Long Distance/Online Relationships, all fantasy, or real

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jackdumpster,

Unfortunately as long as she has another guy in her life whom she likes in a romantic way, there isn't much you can do. She claims not to want to hurt you, that's why she's being rather evasive, but I think also that that's just her way of trying to drop the subject entirely without making too much fuss. There's nothing left in this relationship.

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As for the long distance aspect, it can work in the beginning, and for short periods of time here and there, but I'd say that it makes relationships a lot harder to continue if it's on a consistent, prolonged basis, largely for the reason I mentioned above. You (as in the general sense of "you") lose accessibility to the other person when the person is further away. Some people claim that it's merely a matter of "different people have different preferences," but you don't love somebody for staying away from you. You love somebody because he or she provides something to you or is something important to you, that you enjoy when he or she is with you, and you miss when he or she is not with you. Giving you space is a matter of respecting boundaries. It's not something that you love about a person. It's a concession, it's something that has to be negotiated as part of the relationship. What you love about a person cannot be negotiated; it's either there or it isn't.

Well, even if that is the case (and it probably is), he shouldn't let her get away with dishonesty. He has nothing to lose, so why not push her to the wall to see if she will admit that to be a reason. By the way something just occured to me. May be he should avoid mentioning that he suspects she is interested in another guy, and simply focus on things she actually SAYS (such as her worrying he wouldn't be comfortable) and all the contradictions that it implies. I mean, doesn't he want to see whether or not she will admit having other guy herself, and if not, what other excuses will she be comming up with?

Here is a big question: suppose she wants to be evasive and avoid a fuss. Why would giving something completely illogical ever accomplish this? The only reason it would is that most guys fail to make all the obvious rebutals to such arguments. This state of things needs to change. As I said over and over, he has nothing to lose. So why not find out what goes on through HER mind when she assumes that "I want you to be comfy" excuse would work.

I'm trying to get answers out of her.......she's dissapointed because of how jealous I was and all the much suspiscion i have against her friend......the one that always treats me awful....i don't even know the guy. She keeps saying she hurt me, just won't tell me how. Accusing me that I'm like her ex......who told her she wasn't allowed to go with anybody else. That would hurt if I saw that, but what can I do. It's not under my control.

So she said she it in a past tense? If so, just tell her that if she trully hurt you, you would have KNOWN how without her telling you, and since you DON"T know how, tihs proves that she haven't hurt you.

Or, if it is in future tense, tell her that even though you, obviously, don't know whether it would hurt since she doesn't tell you what it is, YOU ARE JUST FINE TAKING THE RISK. Tell her you don't care if you hurt or not. See how would she react, and ask her why does it matter so much to her, if it doesn't even matter to you.

she doesn't want to move to be with me, she wanted to at first, but now she says she's not going to....i asked her what if i did and she said she doesn't know....sigh....not even see me

Walk away.

You're beating yourself up too much over the failure of a relationship. There are always some facts or variables which are unknown (e.g. why couldn't we reconcile, why couldn't we connect, why why why).

As to the original question - can long distance relationships work? In this day and age, yes. Relationships have gone through many iterations through the ages. This include different countries/languages, racial differences, handicaps, and cultures.

If two people have the means and desire to make a long distance relationship work, it'll work. Otherwise it's just a convenient excuse.

It isn't up to us as individuals in relationships to 'police' the lives of others, to not 'let them get away' with things. Express your feelings on the matter, but it is our responsibility to take charge of our own lives, not that of another person. Just my thoughts on the matter.


M.

That is a misconception 99% of ppl have and thats wrong. Policing others is getting into relationships that don't involve you. I am not talking about that; I am talking about the relationships that very much do involve you. In this case it is not policing others; it is defending yourself.

But there comes a time when defending yourself is futile. You need to walk away and not let the other person take your self respect. Moving on isn't always easy but it's necessary and the sooner you (the collective you, not you specifically, Roman) figure that out, the better off you are. Like I've said in other threads, every challenge provides us with a learning experience and in the end, we're usually better off because of it. Sometimes we can't rely on others for closure and we have to give it to ourselves.

No, that is opinion, Roman. One cannot force others to learn what they do not wish to, or what they are not willing to accept. To force such things is almost always an exercise in futility, in my experience. The best route I have found is to express one's feelings, and let it be - nothing is gained from forcing the issue, other than more frustration and deception. That "the state of things needs to change" is a personal directive, not something that can be implemented on others. If you feel this way, I suggest one pursue change in themselves instead of foisting it upon others.


M.

Yeah, I take forever to respond, sorry.

My relationship with my mother is very different from my relationship with someone I care for very deeply and who lives very far away. However, unless and until I get permission to talk about that, even in generals, I won't; I respect privacy. That being said, I will say that my parents lived a couple of states apart for a bit over a year early on while they were married; they're now on their 23rd or 24th (not sure which) year of marriage, and neither of them cheated. This was before the internet was popular too, and honestly, my mother still can't use it anyway, so they survived purely on phone calls and letters.

For the ones I love, I'm probably more accessible from a distance than from up close, but that's going to depend on person to person. I mean, it obviously took me quite a while to respond to this (even though I saw it on the day it was posted and pretty much had my response outlined by that night), but my response to someone I love would have been within half an hour at absolute most. Outside, I'll spend hours locked in by myself (sometimes the dog's there too, I guess) and ignoring most phone calls because I'm just not that interested in communicating with others and it has to be on my terms for the most part. Actually, there are only two numbers I'll respond to every time, and neither works anyway (because one belongs to a dead person and the other to someone who couldn't my cell phone anyway because of the setup), so I screen most calls. I nearly shoved my mother out last night, because she'd been down the past few days. Bye! Please don't visit for another couple of months. It appears you're a fairly touchy person, which is absolutely fine, but I'm most definitely not.

I'm not sure to what depth you mean by needing face to face interaction (if it's just seeing the person, or if it's touching them, or if it's a sex thing), but I believe that the person should be able to control themselves. I look at it this way: I don't love the person I love because he's beautiful (he is, but that's not why I love him). I love him because he's a good person and we connect well; there's more to it, but that's a pretty good overview. So if I get lonely, I sit back and think it through, not just randomly go out and act on it. If someone's not capable of handling it, they shouldn't be in a long distance relationship to begin with. If they didn't realize it at the beginning, that's understandable, but they should talk about it maturely with their partner and decide on a course of action, not go out and cheat.

And I'm sorry, but I hold true to my belief that if someone cheats on you at a distance, there's a good chance they'll do it when there is no distance. If they thought so little of you to begin with, being close won't make much of a difference. What happens if you get sick or have to start working overtime? What happens if they get bored? If they weren't able to talk it out with you the first time, then they probably won't the second time either.

I'm not going to say that all long distance relationships will work, because obviously they won't. And I think that there are just people who can't handle them. But there is a section of long distance relationships that will work and people who can handle them. They might be in the minority - I'm sure it probably is - but there are some.

When I came back, she decided to be with me because she would feel guilty? if she wasn't. She says there's more guilt then love. Says I make her depressed.

I don't know why she says these things.

Do you really think that's a healthy relationship to be in?

i guess not..

FIrst of all, congratulations for getting her back. I know you feel like a loser that you are with someone who admitted not to love you. Well, go back to one of my previous replies where I outlined 57-th day program, and 57 days from now you would feel great -- GUARANTEED.

Now, going back to today, you still have things to argue with her about. Let me point some out:

Ask her how come she doesn't love you any more. In particular, ask her THIS QUESTION: she told you she was leaving you because she didn't want to hurt you. Yes? Now she says she doesn't love you. So if you take the two things togehter, is she saying she stopped loving you in order not to hurt you? How is that possible? Why would it hurt you if she continued to love you?

Now, also question her A LOT on this quote:


The word "paranoid" means she was not hurting you; it was all YOU who imagined that she hurt you. And, AT THE SAME TIME she keeps telling you that SHE doesn't want to hurt you, even when YOU are perfectly fine with it. So which way is it? Are you paranoid (i.e. over-sensitive) or are you not seeing something she sees (i.e. under-sensitive)? She can't have it both ways!

I am about 95% sure she started this whole shenanigan because of one of her "close friends", (the one that doesn't like me) was really dissapointed because I was with her. She told me this a while ago out of nowhere. "you know, my friend is really dissapointed because we're together. He's dissapointed because you beat him to me." I didn't really think nothing of it. After a while though it really started to show that something must have been going on. I checked her email one night and it was as I suspected that she was telling this guy all I've been thinking. "You bring something he cannot (me), you know what trust, loyalty and honor is". "I guess i'd feel really guilty, he wants to be with me so bad". (me) "Don't tell me i'm with sean, truthfully i don't know why I am even with sean (me)." Yeah I spy on her email account alot. She doesn't know I have her password.

And now, I see her chatting with him in the chat room we all used to go to, although they are playing it off like it's a different person. Once in a while she drops a hint cause she knows i'm in there watching.

I'm about 90% sure it's her. I know, crazy isn't it?I'm watching them talk right now. I'm wasting my time aren't I? I don't know what to think. Just wish she would be honest with me after all this time we've known each other. Tonight I told her if there's is anything she's hiding, gonna see what she says. Probably deny it, but something tells me I'm right.

Isn't it funny how people lie to you and play with your mind like that.