Relationship with AS Gf

Post Reply New Topic

It's difficult to comment without knowing the girl personally, but I can tell you that I kind of sympathise with her reaction. What follows is what my feelings would be and are, and I don't presume that they are similar to hers - but it might give you some insight into what an Aspie COULD be thinking.

I find it almost impossible to speak about emotional things - even when I get angry, I feel as if my throat closes and I can't force a word out, and the same thing happens when talking about positive emotions. Deep, meaningful conversations about feelings in which the participants are being open with each other ... even the thought just gives me the horrors. And the idea of looking into their eyes while they speak... makes me feel almost sick. It's a difficult thing to describe. In fact, it's much like those dreams where you go to school/work naked - that kind of feeling, of being mortifyingly vulnerable. It isn't that I don't value what the person is saying, I just feel so awkward listening and can't bear to reciprocate.

While I understand that most people like and almost need to be told that they are loved quite frequently, I prefer that people show me by being considerate towards me and trying to anticipate what would make me happy. I would far rather have someone make me my favourite dinner and serve it on my favourite plate whilst giving me the best seat on the couch, than to have someone say, "I love you." It takes so much more time and effort to DO something than to just SAY it, and this is what I appreciate and value.

So, that is what I would feel about the situation. She may (and probably does!) feel differently, but there is one perspective on it. You sound like a very considerate person, and she is lucky that you care so much about her.

Thanks for all your input guys, I really appreciate it.
I guess its helped me a bit in figuring things out.

But its weird, because we haven't talked for 3 days, and I don't know, I sort of resorted to not initiating contact because I always did it.
My friend has AS as well (guy) and I asked him about his best friend, (guy) as well, they were really close, but he told me he eventually got sick of him after a while - but still remain good friends.

I don't know, do you guys happen to know if this is a trait - like some sort of delay in the actions, or events? For example, if I say something drastic or big now, that it would only be brought into mind and topic a few months later? And if, AS people only realize things after a while? like cognitive delay or something?

Many thanks.

I think hold out for as long as it takes for her to wake up and make contact. You've done enough running and initiating things already.

When I went out with my first girlfriend, I didn't make contact much, she started it with me mostly. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I got used to revieving the contact so the thought of initiating it just didn't cross my mind.

I don't know about a cognitive delay but some people on the spectrum are genuinely anxious about initiating contact.

In some ways initiating social contact feels something like the way you did when first learning to drive, every time you drive: All of your movements are concious movements that take energy.With an assault of questions racing through my brain.What if I say something wrong? Am I calling them at a bad time? Does my tone of voice sound interested enough/reflecting that I care and am genuinely interested in you? Does it sound interested to the point of obsession(I've been accused of stalking on numerous occasions because I initiated social contact in a degree and manner considered "creepy" on some mysterious grading rubric)

It maybe she prefers a lesser quantity of face time because it takes so much energy to perform socially in the manner and degree that other people need to feel cared for.And sometimes it also takes longer to process the sensory information that makes up speech and body language--and translate it into action.

For example, I have a horrible time processing verbal instructions. If given more than two steps at a time before completing those steps, they are driven from my mind like a sandcastle demolished by ocean waves. When someone's giving me spoken directions it's alot like they've turned on the fire hose and want me to catch the water into cups without letting a drop fall: If they just want to get me wet, I can do that. I can stand there and get wet--but if I want to use that information and sort it into cups like they're asking me to do,I've got to be strategic about it. I've got to find other ways of giving the people I love what they need from me without draining myself dry to do it.

So in that case, with my aural processing, I have learned to do a few things: To tap into my strong singular focus, I use earplugs and those monster headphones. This blocks out background noises to that yank my attention away from the speaker as if the noise reached out for my chin and yanking towards the distraction.Literally! If the environment gets very noisy, I'll put an earplug in one ear, close my eyes, and turn my ear towards the person speaking.

This blocks the aural input of the left ear,shuts off my visual processing, and concentrates all my energy towards listening. Much like plugging all of the holes in a shower makes the remaining stream more powerful.In my case, aural information gives me trouble. How might she process information? How might be she currently be using working arounds that try to accommodate you?It really is a process to figure out how to drive this body and brain!


My point is:

From what I've seen you're one of the rare individuals who possesses the necessary compassion and patience to reap the rewards of a relationship with a spectrum individual. When last comes to last,there are ways to work around social and processing difficulties,if both people are aware of them and if they're willing to work with them.

oh man, this is SO true... i am a diagnosed aspie and my girlfriend is NT, i definetly feel this way sometimes when she asks me how i feel about certain things, i mean most of the time i can handle it but i can remember one time she asked me how do you know you really love me? it definetly felt like i was being put on the spot and i was at a loss for words, i didnt even know what to say, people with asperger syndrome have trouble answering questions like that, it really rattled my brain when she asked this, it requires a lot of thought and concentration, to this day i still dont know how to answer the question i just know i love her and thats how i feel i cant put it into words.

It is perfectly normal for a ASD student to not make good eye contact while you are talking to her. I think you should keep reminding her to look at you in the eyes when you talk and tell her how you feel towards her. May be that way she can pay attention more and ask her how she may feel. By her making the noises and grabbing your hand and clapping, she seems very happy when you tell her you love her.
I think you could ask her directly how she feels towards you and if she really loves you back. If that doesn't seem to work, ask her to write almost a love letter to you with all her feelings. That might be a way for her to try and open up.
Keep up the great effort and whether you realize it or not, but everyday you are making a difference and impact in her life. Continue to try to get her to communicate with her, I believe the time will then come where she can say anything to you from her heart.
Don't ever give up!

Those were the times that I knew and could really feel her love (when she waved her arms).
Here is the situation now though:

Everything is fine - in the sense that she can make eye contact and she can talk to me about ANYTHING (partly because she has a trouble keeping her mouth shut haha, and party because she trusts me) She is comfortable with me, and can even get angry at me and is not afraid to be herself (demanding at times haha) and, embarrassingly enough, fart.
But otherwise, it feels like things have changed, not with me, but it seems like I have just mysteriously become more of a friend to her and I'm worried this may demote to a friendship.

So the questions I pose for now are:

- Do AS people define love/relationship interest and the bond through friendship before attraction? (because according to her, she doesn't find anyone attractive - well she doesn't say it anymore, not even me lol - well she said 'in a different way')

- In a relationship, when your partner comes to you for help - and sort of, loses attention on the relationship, how do you know if they still love you considering that we have been talking less, kissing less, seeing less and she hasn't said "i love you" in about 1 month (and yes I have brought it up in discussion but it didn't really lead anywhere)

- Is there something I can do to revamp her into my life again. Because it seems like she is living her own life (she has started school again) and I am living my own, and we only come to talk when either have a problem. And when we are together, it seems like she cannot be affectionate as much anymore and that she is OPEN with her heart, yet CLOSED with her body (not that I want sexual things, but metaphorically)

- Would there be any reason as to why she is losing interest in me i.e too much sexual stuff, too much on her mind for her life, cognitive delay maybe? (hypothetically) Should I continue to be more of a friend to her?

- And final question - How would I get her to realize the little things I adjusted for and patience I have given her, because I must say, dating an AS person, theres a lot of things different. Should I temporarily break up with her? Or encourage her to make friends with other guys? Suggestions?

Many thanks,
Jim

Hello Orange, My name is Adam and my girlfriend is also Aspergers so i can relate to you, and in some respects your remind me of myself i so many different ways. How ever try to remember everybody is individual to another, if you're AS or NT.

Perhapes you can relate to us, Myself and Ashley are 20 and 23, we have been together for 8 months, we're very affectionate towards eachother, very much in love and we share our feels to eachother if we're happy or sad so we can always make eachother better.

Ashley has low self-esteem and i read her like a book when she is going to have a panic attack so gently we avoid what ever task we might be trying to do, for example stepping over a small gap while walking over some rocks on the beach and we talk about how we're going to aproach the task again, and this time i will hold hands and i will step over the gap and hold her fermly as she steps over the gap safely and calmly to the otherside. Every day Ashley grows as a person and she tells me everyday since the day she met me her life has changed and she is doing things she'd never of done before on her own.

Ashley and i very intimate together, we hug kiss make out even experimented a few times, we're in no rush to have sex because we feel there is no need to ruin what we fermily beileve are the foundations of a perfect relation-ship so immaturely, After all Ashley has a condition i take very seriously and i feel it is nessessary to slowly introduce 'making love' (after all making love isnt just about having sex)


I sence that you have rushed into your relation-ship, and maybe feel in love for all the right wrong reasons and in the long turm you're beating yourself up inside and your emotions being ripped apart as if she does not even care, i can also relate back to that feeling....... it is my love for Ashley that keeps me strong and i know everytime we kiss and wrap our arms around eachother she has one thousend voices singing to me how much she loves me and how much she really cares. That my friend is a feeling that lasts inside forever and forever isnt long enough when you're in love.