Any ladies interested in long distance

Post Reply New Topic

That is more than just a lifestyle. Consider the following that you have written yourself:



Now, is it just a "lifestyle" thing if "there is something inherently wrong with you"? No of course not! That is precisely why I am so obsessed over this. If someone doesn't like my lifestyle, who cares, lifestyle is changeable. But if someone tells me there is something inherently wrong with me, what am I supposed to do? They can walk away from me, I can't walk away from myself, so I am stuck with something being "inherently wront".

By the way, that is exactly why I was so desperate to find a girl in the past. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and my sex drive now at late 20-s is much lower than it used to be when I was a teen, and back in the good old teen days I didn't care about girls and was all over physics. Why did I become obsessed with girls all of a sudden? Because I learned that the reason I can't have a girl is that THERE IS SOMETHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH ME. So OF COURSE I am desperate to change it. If that notion didn't exist, may be I won't be so desperate to get a girl any more than I am desperate to eat an ice cream.




First of all, I didn't attack her; rather I wrote TO her how I am upset with others.

Secondly, what I noticed about HER in particular is this. On the poll "why nice guys are not nice" she DEFENDED desperate guys. But somehow her defense of desperate guys doesn't apply to me. In fact, when I sent her a PM about that she basically told me to live life and stop asking so many quewtions about myself. So how come whenever someone talks about "tolerant" rule I am always an exception to that rule?

That is not just with her. That is with everyone. When I was on a dating site, I kept complaining to girls about my Asperger. Well the few girls that talked to me kept telling me that my Asperger doesn't bother them and they like me for the person I am. Then at some point (sometimes that was first date and other times it was before we even got a chance to meet) they don't like me any more. Why is that? Because when they first told me that they like me for who I am, they didn't know *me* yet; rather what they said was their belief about general aspie. Then once they got to know *me* they realized I have to be a big exception to their rule of sympathy towards aspies, hence they lost interest. So how come I am such a huge exception? Am I worse than other aspies? Back when I was 17 (back in 1997) my mom took me to Brina Siegel to be evaluated and from what my mom told me Brina thinks I am one of the mildest 0.5% of aspies. I think that my mom probably lied to me because I seem worse off than most aspies.

they become violent, frightening stalkers.

Or make gross assumptions about other people... *shakes head*


M.

It's an an extreme assumption, yeah. But desperation makes it's object uncomfortable and it's not a healthy place for a relationship to come from. I think that's probably what was meant.

Reasoned out, and doesn't attempt to include everyone under the umbrella - this, I can concur with.


M.

I completely disagree. I do not think desperate people should be pandered to and have their arses kissed or treated any better than everyone else. I am desperate atm, what you do when you're desperate; you get over it.

People do not find desperation attractive.

to me a desperate "i need you to complete my life" persuer is frightening and threatening - I can't imagine any scenario where a desperate person can be positive. I can't imagine a desperate man who wouldnt become stalkerish and obssesed when a woman makes them feel infatuated. If there is, ive never come across him. And ive seen the desperate stalker many, many times. Romans post was dumb! i did think i had put "they often become.." though.

Why.......do you post in a thread that's almost 2 months old?

/fail

I've never understood relationships where the decision to be a couple is made before the fact. Still I have known some arranged marriages to be successful. Maybe I'm just a romantic but I'm partial to the chemistry between two people that I would think can't come across on line. Have you thought about joining a forum that focuses on your interests and going on from there? Are you against dating women In India?

Yes, that is the exact issue. I want to only date someone of European descent. I don't care if they live in India -- as long as they came from Europe I am fine dating them. The problem is that I am yet to meet anyone who came from Europe, USA or Canada.

Last edited by Roman on 30 Sep 2009, 7:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

But, at the same time, if someone is desperate, won't it mean that if they are told that stalker behavior pushes other ppl off, they will stop that stalker behavior, out of desperation? It won't make sense if they didn't. I mean, how can you say they are desperate if a LUXURY of stalking someone is more important to them than being with that person, which they "desperately need"?

This resonates with something else. Back in 2006 they were going to expell me from school unless I find an advisor by June 1, 2006. Then, whenever I would talk to professors, as soon as I perceived that they are interested in working with me, I would immediately tell them my exact interest in obscure areas of physics that no one works on. So then they would say that their interest doesn't match mine, and refuse working with me. I would then ran after them and tell them that I don't care about a LUXURY of working in my specific field of interest; in fact I will do anything and everything they give me, because I am DESPERATE to stay in school. But they would still ignore me and say that THEY care that I get the LUXURY that I want, even if I don't; so they hope I find a professor who would provide me that luxury; never mind that it puts me into a danger of being expelled!

Now, let me spell out the analogy. I was desperate to stay in school, so I didn't care about LUXURY of working in my specific area of physics. In the same way, someone who is desperate to have a girl would not care about a LUXURY of staking her. However, the professors assumed that I still cared about that luxury, no matter how many times I told them that I didn't. Likewise, girls assume that a guy still cares about a luxury of stalking them, even if that luxury compromises his desperation.

What about my other suggestion of meeting people through a special interest oriented forum? Are you a physicist? My uncle is and he met my aunt when he was tutoring her. She is a master-degreed research librarian. They are both die-hard rock hounds and have had a good marriage at least partly because of their mutual interests. It seems to me, and I know I may be just paraphrasing what others have already said, but desperation aside if you are not specific about what you are looking for the kind of people you may attract are people who want to be in a relationship with anyone for any reason. I think you can do better.

Roman wrote:

people don't make sense especially when it comes to love- reason and logic do not apply




I would be willing to bet that your body language was telling them the exact opposite of what you were saying verbally.

Roman,

I've seen your story about graduate school in another of your threads, so I'm not going to give my input again on your graduate school experience overall. However, since you are trying in this thread to draw an analogy between your trying to find a professor to work with for your dissertation, and trying to find a woman for a relationship, I have to say that it's not surprising that a professor would choose not to work with you if your research interests are not closely in line with the professor's. There are at least three good reasons I can think of right off the bat why the professor would not work with you:

1) The professor wouldn't be able to give you useful detailed technical advice because the professor would not really understand what you are doing. I know that graduate school is supposedly designed to train graduate students into conducting research on their own, but in practice graduate students do not go completely on their own. It's only in postdoc positions and ultimately tenured faculty positions where you reach that level of independence. As a grad student, you were expected to be overseen on a fairly regular basis, and it'd be pointless to be overseen by a professor who didn't understand what you were doing.

2) Many professors say they are interested in the welfare of their students, but they really aren't, and the professor is looking for someone who will be able to add to the professor's CV. A lot of professors are quite selfish and after the self-glory. They want to be famous, or they want tenure for themselves, and they will go through the hoops for students because they have to, not because they want to.

3) The professor will not want to invest a lot of advising time to whom they predict to be a "problem student". Related to #2, plus a lot of research faculty aren't all that interested in teaching, mentoring, or helping to foster junior scientists.

As for desperation in finding a woman: seeing one's desperation makes other people run for the hills, because they think that there is something wrong with the person. There is a fear that the "something wrong" is going to ruin any relationship, so people don't bother starting one with that person. The "something wrong" is likely to be one that will make the person very clingy or otherwise highly dependent on the other person, and that frequently leads to control issues in the relationship.

Online 'relationships' are becoming epidemic....

Take what you want out of this, but I think when someone is so desperate that they'll take anyone, it's kind of a self-esteem killer for the other person in the relationship. It's not that the desperate person is necessarily attracted to his/her personality, eyes, whatever, or even that they particularly like that person; it's that they're part of the gender preferred. They're easily replaceable if the desperate person starts to attract more people. Yeah, they may grow together over time, but when there's no starting basis other than well, I'm lonely and need someone, it's like as not to not work out.

As for not responding... it would be like a lie if the girl (or guy, but we'll just stick with girl right now since that's who this thread was targeting) didn't actually like you. A pity date is just that; pity. In the long run, it probably won't amount to much other than hurting again when it doesn't work out.

A woman I once spoke to said that love has to come up behind you and bash you over the head. Those may not have been her exact words ("sneak up behind you" is how it was really put, but same difference), but it's the general point; actively looking without really knowing what you want (other than a living human) or knowing the person probably won't work. That's not to say it always won't work - you have sites like eHarmony and whatnot for a reason - but letting a friendship grow and become something more might work better.