Desire and the Destruction of Friendships

Post Reply New Topic

I think some of you are completely misreading my entire post. I'm not wanting anyone to commit to me. There is nothing about commitment ever mentioned, I have no idea where you even got that from.

As for guys not wanting female friends, that's a load of crap. I don't think I've ever met a guy who didn't have female friends.

I don't want a man to love me. I want to stop them from falling in love with me. I seem to be unable to prevent them from wanting to be more. As a result, I'm constantly losing friends, and it hurts.

It's not that I don't feel I could have a relationship with anyone, it's more that I've never really dated and with everything currently going on in my life (trying to get through grad school, having problems with emotional instability, figuring out my future...) I feel like putting that extra pressure on myself would be a lot more than I want to have to handle.



Firstly, as much as I enjoy the company of my male friends...rarely, if ever, are they people I'm genuinely attracted to. They are guys who share the same interests, who will play games with me or discuss politics or the latest project. They aren't people who I'm emotionally involved with or who I could imagine spending a lot of time with.

Secondly, 90% of the time they don't have the most noble reason for wanting a relationship with me. It's more of a "I want to keep this exact same friendship with you, only I'll call you my girlfriend and get an all-access pass to your pants." Apparently that qualifies as love.

Third and lastly, the few times I have tried to give a guy friend a chance, it's gone really unbelievably bad. It seems like giving even the slightest opportunity leads to obsession. I decide it's a bad idea, they won't give up, I end up being stalked by someone who was once a friend. That is the last thing I would ever want. It's happened half a dozen times in as many years.

Befriend gay men. I'm not being sarcastic. Over the years I have had many gay male friends. There is a wonderful sense of relief that nothing is expected from either party beyond friendship.

You're going to continue to lose old friends and make new friends. You want things to remain static and they don't. You can't prevent them from wanting more, with you, or with someone else.

I have quite a few gay friends. =)

Sadly, they are far far away from where I'm living at the moment, and Belfast is far from gay-friendly... I don't think I've met a single gay person in this entire city!

They can have more with someone else all they want. In fact, I encourage them to. If they have a girlfriend, then they aren't (or shouldn't be) thinking of me as any more than a friend. It would be nice if more of my guy friends had girlfriends. Well, as long as the girlfriends didn't hate me, but that's an entirely separate problem.

I gotta ask -- if you keep having this problem, why do you have male friends? To clarify -- what is it about guys in particular that you seem to keep on forming strong friendships with them vs. someone your own gender? Is it the topics you are interested in that also seem to coincide with what guys like?

People tend to date those that have similar interests in common, or people who at least are compatible with those interests and who might learn to have the same appreciation. So it's natural that guys, knowing you are unattached, would be interested, you having already proven that you are compatible in some ways.

I have to also question the attitude that you are too busy with school to have a relationship. Is it really that, or is it in fact that you are not interested in a relationship in general? Is it also possible that maybe you are not interested in men? I have to point out that at your age, it is a bit outside the norm to not be interested in either a straight or gay relationship of some kind. There are asexual people, even on these very boards, but I have to point out that those of us who are very much sexual beings and needy for relationships and personal contact find that state of sexlessness almost alien.

Suggestions --

1. Stop having guy friends. Find fellow female nerds, but minimize the male contact.

2. Lie and say you have a BF. That should stave some of this off.

3. Lie (or don't lie) and say you are gay or asexual, and that that part of your life is off-limits. Say this near the beginning of the friendship.

Other than that, guys will always try. We're wired for it, and if you look like and seem like a good prospect, we're going to ask the question.

^ Advice is appreciated I'm sure, but the problem is what if we can't relate to girls as well? What if we think in a more straightforward way, and feel more comfortable around guys. I have girlfriends as well as guyfriends, but I find it much much harder to befriend girls, and also to understand girls/feel comfortable around girls, and I hate being in groups of girls because of past bullying experiences and because of all the subtle stuff that goes on that I don't understand. Other thing is, I can't lie about stuff like that. I just can't because it feels deeply wrong. In fact, I barely lie at all about anything - and certainly nothing pertaining to me or to cover up stuff. Gay friends are all very well, but I have trouble telling if a guy is gay or not (I can't read that stuff), and the really obvious gay guys I also find hard to relate to in similar ways to girls - I feel there is so much subtle non-verbal language going on there that I can't read, and it makes me nervous paranoid and uncomfortable.

To the OP; I understand your pain, I was awake last night for a long time thinking about my own situation. I found myself counting the guys in my head and the list just kept growing and growing. I feel like there's no escape, and I don't know what to do, and all I want is to be a kid again and have friendships that are friendships. I also feel cheated, because I feel like this is the first time in my life I am socially skilled enough to make real friends, and now it's too late because you can't be friends anymore without all the relationship stuff heaped on top of it.

I noticed that many responders say the OP should date the person if this happens. This is not the solution, for several reasons a. because how can you date around 20 people at once?, b. If you chose one of your friends, then I assume fall out of contact with the rest (assuming this is what the responders meant) - then voila! You have no friends. c. I don't know about the OP, but I too do not fall in love easily. I am certainly not asexual, but I only occasionally seem to form romantic attachments (and when these do happen they are very very intense). To try and force myself into a romantic relationship with one of my friends against my own feelings would feel similar to prostituting myself out. Don't think I haven't considered the option on numerous occasions (I hate to see friends hurting so much, and when they hurt I hurt).

It feels like there are no friendships without pain anymore. So many people on this forum complain of the opposite problem, and I fully emphasize with them, but I feel they have little patience/tolerance/understanding for people like us but I wonder how they'd feel if they were put in our situation.

My sister did pretty much the same thing and all that happened was she simply put off the dating drama that most people experience in their late teens off until her late 20s. Grad school might be a bad place to start dating, and it's too bad, because the people you meet at university are going to be closer to your intellectual level than the guys you meet in the outside world after leave school.




If she has no experience with dating or being in a romantic relationship, she could lose a lot if she allows it to spill into her professional or academic life. Take it from someone who took a year off after high school to get his head straight. The first one is always the hardest.



If that kind of "love" is wrong, I don't want to be right.

It seems you are making contradictions, andriarose. At one point you say that you don't want a guy to love you romantically. On the other hand, you say that most of these guys don't want a love relationship--they generally want, as you yourself admitted, to keep the friendship the same but call you their girlfriend and be able to "get in your pants" as you put it.

It seems you have a real difficulty with the idea that you could be "just" friends with a guy and yet be open to sexual activity. You're totally not alone on this: I am really amazed by just how infrequently women are as readily sexual with their male friends as the men would be in return--even women who seem to relate better to men than to other women in almost all other ways.

It seems you are the one who is making these guys act more like romantic interests than friends because they pick up that they will not "get in your pants" otherwise. I would have to assume that their wanting to call you their girlfriend is for the same reason.

Hopefully these guys find a woman who is freely willing to play sexually with them, and still just be a friend with them--as innocently as two kids being friends. Their must be some woman somewhere who doesn't feel that touching below the waist means that the entire terms on which you relate has to change. I'd think more people on the autism spectrum, including the women, would get this, as it would seem with us viewing social interaction less in terms of limits and rules than NTs do...

I have no idea where you get this idea that people cannot be friends without sleeping with each other. But i do pity that you cannot percieve friendships from different angles.

It occurs to me andriarose, that most of your friends are either single or not in a serious relationship. It would appear you are befriending that wrong people.

I honestly don't know what to even say to that. How can you go around telling a woman she is wrong for not wanting to have sex with someone?

You seriously want me to sleep with all of my guy friends who are interested in doing so? I think not. Am I against a friend-with-benefits situation? No, I'm not. But it involves being attracted to someone, which I'm usually not. I *have* had such a friendship enough times to know it is in no way fulfilling, at least for me, and I tire of it. When I do tire of it, the guys turn all "But I love you and want to marry you and be with you forever!" Yeah. Really not up for that. Access to my pants isn't guaranteed for life.

I find your response to be both judgmental and extremely disrespectful, not just to myself, but to any woman who happens to read it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone wanting to save physical intimacy for a relationship where they are actually comfortable with it. Men don't deserve sex for simply being friends with a woman.

There is a hell of a lot to consider when becoming sexually involved with someone, which you seem to completely disregard. First, things such as STDs and other diseases have to be considered - all of my friends, whether male or female, have far more sexual experience than me, and who knows, they could have picked up something. Next, would I be able to have this person's child if I were to accidentally get pregnant? See, this is the one that always gets me, because the answer is always 'no'. There is no possible way I could have a baby at this point in my life. The last consideration I'll put here, though there are plenty more, is 'will this person actually respect me'. I start fooling around with someone, it's fun at first, but then they try to force me either mentally or physically to have sex with them. So many guys don't understand the meaning of "NO." Guys who in everyday life seem like good guys. Try asking any woman how many times they have had to fight off a guy who tried to force them to have sex.

So... would you like to explain to me again why it is my responsibility to keep my male friends sexually satisfied?

I've always gotten along better with women, period, but I've always had the issue of not being able to read signals to know if there's something I should be acting on. This is one of the reasons I like befriending married women. There's the friendly conversation I enjoy, the friendship I value, and there is (hopefully) no room for miscommunication on what the interaction is about.

When being friends with single women, it can be a nerve-wrecking experience, although it hasn't been as bad lately now that I can accurately read a lot of the signals. Before that wasn't as much of a possibility in the past.

Has anyone else found themselves doing this? I find it a lot easier, to be honest. It's just more comfortable befriending married couples where there is no room for ambiguity in the nature of the friendship. Befriending married men could be an issue, because I imagine as many as half of them might go for something more anyways, but that still leaves the other half that will stick around as 'just friends'.

I feel the same way. The only difference is I can't relate to women and know I feel the same way about all my male friends =(

I've had the same problems all my life...it really. really, really sucks....When I was younger, I didn't realise why I was different from other girls, and the whole emotional/clingy thing was something that I never understood and still don't.

I don't get it, do these guys want me to pretend that I like them that way when I've made it clear that I don't? I don't think it's anything you're doing to "lead them on" or whatever, it's just that those guys don't have their heads screwed on correctly if they can emotionally attach themselves to someone who isn't interested.....I think it's really selfish for someone to demand that you feel the same way they do....that is definitely not love in my books.

I also don't feel the need to be in a relationship right now, I have stuff that I want to sort out in my life, and I like doing things independantly. I think as you get older, it becomes easier to stand up for what you will or won't put up with in a friendship and if someone doesnt' have your best interests at heart then they deserve to get left by the roadside. Maybe it's because i can emotionally detach easier than NTs....dunno...it's a difficult situation....

I just go with either ignoring any sign that they might have feelings for me, and if that doesn't work then I bluntly say that I'm not interested. I have to look after my own sanity (which hangs on a thread sometimes) so I refuse to take responsibility for someone elses decision. Their emotional breakdown/heart ache/guilt trip is their problem and I'm not going to try and "fix things" because I think that's what nice people are supposed to do..

not sure I've been much help, can't seem to get my thoughts on this out straight...but hang in there, it gets easier to deal with....