about it and be unhappy or you can use other methods to make yourself happy (what they are I do not know as it will vary from person to person, but you can get help with this from others better qualified than me). Not everyone is going to have a nice life but there are things that can be a great deal worse than not having a relationship. Also even if one has a relationship there is no guarantee that this will be satisfying. Many relationships are ugly things.

Basically, at some point, some woman gives you a chance, and in the course of that relationship, your self-confidence massively improves. That's how you get out of that hole. That's what happened with me -- it was like "Finally, someone I like likes me!"

Ways to make this happen -- stop complaining, especially to women, brush your hair, brush your teeth, dress decently or at least in clean clothes that match colors (black with black, brown with brown, shoes should match belt, belt should match shirts). Have a hobby, do well in school, and if you're out of school, get a job. Move out of your parent's house, if you live there.

And just keep meeting people, and don't shy away from rejection. It happens, that's life. I've tried to minimize it in my life, probably too much, but it's inevitable, and girls are usually at least very nice about it and classy.

Well, people often confuse their view of the world with the world, so they have to learn how to tell the difference before.

Bill, you seem to have accumulated quite a bit of wisdom regarding these sorts of issues. This is very sensible.

Thanks -- Well, I learned the hard way

Lots of mistakes, lots of missed chances, but somehow, for all that, I ended up with the perfect person. And this was after a lot of heartache and negative feelings about myself and others, much of which I tend to see on this forum. I really feel for anyone who is as lonely as I was, and it does make me feel better to see that my issues were not unique. On that same point, my participation here is aimed at spreading the word about how life does get a lot better if you apply yourself, fix some problem behaviors, and let nature take its course.

If you'd ever like to make a thread giving us a sort recollection of some of these mistakes and missed chances and what you learned from them, that'd be really cool.

ok well maybe someone can shed some light on this for me. since the guy I'm dating is an Aspie he has times when he needs to pull away... he won't call he needs time to himself... etc. I'm learning to deal with it... but it really does depress me when I don't hear from him cause I can't get enough of him.. anyway.... my friends then go into he's just not that into you or he wouldn't pull away and encourage me to date other people... which i don't want to do.... so if someone has to back off from the relationship to recharge and is unable to communicate that just kind of dissappears... how do you know if they are into you or not....??? I don't know if i worded that well... anyway....