Dating website advice please.

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Like infomercials?

I'm operating under the idea that Aspies often are passed over as potential romantic partners because we're written off too early because of our communications issues and/or how we present ourselves, I'm merely trying to help people get past that hurdle. Failing on your own merits is one thing, but not even being given a fair chance is another matter altogether. How many times have you heard someone on here say "I'm a great guy if people would just get to know me", or words to that effect? By changing how you present yourself to others, you increase the odds that they will "get to know you" and presumably see what a great guy you are. I don't see the harm in that.

Talk about YOUR symptoms... not the diagnosis.
I don't mean that in the medical sense. I mean it in the personal sense.

For example;

I'm the sort of guy who would probably prefer to sit at home and watch a film in nice intimate settings than mingle with the crowd at a all-night rave party.

That way, you'll at least attract girls with the same interests and temperament.

Fantastic post, Dox47.

Define 'greatness' please.

Often the guy here who says "I'm a great guy if people would just get to know me" is actually not great in anything, or maybe he's just great in his own narrow perspective , maybe he thinks that being unemployed but being ethically good tis "great" or probably worshiping a girl day and night makes him 'great' which is not true, there are also thousands of "great" guys with jobs , might be better looking and living on their own , so what add-value he can provide?


Yea, i know he said there are unemployed losers who got gfs , bla bla ..but that just talk , their relationships won't last for months if they stay like this.
Usually most girls seek those 3 things in guys (besides many others): entertainment value , physical attraction and social status.

Probably those guys do have some high entertainment value but aspies' interests are usually boring and have very low entertainment value , so what the OP has to compensate this? Nothing from what I've seen.


Your marketing method can only works for a guy who already worked well on himself and achieved many things in his life (not only financially but also personal success, entertainment value , peace of mind, full independence, maturity, socially ..etc) , The OP obviously didn't achieve any of those yet.

Self-confidence would come later only after achieving those, unlike what most people , self-confidence is a consequence not a decision or action , when you're in good in something you're automatically self-confident but when you suck in something you automatically poorly confident under that circumstance.


Your method is totally focused on how to get a date by masking his core problem instead of suggesting solutions to solve his core problem. With your method he will get a date, but she will be very disappointed and so he will.

Ah ha! The fine line between love and stalking!

You're still missing my point, I didn't write a post entitled "how to improve yourself so that you're more attractive to the opposite sex", I wrote some advice on how to better use the website craigslist to get a date, you're critiquing me for not fulfilling claims that I never made. There are plenty of threads dealing with self improvement on this site, but not much actual advice on Aspie specific ways to get a date, so I'm trying to help fill that void. In other words, I'm trying to help fellow Aspies get their proverbial foot in the door, but how they do past that is on them, though I'll be trying to add some advice on that part too shortly. I will however state that non voluntary male virginity itself can become a handicap after a while, making it harder to relax and potentially creating an off-putting vibe of desperation and anxiety, and that simply getting past that can often help dramatically with relating to the opposite sex.

In short, if you're going to criticize, please stick to what's relevant to what I posted, if you think that there's a better way get a date on craigslist I'd love to hear it, but harping on things beyond the scope of my post is just wasting time and pixels.

anyone who's ever dated me... and I'm it!

I don't think this is true at all, self confidence can come from a conscious decision. Might not be as good as confidence from knowing you're good at something but how do you know you're good at something until you've tried it? Should an aspie sresign himself to virginhood for life just because he doesn't have the experience of getting laid?

Perhaps using this or similar methods to get the initial experience can help give aspies some real confidence so they can go out and get the job be entertaining and maybe improve their looks etc that will make them more able to get into a meaningful relationship.

Being realistic Dox's list isn't about improving anything other than your chances that a girl will reply to yor add. If you would prefer to see a list of how to improve yourself as an aspie on this board then perhaps you should write it, I for one would be interested.

Sorry Dox47 I know you can fight your own corner but I really can't understand the animosity your recieving just for trying to help, the title of the initial post (another notch) might be a little crass for some but Christ this the 21st century, get over it.

as early as possible...you should tell if u really want them to like you the way you are

You're assuming that all what the OP wants is casual sex , he could get that from escorts with no headache. well it's not obvious what the OP wants though but I am assuming that he wants a gf, which is something different than just a 'date' or casual sex , something that you are failing to grasp.


My advice to the OP:

1- Instead of saying "I am unemployed" , say "I am actively searching for a job" but don't say it unless if you are REALLY searching for a job, so go move your lazy butt from the couch and search for a job, any job.

2- Get a car, if you don't drive then go start learn how to drive first, I don't think AS is a handicap that prevents driving. It's not because a car makes you look 'cooler' , but simply because you would need a car in order to meet people.

3- Now about living with your parents, I am not sure about this because it's purely cultural , in my culture there's nothing wrong in adults living with parents (cultural and economical reasons) but even here girl prefer guys who are self-independent in almost everything (even if they are living with parents, like them). But since your culture praises full independence (ie. living alone) that much then living with parents might be a major turn off especially if most of your fellow young adults are fully independent , so go seek some apartment after getting a job.

4- Try to not rely only on dating sites, check the girls of your surrounding first .

I would agree with you, but online dating allows for a degree of finickiness that will often cause a potential date to flee from any perceived "dealbreakers", and AS simply is not well understood enough by the general public to count on most people from seeing it as anything but a reason to pass you over without any further thought or consideration. If you honestly describe your "symptoms" but don't identify them as such or refer to your AS, the same people who would flee from a "syndrome" are more than happy to give a chance to someone who is "shy", "quiet", "a bit of a nerd", etc. They can like you just the way you are without knowing that your "quirks" are due to a neurological disorder until a few dates down the road when they know you well enough not to freak out over the terminology.

I'd also like to expand a little on my earlier "tips" post, because I didn't really go much beyond how to set up an email address for dating and how to write a CL ad that won't embarrass you too much. So without further ado;

More Tips for Aspies Using Craigslist to Find Dates:

Read other people's ads that are posting in the same section as you; so if you're a guy looking for a girl, read the ads in the M4W section, 75% of them will appear to have been written by groups of chimps banging on typewriters. Dyslexic chimps... Think about what kind of person you'd like to meet, and what kind of person they'd probably be looking for. Find any other ads that sound like they'd appeal to your ideal person, and ruthlessly copy every good point about them, I'm not saying plagiarize here, just use them as inspiration to write a superior ad. I suppose a really ruthless person might flag any potentially competing ads, but that would be just wrong and really bad dating karma besides.

Be patient, the #1 cause of craigslist frustration is not being patient, don't expect to post an add in the morning and meet someone that night, it almost never works out that way, and I've gotten viable responses a week or more after posting. Same thing goes for replying if you do get a promising response, don't come off as rushed or start pushing to meet immediately, this is a red flag for women that you're desperate or a "game player", let her set the pace and concentrate on good grammar and vocabulary, they won't expect that from a CL ad and it will help your case. Don't get antsy if you respond and don't immediately get an answer, and along the same lines it might behoove you to wait a little bit before sending your own replies, it's the same principal, the less impatient you seem the more mature you come off as and your stock will go up. It's a really fine balance between eager and desperate, all the further I'll say is that with a bit of practice you'll get a feel for it.

Some more advice for handling a response; always write back a little bit more than she wrote to you, like with the ad itself you don't want to gush out your life story, nor do you want to be as stingy as a Scotsman writing a telegraph. Answer any questions she asks, always working in a similar question of your own, and ending with a less related question that you think would be relevant to her based on the information you know at the time. People like to feel that others are interested in them, so don't interrogate your potential romantic interest OR hold forth about yourself without asking anything about them, either one can kill off any potential interest. At this point you may be asked what it is that you're looking for by posting, here are some good example responses for various contingencies:

You're looking to get laid with a minimum of fuss = "I'm not looking for a soul mate, just another person with needs that aren't being met" or "I'm just looking for a good time and someone to have it with, I'm not in the right place for a serious relationship just yet".

You're looking for a "friend with benefits/ F*** buddy" "I'm just looking for new friends that are also attractive to me romantically, and if things happen they happen" or "I'm looking for someone to go to shows/movies/clubs with, and maybe have a good time afterward without things getting weird between us".

You're looking for a serious relationship = "I'm looking for the right person for me, someone who won't try to make me into something I'm not but will take me as I am" or similar, just don't try to get too serious too fast and you really can't go wrong here. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO USE A LINE FROM A MOVIE IN THIS SITUATION!! !

Here is the minimum information that you should have on a potential date before you meet them in person; an email address, a cellphone number, a real name, what they are looking for in a relationship, and enough knowledge of their interests to break the ice. Meet for the first time in public around other people, a bar or coffee shop is ideal, they don't have to be busy or noisy, movie theaters, casual restaurants or malls are also perfectly acceptable. I like bars myself, and I like to order a tall gin and tonic, this helps take the nervous edge off, won't get me drunk, and comes off as more sophisticated than ordering a beer or (god help you...) a shooter, order any tall highball if you're comfortable with alcohol, just don't drink to excess.. The usual etiquette (assuming you are male) is to describe what you're wearing and arrive first so that the girl has the opportunity to inspect you from a distance and decide if you look threatening before approaching you, so try not to dress like a thug or a bum. Carry a minimum of cash, a debit card should be your primary source of funds for the evening. If it makes you feel better, clip a little pepper spray aerosol to your key chain, it's discrete and won't alarm your date, and can be used offensively or defensively in a crisis. Spray it over your shoulder as you run from harm, it will hang in the air and anyone chasing you is sure to get a lungful and find their lung capacity suddenly reduced to zero.

Again, all this stuff comes from my own hard earned personal experience, hopefully it will help soften the learning curve for online dating for those who are interested, but I make no guarantees. More to come, including tips for sites beyond craigslist.

Ok, that makes sense now.

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 12 Jul 2009, 4:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with that, being labeled as 'shy' , 'weirdo' or 'quirky' is far better that being labeled with something so alien like ASPERGER's SYNDROME , damn even I get scared each time when I read this word (joking!). There's no need to mention this weird condition to people around.

Check this out! It's GoatOnFire's post I'm referring to, in case it isn't obvious.