am I that big of a loser?

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I've read quite a few threads on this forum, and it appears that all such threads boil down to trivial thing: the root of all our problems is that we aspies don't know what other people think. We can't actually get in other person's head, we don't know what goes on there, and it's most probable that it is something completely different from what we have in our own heads, up to the point of unintelligibility. That's why it is always that much of a problem getting dates, not to mention more or less long-term relationship - if normals get rejected, they can at least figure out why. We can't. That's why aspies stay alone for such long times. Especially male aspies - well, all that relationship stuff is always much easier for females, most of the time it requires no effort from them at all.

I was thinking the same when I red that. You beat yourself up because of that, come on you need to think of he feelings as well. I've had a NT girlfriend and I didn't like it. You need to find the one right for you and no moping over stuff like that, it will just happen. My ex gf found me I didn't find her. i wasn't even looking.

I think it's wrong to spread this passive sentiment. Nothing ever happens all by itself. Some guys get lucky, but most of us can spend the rest of our lives waiting for "special somebody" and die alone.

What I believe that everyone means with that is that when the time comes, this other part won't just acknowledge you sweep you of your feet and nurse you. When the time comes you need to work for it as well, and put a little effort into it.
So if someone some day shows interest then you must counter that and also show interest, make a verbal effort and so on.
Give and take give and take.

That's a good analogy. And what we have here ios a fledgling monk complaining, "I meditated for 100 hours. Why am I not enlightened yet? It's not fair! That other guy got enlightened and he hardly meditated at all. That's not fair!". And of course anyone who thinks that enlightenment- or love- is something you are granted after putting in the requisite number of hours doing X activity is not any closer to either.

Eek, that's a hard question to answer. I guess I have to ask why guys feel like that IS a point to a relationship that's not going to last anyway. Just for sex? That makes the girl end up feeling used. If you already know that you're not going to stay with somebody, the longer you stay with them, the more it hurts when it finally ends. I guess it's a stability thing.
Actually.. it's a lot like autistic routines. You want to know what's going to happen, want to be able to plan, take comfort in things being as you expect them to be. Getting into a relationship that isn't going to last would be like developing a routine that you knew you couldn't keep. Routines help you feel like you can deal with life, because you can plan and predict. If you already knew you couldn't keep the routine, it wouldn't mean anything, because you'd already know how upset you were going to be when something happened to interrupt it, you'd already have that uneasy feeling of knowing you were going to have to improvise things even if you always screw up when you try to improvise. (I hope that made sense..)

Goren, your conclusion that NTs can figure out why they get rejected is not true. NTs get rejected all the time, and a lot of the time there's no rhyme or reason for the rejection. You also think that NTs somehow know what's going on in someone else's head. That is so not true.

I think the best thing anyone can do, NT or Aspie, is to focus on the other person's behavior - not on trying to figure out intent or motivation. When you focus on someone else's motivation, it becomes far too easy to internalize rejection, e.g., she didn't want to date me because: I said something stupid; I don't get her jokes; there's something wrong with me. And when you do that, you're giving someone else the power to validate you - not just as a partner, but as a person. Trust me - you never want to give someone else that much of your own personal power.

The big difference between people who find a mate and people who don't is persistence. Dude, you may get rejected by a lot of girls - right up until you meet the one who doesn't reject you. You may end up having several relationships - right up until you find the one that works. NTs don't have the ability to read other people's minds - they just keep trying until they meet the right person. You just have to keep trying.

Why do you need a relationship this badly? What will it give you that you NEED (not just want) that you can't do by yourself?

You don't need "love" to be happy, I would know that, having decided to never be in a relationship. Make yourself happy before you make any big choices.

Maybe.

It's not time. A man is not born enlightened and in the years of his childhood, his youth and his young adulthood, he will not become enlightened.

It's not focus. A man entirely focused on any one aspiration such as digging a ditch, building homes or reading poetry does not become enlightened.

Enlightenment is a path. It may fall upon you like thunder one day in the midst of kata, meditation or prayer. None of these are THE path to enlightenment, for each person becomes enlightened in their own fashion and time. Realize there are many paths, and embark.

There is no ONE right way to getting a girlfriend. There are many. But you will never find a worthwhile mate without seeking and instead only passively watching.

because, one more time, we have settled for less of what we are worthy.

It's very simple. Women are capable of becoming extremely attached to a person--EVEN WITH a previous agreed-upon understanding that 'this isn't going anywhere'. If that other person cannot reciprocate enough for such a relationship to last, it stands a really good chance of turning perfectly nice women into "crazy b*tches". And by crazy, I mean obsessed.

Show me such a woman. All the women I've ever met were rather passive and apathetic when it came to relationships.

A few of my friends are like that, and I get the feeling I'd be like that. Hell, I'm still 'attached' to a cartoon character I've had a crush on since 1984.

That's the funny thing. It is awkward.
I just remember really needing these things. And then she was there. And it meant a lot. And that's what I went off of when I posted.

Maybe it's too awkward. I don't know yet. She's so damned important to me, and yet my associated emotions may be too much to deal with.

I'm sorry, this started as a responce, but I'm getting way too personal.

Well, but that's exactly another way of phrasing the issue, in other words, why do (some) girls feel used in this situation? Though it seems the girls who feel this way can't explain why, and those who don't couldn't understand the ones who do even if their lives depended on it.



But that to me is much of the point of allowing a relationship to be casual and/or short-term. In the most casual of sexual relationships, both partners can basically keep their single-person routines while still being able to experiment with sex and with being together when they both feel like it.

In slightly more serious relationships, you might disrupt your routine when you first get together, but you know that if it gets too much you can still distance yourself from it, or even leave it if necessary. Since you expect it may be temporary, it may even make it easier to go all out in the beginning, because it's like an emotional vacation from solitude. You know you will only have to make the changes permanent if you grow to REALLY like each other.

If you force a huge judgment about whether something will work out in the long term, before getting at all intimate, that just seems backwards--and a recipe for a real roller coaster of emotions, because you go into it with such huge expectations. Especially for someone like myself who really doesn't know what kind of person I will feel comfortable with in the long term, or if I'll even be ready for a long-term relationship anytime soon, having a "trial period" is vital.

I need to meet those...