Dating someone with panic attacks

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Thanks Orbyss.

I did not add the last part as I only got advice on that after starting the blog. I will be sure to mention that part if and when he decides to communicate with me.

It sounds like he is trying to distance himself from you because he is afraid of hurting you if you get too close.

Afraid of hurting me how?

Sorry if my questions sound 'silly.' I only started researching this disorder today and so starting to grasp what I may be up against.

Well I don't suffer from a specific panic disorder, but as an Aspie I know a thing or two about inadvertently hurting those you love. Emotions are a powerful force, none more so than in aspies, and if left unchecked these emotions can be more destructive than any weapon or bomb. That's why I think most Aspies tend to heavily rein in their emotions (even if only subconsciously)... I, for one, went through a very emotional childhood, becoming violent with little provocation, highly defensive all the time, and pretty much ostracized as a result of that...

Been that as it is, do you think I should abide by his wishes and walk away? I mean, he knows or at least I am assuming that after living with this disorder for years, he knows what is best for him. If he claims that I need someone strong to be with me and he is not strong and has too many problems, which may be his way of distancing himself as as to not hurt me, should I heed his statements and walk away before I get too close, or he gets to close to me?

I know some individuals mentioned maybe we should be friends and then assess the situation from such a level. But how do you go from seeing someone as a partner and working towards a partnership back to a friendship. Maybe my mom was right in saying that a relationship should be build on a friendship first.

Been that as it is, do you think I should abide by his wishes and walk away? I mean, he knows or at least I am assuming that after living with this disorder for years, he knows what is best for him. If he claims that I need someone strong to be with me and he is not strong and has too many problems, which may be his way of distancing himself as as to not hurt me, should I heed his statements and walk away before I get too close, or he gets to close to me?

I know some individuals mentioned maybe we should be friends and then assess the situation from such a level. But how do you go from seeing someone as a partner and working towards a partnership back to a friendship. Maybe my mom was right in saying that a relationship should be build on a friendship first.

To be honest, I think you should continue. The fact that he's worried about hurting you tells me that he loves you. For a man who may have certain issues, having a gf that has seen him at his worst and still loving him regardless would greatly boost his confidence. It shows him that despite anything that he may be dealing with, there's someone that's there for him.

This is all assuming he's an aspie (which I'm guessing giving that you're posting on an aspie forum)... an NT man may act differently...


Well, ideally, you should have been friends first. But now that you're in it, you're right in that it would be difficult to go back to friendship. But you can salvage this by developing the friendship concurrent to the relationship. Go do things that friends might do together. If he has any groups of friends of his own, go with him sometime when he meets them. Just try to get to know him...

Wonderful advice.

I will see how things pan out this week. After all he dumped me via an email this afternoon but claims that he will call me in the next day after we had a long talk on the phone.

I really want to get to know him more, but it is sort of tricky when I live in London and he lives in Norway. It is getting colder and darker in Norway so I guess it would be better for him to come to London where we can possibly undertake more outdoor activities together.

Do you really think that me sticking around would really be of any significance to him? I mean he has his family who as far as I can see are really supportive. Granted that he hardly joins in a lot of the family activities as all of his sisters are married and have their own family and he claims he feels like he is intruding when he joins them. Yet they are there for him and I am sure that their presence and support means more to him than mine.

I think there is a general assumption that people have go things all figured out, and you can just ask them and they will be able to answer honestly. It took me years to figure things out about myself.

I'm on the fence as to whether you should stick around. Certainly I wouldn't behave as if nothing has happened. I don't think that asking lots of question is going to help. I think you can ask few questions that point you in the right ballpark, but without prompting a discussion on it. You can't change him, but you can reassure him that anxiety disorders influence the way people think, and things might be as bad as he thinks. I reiterate CBT, but it is worth shopping around for the right program or book.

One thing that hasn't come up is that depression and anxiety can come together (although not the case with me), and depressive cycle can influence

As for the cat, it might be easier expressing affection for a cat. Cats just heed a good home, food, affection. Human relationships are more complicated.

Well so much for trying to work through things with him. He did not call as he promised and based on the advice I have gotten from posts on this site, I will not pursue him. If he wants to speak to me he will do it on his terms. In the meantime I will try as much as possible to get on with my life.